Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I enjoy my tiny fuzzy baby girl cat sleeping on my bed twitching her little ears in sleep.
Perfection she is.

Birthday List?
For my Birthday, instead of a party or fancy restaurant or something I think I've decided on seeing as many movies as possible with my mom in theatre because it's killing me to not have seen almost any of the ones generating Oscar buzz, gah I get too excited over movies. Good ones. If only I could see "Wendy and Lucy" if only.


1) f21 boots i'm settled on black...but grey looks cool too...

2) dresses, my birkenstocks and would be boots look better with dresses, shorts, skirts etc and if I get lots of socks and tights and leggings I won't even have to shave my legs every gosh darn day

3) just clothes, basic pieces in the form of light dresses that I can layer with tights or knee/thigh high socks, boots, commit the worst fashion rule and continue wearing socks with my Birkenstock sandals. Etc, etc. Hard to explain I'll know the pieces when I see them. Layers layers layers.

4) "Felictity" season 4. then my collection will be complete, Borders used to have one copy of each season so every time I went there I would buy the only remaining copy but now they don't even have season 4 so that means that someone besides myself not only knows what "Felicity" is but enjoys it enough to spend $60 on it.

This is taking too long I already have a paper list I don't know why I decided to try and type it out too.
We're playing games tonight, I bought Apples to Apples last night and today mom and I got Trivial Pursuit. It's kind of our traditon I suppose, we play board games on New Year's Eve most years.
How special.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I stopped wearing makeup the past...months. I thought to put makeup on every day was being high maintenance and just reminded me of those fake girls who plaster their faces with the same thing every day.
Plus I was afraid it would break my skin out.
BUT. I'm going to start wearing it more, and I need to get rid of alot of my makeup, seriously I have makeup that is years old. I never follow expirations.
It's bad...but this gives me an excuse to buy new makeup in the voice of preventing infection and breakouts.
I also realized I need clothes, not need need but need want. As in I try to create outfits but realize I can't create the looks I want with what I have.
SO since my birthday is on Sunday I will put forth effort into acquiring those things. Basic clothing pieces, and maybe a new mac powder thing becuase mine is old...but I did wipe it a bunch trying to get the top layer off when I started using it again.
Blargh. I usually try to focus on my eyebrows but my hair is more red now and I don't know if making them the same dark willl equal tacky tacky or edie sedgwick.

My moods are so up and down. last night I wrote that happy blog and then less than 15 minutes later i was really depressed about turning 19 and not having anything to show for, not doing anything with my life and I always worry I'm going to end up like Jennifer Aniston in "The Good Girl"
I stay still and the same while my years tick tick by until i go through menopause and I can't even have babies anymore and I'm all like DANGIT why did I forget to have babies.
That was a lie.

As always, I need ot work on my art. I'm still sick. And I've been writing in my journal everyday, I made a commitment to do that, even if I only write a sentence a day, I want to write in it every single day to counteract this thing I have with writin gon the internets.
Oh and that picture is from a few days ago, when I wore makeup (inorite!?). no way right now with my cracked lips from having my mouth hang open for days because my nose is proving to be incabable of helping me with this whole needing to breathe thing to prevent my body from dying.
It's nice, especially my cough.
My Nyquil makes me foggy, sleepy but I also forget stuff and start sentences and not know what I'm talking about. Benadryl doesn't do that, just makes me sleepy. Nyquil is a new ballgame, it makes me even more awkward and strange.
I'm also really mean when I'm sick, tummy sick I'm nice I think...I remember Bekah saying how she likes it when I'm sick because I'm so nice but I have no been so nice, I've been whiny and clingy and acting like a 3 year old, it's weird, i have this tendency to want my way or to get bekah out of my space bubble and when it doens't happen i start...whining/shrieking?
So word to the wise: 
tummy sick- nice chelsea
cold sick- 3 year old tantrum chelsea. her special voice comes into action and lives up to its tone in these times.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm really happy.
I'm happy with what's going on in my life, isn't that strange?

Maybe I'm one of those people who likes drama. I can't explain it any other way really.
All the secret plans, the late night talking with my mom, what we need to do, act, wait, when, how.
Maybe I'm just excited for change.
And change this will be.
The biggest change of my life so far, well minus the whole thing when I was 8 that started my life of various issues.

Seriously, it's so far fetched I feel like it won't happen, yet it has to because I won't let it not happen.
The only way I won't is if he truly changes, and the chances of that...pretty much non-existent.

So what is it? What is wrong with me? In three months I'll be moving to some state, I don't know which one. We will probably be living in a separate house than my dad...but how does that work out?
Will he pay for us?
We're going to be poor.

It's all just as foreign as can be. I see the story, the life we may have, I've always known about it, seen it in other people or in movies and tv shows, books but I never thought my life would turn into that, I always thought the life I had now would stay basically the same. The same general storyline of our family.

But we're about to be thrust into a life completely unlike this one, and unlike anything we've ever come close to being. Living.

I really need to work on my art. 

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I feel like I lost my dad.
The only time we talk is when I ask him a question and he responds one wordedly.
If I'm not direct he pretends to not hear me.

I know our relationship has never been "close" but we had the superficial stuff.
We knew how to laugh, shared jokes, watched SNL together. Our relationship was based on that and that was fine, we got along.

Now I don't even have that and I worry that this is all a mistake. Even though in my head I know it isn't, in my head I know that he does not care because he never has hinted at it and most likely never will.
My head knows that, my head knows that it probably doesn't even matter to him. All the evidence points to that.
But I'm still sad. I still consider apologizing and making everything better.
But that's exactly what he's planning on because he's done it with my mom time and time again.
He punishes us like this until we as females, we who have feeling hearts are sad for him, because we care.
And then he wins.
He witholds affection, attention. Contact even. To me. Like a sour teenager mad at their parents and thus ignoring them.
That is how my father is to me.
And I have to listen to my head.
And accept that this is who he is, and we don't have a relationship.

And that doesn't matter to him.
And the fact that it doesn't matter hurts even more.
The fact that he intentionally hurts us and plays with our emotions.
I've lost my dad.

I don't want to cry. But seeing it for what it is breaks my heart. Seeing him ignore me, seeing him tell my sister he doesn't have to apologize to me because I'm almost 19 thus I'm an adult.
I want to believe he loves me.

But if he does, it's buried deeper than I'll ever know.
My birthday is so freaking soon  but...I don't want it to be. I'm really lazy about it and I want to save it for when I'm feeling better and in the party mood.
My family keeps asking what I want to do and I just say nothing.

It's sad.
My mom's applying for jobs, she wants to work full time and then instead of me getting a job before we leave I'll stay home with the babies, only the youngest of them is 12 but they're still the babies.
It would be, or is going to be so weird my mom having a job, a full time job. She has never had a job in all my years of living, except a brief one at the school I went to for a little while.

Everything is strange. Just everything.
I need to go put a shirt on...and pants. And leave my room.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm so horribly socially awkward. It's gotten worse as I've spent more and more time at home and away from other people.
I get so anxious when there are people I don't know around, I stutter and say things that don't make sense or I just stand there awkwardly.
I hate silence becuase I feel like that means I'm boring but I don't always have something to say.
I overanalyze situations and that makes it harder.
I wish I could be as natural around other people as I am at home.
Maybe that's extreme self confidence. I have self confidence, I just have a problem interacting with people.
I interact with my cats just fine though.

ps. thank you for all the kind words. 
I was able to tell my dad things I haven't before last night.
The power was out so I couldn't see his face clearly and he couldn't see me cry.
I yelled, I handled it wrong at times. I called him an asshole.
But all in all I stood up.
I told him I didn't really respect him.
He said why not, he puts a roof over my head and feeds me, is that not respectable?
I said those were things not his character. There is a difference.
I told him he hasn't been a good father my entire life.
He told me to tell him when, exactly when. He scoffed He laughed.
He said "well then I guess I'll be paying for your counselig for the rest of your life"
My entire life. 
As far back as I can remember he has been this way.
Sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again.
The worst part is that he refuses to admit it. Ever.
When he twists our words, when he punishes us in subtle ways.
He refuses to see any of it.
To not care if he's belittling me. My mom.
He latches on to my youngest sister because he can cotrol her.
He wants to drink, he thinks becuase my mom doesn't like him drinking in front of us that she's not normal.
But my sisters and I, all of us hate it.
Because we've seen him get drunk.
We've seen him blame it on benadryl.
I told him the first thing I could remember of all of this starting was when I was about 7 or 8
My mom was away
He passed out drunk on the couch and I didn't know what to do
I had three younger sisters
And I didn't know what was wrong
I couldn't do anything
I cried and cried because I was all alone
I couldn't get ahold of my mom
he was was barely awake
I was so incredibly alone
He used to tell my mom she was nothing
That our whole family was better off without her
She was just another mouth to feed
He broke her 
My sisters and I kept her alive
So sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again
And right now it's bad
Worse for me because for the first time
I stood up to him
I told him one of his daughters is grown up enough to see him for who he really is
I can't be controlled anymore, I see him
And I tell him what I think of him
And he laughs
He rolls his eyes
That's my daddy
One by one all of us will grow up
And see him. And he won't be able to control us
To talk bad about my mom when she's not around
To sneak vodka into water bottles when she's not around
We will all stand up
He'll call us crazy, like he does to my mom
He tells her she is mentally crazy
He can call me that all he wants
Becuase in spite of the lack of encouragment from him for most of my life
In spite of the fact that I don't think he really loves me sometimes
In spite of him laughing at my dreams
Of thinking pursuing art will land me on the streets
I am strong
My mom parented for both of them
And she succeeded
I don't think he will ever see
I can pray and pray
We can all pray
But the sad thing is is I don't think that will do anything
I think he is uncapable of feeling
I would rather him be physically abusive
You could see the bruises on our arms
The welts on our faces
But you can't see the damage to our self esteem
Our self worth
You can't take a picture of that to bring to a judge
You can't videotape his twisting our words and manipulating us
until we're broken
and he can then control us
My father is emotionally abusive
He is verbally abusive
No outsider can attune to that
They don't see it
He's good at hiding it from others
Because to them, he is sociable Mike
The guy who bakes cookies and cakes
The guy who leads children's groups at churches
The social butterfly of the family
Behind that is something I don't think he can even see
I don't think he sees how he hurts us
over and over and over
I now know his games like my mom does
I'm not afraid of him
I love him
But I know his character, who he is
Is abusive
Cleverly of course
He makes sure of that
But he is
He fits the profiles
I love my dad
But he doesn't know what love is
Only control

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I don't feel like myself without my hair. 
It's so short.

Christmas is about Jesus. Not me. And it grows ever more scary to think of how next Christmas will be

every day i drift farther and farther away from having any idea whatsoever what will happen and how it will be when my entire life will be changed.


I also got an I <3>
Sometimes when I have no one to talk to sans my mom I just talk here. For lack of friends I spill to thee.
And thou.
my mom is thinking about leaving my dad again.
in the midst of this, in the midst of our plans to move to texas and buy a big house.

this has happened before, for the same reasons. it fell through.
i don't know if it will this time too.
i'm depressed and it's christmas. depressed because it doesn't feel like it and i don't have the effort of desire to make it festive.
my dad has been a scrooge all day, most of it stemming from wanting champagne and not getting his way.
it's big. it's little. i got the thing i wanted most, "Influence" but it has mary kate on the cover not ashley.
i wanted ashley.
my hair is dark red.

this too shall pass. even though my father is an asshole. even if my 3 sisters and mom and i get a small house instead of all living in a big one.
I'm lonely.

Plus I only have one CSI left. My priorities, i haz them.

gg watch "the nativity story" w/ mom now.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Most likely watching Dark Knight tonight.
Frankly I don't want to all that bad, part of me does but part of me doesn't.
For the same reason I didn't see it in theatres.

It all goes back to his death. It was known that he struggled with playing the Joker, had a hard time getting in and out of character. From what I've heard it was a beyond stellar performance. He had to get into the Joker's twisted mind and when he wasn't filming, you can't always just turn that off. If you could, it wouldn't be much of a stretch from you and your character.
But the Joker wasn't any character.
Ultimately because he couldn't sleep, it was well known that he wandered the streets of New York late at night because he couldn't switch it off.
He took sleeping pills.
And one time, I believe he may have took some and forgot and took some more. Different ones
I do not believe he committed suicide. I do not believe he would leave Matilda among other reasons.

I got into an argument this summer at my job when all of this was really big, one of the "bosses" in my office was talking to another one outside my cubicle about how he wasn't going to see The Dark Knight because he doesn't want to support "suicide".
He didn't want to pay money to support an actor that "comitted suicide."
I then stepped out of my place both as the lowest person in the office and also as my usual quiet self and argued him.
Told him the facts I mentioned above. Counteracted his ridiculous ignorant mindset. I think I finally gave up and from that moment on disliked that old man with a gobble the size of his own head even more than previously.

It really ticks me off the ignorance of people.

So yes, that is why I have been hesitant to see it. Because playing that profoundly disturbing character in some way led to his death. I'm not blaming the character, it's's going to be hard seeing how good he did and why he did that good. Because he committed his entire being to that character and that led to his physical destruction.

On the other hand I am so excited to see Wendy and Lucy although I will have a wait a long time i'm sure becuase of course Hawaii does not get those kind of movies here. I can't wait to move.
Oh if we could be near and Independent Movie theatre. Bliss. I love films. So much.

Christmas Season

my sisters have two christmas parties this season.

i however, have had none. instead i have filled that void and all the other voids that i have from my own personal preference with copious amounts of CSI.

The original mind you, the spin offs don't compare.
I so wish I had a gap between my teeth. Jorja Fox is beautiful.

I really love this blog, it is wrapped with warm hugs from me.
I'm going to CSI.

Monday, December 22, 2008

i either consciously or subconsciously or a mixture of them both make boys i don't like, like me. why? for the attention? probably not. it ends up ticking me off when they do start liking me.
and the ones i do like? they date stupid girls. i know they're stupid from a single tiny facebook photo of one making a weird face.
stupid. she looks incredibly average and normal.
she is one of those. you know, everyone besides the we's.

and i just don't understand. of course i'll never make the first move. so i just sit, and watch boys i barely know and who are only mildy aware of my existence date and date.

they don't know what they're missing.
and i will get married to a scruffy MAN and he will say "AHA! at them you wicked losers, you missed out on manic pixie dream girl chelsea.
you guys suck, have nice life with your average girls who experience emtotions on one level always.
have fun with the ones that go to college and get nice jobs and are happy with them and the children they pop out and the default clothing of the decade."

yes. he is quite a man my husband. quite. a. man.

i have to take care of david now and watch csi, david keeps pulling his hair out and has started on his belly. he's so stressed. if it gets worse he may have to join the rest of the 5/6 of our family and go on psychiatric medications.

oh yes. and what i just did was word puke. the thing i did earlier about my dad was not word puke. it's was more...slow, and thought out. maybe like snot. only not gross, sparkly snot.


The song I cannot stop listening to

I wish I could make it so everyone who reads this can download it and listen to it
over and over.
I can't stop. It 's one of those songs, that almost make you want to cry.
It stirs up an emotional mixture of happiness and sadness
and all other things and I feel like I just might cry for lack of anything else to do

I wish I could sing. And make that feeling, and share it.

(sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson "winter song")

a blog a day keeps the blues away

Christmas shopping started and finished sans a tie today. I hate crowds and I hate shopping, this is true.
I took a long time at Borders, go figure. My dad amused himself by squealing to me about the prostitutes he thinks he sees at the in-store Starbucks. He's freaking out and making the lady next to me in the Psychology aisle giggle, yeah it's funny. I tell him to shoosh, well, I actually reach a yelling tone because he just won't stop running back and forth whispering excitedly, he then takes out his phone to take a picture. That's when I reached that yelling tone.
He finally slinks off somewhere but of course when I find him again he's still raving about how they're actually shopping in the store walking around. I told him of course, they are allowed to. I tell him he's acting like some 12 year old boy.
Finally when I'm almost done and have made my way up towards the front of the store, where those bargain paperbacks are? Oh yes. And he starts fuh-reaking out because he sees them in the checkout line and will I look over because he is not joking. I refused. I never looked their way so I have no idea if they were indeed "prostitutes" or just slutty tittas.

It was chilly the other night. 75 degrees with the low of 69. It was so nice. I wore a scarf and then later wrapped it around my head, then I took a snowy picture because I learned how to download more feature for free for photobooth.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

                                      nails that can only be explained by a miracle of sorts.

My hair is shorter. I figured, hey those gnarly blonde streaks that break off and twirl into all directions and lengths they're so dead can just be cut off.
I was hoping for shorter layers equaling big voluminous curls. It's kind of working.
I cry after every hair cut, it's just a part of life.
I'm sure I'll be giddy just as soon as I pair it with makeup.

Keep thinking. Dead hair is gone. This is good. You don't have that gnarly orangey stuff anymore.

I would like to marry a man like Nick Stokes on CSI please. Especially in the episode where he keeps believing that little girl is alive and he saves her out of the swamps with a slit neck.
I have alot of CSI on my dvr that need to be consumed via my eyeballs.

I feel like my worth to my dad is based on what I do. He keeps bringing up jobs, even though I told him over and over that I'm not going to get a job for three months and then move, plus I doubt anyone would want to hire someone like that.
But yet he bring home flyers to work in the framing shop on base, then a few days later meaning today he gives it to me again after I left it in the living room, I said I didn't want to frame things and cut glass, he said it'll teach me skills, like learning something and getting paid.
Then he said, see you'll learn a valuable skill, what skills do you have now.
I let that hang in the air and in the new manner of trying not to let him get to me and not try to uselessly defend myself I walked away and got in the shower.

I've just been depressed today, even without the hair thing. Just very slow, that happens when I'm depressed or whatever I am. I think slowly, I move slowly, I miss entire conversations when keep my head in a book all day and wonder how I could not hear things around me in retrospect.
I'm ok with it. I'm ok with my emotions and in and out sadness and feelings of hopelessness.

I've been made aware of so much these past months, it's strange. I'm aware of the things I do and am able to determine why I do them. I'm aware that I'm blatantly aware of myself and am usually at peace with it.
I finally put two and two together and told my psychiatrist that I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies, I never really wanted to think about the things I do, the tapping my elbows in threes and my feet, one foot down then the other then jump and put them together on the ground. Even when I'm driving I take my feet off the brake pedal. I never wanted to admit it because I despise it when people categorize themselves and make it a verb or way of being. Not an actual disorder.
Oh I like my books in color order because I'm soooo OCD.
Or, I get restless in class because I have ADHD or ADD.
But when I told her about the things I do, amongst other things she said I definitely did have tendencies or something.
I feel like I have to put everything or most everything down here as I think of them or I might forget. I'll write one thought or subject and then think of another and instead of saving it for another day I feel I have to get it down now in case I forget. I want to get it out.
That's why I write so much. I don't want to have this tiny revelation about my personality or views or just general thoughts and opinions and not write them down and then forget about them.
This way I'll have them. I'll be putting myself in definitive type form.
I made it known that I wanted to pursue art instead of going back to traditional college at this time. He didn't understand. I knew he wouldn't. I was still hurt, even though I knew it would be that way I was still discouraged.
Now I'm afraid to paint. I haven't yet. I don't want to prove to myself and those around me that I really can't do it.
Lillie has acne on her chin. It's ok.
I don't have a job, or school. I need to paint. 
Even though I'm afraid.

Friday, December 12, 2008

maybe it's not as easy as i thought. it's supposed to be hard, thu the sacrifice part. the persecution. we're not supposed to want to do it all the time with a smile on our faces.
it's about laying down our life every hour of every day. and accepting that we are mere mortals, stupid children who think they can achieve great things and be things that matter, we are nothing without Him though.

I thought the source of my horrible recurring stomachaches were meant for me to be forced to reflect, and that is what i came up with.
so i hope the aches and sickness stop now. please.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a feeling i've always wanted and now have had for a long enough time to believe that it is no longer fleeting therefore i can pay attention to it and be grateful without the fear that this awareness will plunge me under and i will be without it once again.
i don't think about guys, especially this week. i've been so consumed with painting and my teacher and what i have to offer and what i want to do, all of it has centered around that and it has taken up my life.
i no longer feel i just bide time until i meet my soulmate. i have a purpose that i can do for as long as i live, something that i hope will fulfill me.

i need to reconnect with my Lord as always though, every time i drift i know it but there's this force pushing me away from picking up my Bible.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

how strange that it has been so long since i have written in this.
i have seen it on my toolbar but have restrained from clicking it.
partly because i wanted to start writing on paper more.
partly becuase i felt like i have too many self expressive outlets already.
they each have their own category though.
tumblr is where i keep pictures, pictures that i may want to remember, a storage place i suppose so i don't fill my computer up with graphics.
livejournal, for the friends, the communities and for clean organized postings.
this for absolutely whatever comes out of my head. here i please only myself, so i can ramble, not capitalize, talk about stupid worthless things. whatever.
i don't think anyone really understands two big things in my life right now:

the fact that my nails are growing out, i can text and am starting to be able to type with some of my nails.
that is huge because as long as i can remeber i've ALWAYS had short nails becuase i've ALWAYS had this problem with picking at them, most people don't understand, the asian ladies at nails salons keep thinking i'm a biter even though i explain to them that i very rarely bite my nails.
i've tried for years, all sorts of things, i really thought it was one of those things i would never stop becuase i do it without thinking, i can do it with just one hand and not even realize it, it was almost out of my control.
then these past few weeks i stopped, i don't know what happened, maybe i was more busy...i don't know, then i looked and saw that they were getting longer so i painted them and that helped for under a week so i took the polish off and they were...long. for me, short for most people, i can see the whites and when i make a fist i can feel them in my palm.
i never thought i'd see the day, unless i permanantly wore gloves, or my medication changed because i think it was just part of that and/or an anxiety disorder.

the other thing is the fact that kate hudson is wearing my dress in her new movie "bride wars" i've had this dress picked out, saved on my computer for literally years. it's vera wang and it's my dream dress for all these years and i was going through an usweekly a month or so ago and there was a picture from the movie and it was so weird, seeing "my" dress on someone, i wanted to yell at everyone and tell them that my dress was in a magazine and that is so cool.
i told my mom, she didn't think it was thatcool. no one does, but i do. now i'm afraid that it will get popular though and the prices will rise rise rise and i REALLY won't be able to get it for my wedding, like i can now. as if. or that it will sell out.
regardless, my dress has made it from it's permanant spot on my mahspaze page to the bigscreen. and if anyone watches that movie you will see it, the beauty of it. it even has that green sash, down to a t.

i've been painting so much, becuase i was and am behind. yesterday from 1 to 6:30 and today from 12 to 6:30 off and on.
i asked mr. h is he thought i had talent, he said he didn't think i had raw talent but i have skills and have progressed very well over the course of the semester.
he talked about how some people are just born with a "gift" and it comes naturally but alot of times they take it for granted and let it go to waste, not use it or push themselves.
he said that the ones with the real passion for art will succeed. he said he doesn't have the "gift" he's just been doing it for so long.
this man knows so much, he's hilarious and warm and he has a neverending plethora of knowledge, he paints, draws, cooks, graphic design, sculpting, photography, you name it. i think the one thing he doesn't do is sewing and the pottery wheel. i talked to him for a long time today and he talked about how he got to where he is now, he never stopped learning. he got his master's and went into teahching them drifted off to all sorts of differnet fields, stage production etc. even now he's taking classes learning the traditional way of painting, making your own paint etc. he is constantly learning new things and he retains all of it. 
i want to take his drawing class next semester, even though i won't be able to finish it, i cna't see myself sitting back for 3 or so months when i could be leanring more from him, even though i think i like painting mroe than drawing they aren't even offering the next level of painting this semester.
i was talking to him about this, how my dad may not want to pay for the class if i'm not even finishing it, or just in general. he suggested independent study and he even said i could just come to class, not even register, that is how amazing he is. i wouldn't do that, i would feel way too bad, he's already teaching above the full time load but only getting paid part time. yet he remebers everyone's names, detials about their lives. all of it.
if my life works the way i want it to, meaning i go to some sort of art shcool or take classes, basically just do art as my main source of living, my profession like i want to he will be to credit for it. i've always enjoyed art but never took a class or anything, never excelled until this class, this teacher.
i wish everyone who likes art could meet him.
aaaaanyways. life is good, i'm almsot done with the english class, i make small talk with the teacher so that's good, i just have the final that has to be completely written in the coputer lab in two hours, an essay on an essay, we have the essay we're writing about but we can only underline tings, we can't write parts of what we're ging to write basically, it has to all be in our head.
the last time we didi this for the 2nd essay i choked. i just cannot work under a time constraint, in a room surrounded by people.
so im going to try to accept that and not freak out. to just be calm about doing badly at it and hope that my other essay make up for it.
i STILL need to tell my dad i'm not attending traditional college anymore.
and i need to figure out a way to explain to him what art school is becuase he doesn't know. plus he's one of those people who won't understand. he thinks with the opposite side of the brain that i do, i was having trouble with the stairs in my picture in class a few days ago and mr. h had to draw a whole diagram, i saw the stairs, the side of the sinding stairs and i saw what i had done and i saw that they were not matching but i could literally not see why, what exactly the problem was. like in math, my head gets to this point where i literally cannot see it. mr. h said that he encounters that probelm with people alot, alot of people in the arts and such field that he works with cannot do the  lines and math and such and he used to not understand becuase he didn't have a problem but then he figured out that alot of people just can't because it requires the other side of the brain, you know? it's how people are wired, just like some people don't understand paintings or drawings, blending and shading and all that stuff, it has to do with out brains.
and that is why i nothting of my high school math, and wy i literlally guessed on 9 out of 10 questions on the compass test for math. i can multipply, divide, add subtract and such, some fractions but other than that i really don't remeber anyting, and i don't see the point in trying to learn it for no reason becuase i will ultimatley forget it like  i have my whole life.
it's pointless, that's why i want ot go to school where i can work with the other side of my brain.
i just hope that i don't ever have to do any of the digital art stuff, on computers, graphics...stuff like that.
my neck hurts.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's the strangest thing, for once in so long I can't remeber i haven't had a strong desire to go on the internets these past four days.
it's probably due to the complete bliss that has surrounded said days.
thanksgiving, my favorite meal and then all four days spent with my entire family becuase my dad didn't have work, putting up the tree, hanging up ornaments, taking "family pictures" for the first time in years, we used my camera of course stacked on vhs tapes on a stool where i focused it set the timer and ran back to the couch to pose pretty.
we had antlers and santa hats too.
thanksgiving leftovers that i had the last of today, including my sweet potatoes that are technically yams because actual sweet potatoes aren't as good as yams, plus theyre an ickier color. the only thing i can really cook all by myself, the thing that i make evry year by default continuing tradition and adding the things i think will go well each year differently because i never can remeber, it's always good, at least i think so. and my family says so, and back when i was friends with kami and mark and stephen they said so but then later kami told me they were lying and nobody liked my yams.
we put together a snoopy puzzle while watching the charlie brown christmas special.
i got beckah in to taylor swift so we went through the whole next week on GAC and...the one below it..A something, country channels to record the things concerning her. today bekah's even memorizing some of her songs, it's amazing what an infulence i have on her, and also scary because i don't want to accidentally turn her off to something she loves because i voice an opinion of dislike.
we were home almost the whole four days, save the trip to the bx to find more puzzles but found there selections was beyond horrible so we settled on a 750 thomas kinkade that only my dad and i are working on becuase my sisters repeatedly declare that it is much too hard for them.
my mom got into tonight though.
been watching csi and cold case.
i'm dreading going back to school in less than 12 hours, i dread doing my essay due on friday that i have no interest in and thinking about it makes me want to run away until my first and last semester of college is over.
i have to do well though, or i'll disappoint my mom, becuase she knows i can do well if i try. like how i got a B on my last essay and that is HUGE becuase my teacher is a chinese stickler that i don't think cries and chose her husband based on a point system.
plus the grading process on them almost solely revolves around the levels of a C grade.
Some B's.
Like 2 A's.
I was beyond proud of myself, the essay i worked on in one day for hours with the motivation of getting new birkenstocks.
i need that for this last essay, well it's not the last one since we have a fifth one but that one is done in computer lab, i'm going to do horrid in that one. essay 2 in computer lab was bad, i freeze and up and can't work on a sticky keyboard surrounded by people and minutes ticking by.
plus i still need ot tell my dad i'm not going back to school.
and my mom has mentioned art school to him to which he replied "what? what is that?" and we replied "a school that is for art, teaches only art" and he "what do you do there? why do you want to go there? etc" i "becuase i like art blahblahblha"
it was funny, he was so confused as to waht an art school was and what its purpose is.
which could be understandable, what job do you get with a degree from an art school but not an actual college?
do they even give anything out?
regardless i don't care, if i did i would continue my college career.
see when i go this long i have way too much to write, all the stuff going on in my head and outside of my head.
i don't know if i'm going ot get my painting for class done in time, i was supposed to work on it the last 4 days bcuase i brought it home becasue it's taking me too long and at the rate i'm currently going in class it will not be done.
i'm so excited for when this is over and i wait out the last few months of living here without a job or school.
i will be a bum.
only not, in my mind it will be like these past 4 days have been, only minus the warm glow of the christmas tree that literally transforms the whole mood of the room and my dad will be working, my sisters schooling here.
i want to put these last four days on a loop please.

oh yeah and for the first time lillie and i took christmas pictures and they are sew kute. i made her a bow and myself a matching one out of christmas ribbon stuff and we sat on the rocking chair in front of the tree and i held her and we were cute, it was quite a feat becuase she does not like being held, for even a second, at all, she immediately goes into feral cat mode and puts her ears back and pushes off from whatever surface she can find on me with her toenails, i can't remeber the last time we got a picture together not on macbook. even on macbook she's in weasel mode.
we're going to start doing it every year i concluded, wear matching bows and take a christmas picture.
mother daughter christmas picture.
ooo we should get her gams in on the one next year! 3 generations of ladies!

i'm not joking about any of this unfortunately, i am a master at improv-ing words in well known songs to be about lillie.
it's pretty cool.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I'm hot I'm sweating I don't know why
Maybe it was the hot water on my hands

Ate so much food i got a side stitch. Apparently you get those from both consuming food and exercising it off.

Our last Thanksgiving here. Home. Next year, I have absolutely no idea what it will be like.
We'll be in Texas, that's all I know.
What will our house look like?
Will Lillie still be whiny all day pacing around wanting attention while we eat dinner?
Will she still have her box?
Will all of my family members be there? All four cats?
What does my room look like?
Will the food taste the same?
Will we be alone or at someone's house?
Will we have people over?
Will I have a boyfriend to eat dinner with?
A best friend?
Will I still be painting?
Will I be in art school?
Or have a job?
What job?
Will I like it?
What is outside like?
What are the people like?

This is the biggest unknown I've consciously been aware of, when I was younger we moved around alot but it'd differnt, wherever I went we would stay the same. The same furniture in the house, I didn't have to work, I didn't have responsibilities, my life consisted solely within our home with my family. 
But this move, I know nothing. Nothing except we are 95% moving to Texas, and we are moving in April.

It's unknown. 

When I was younger I used to think that when I was 16 I'd feel differnt, Id think of my new self, then I turned 16 and realized I had the same mind.
I then thought about myself being 17, I pictured myself tall for some reason, in my head these older versions of myself were completely different, like different people, I wanted to hold on to the way I felt right then but knew that when I was 17 or 18 I'd be different.
But I turned 18 and my mind is the same. I am the same exact person, differnt thoughts but it wasn't as if I was brainwashed and a new 18 year old Chelsea person.
I used to think about my wedding day, even now, I think about it and almost think I wish I could be there, for some reason I still don't feel like that will really be me, the same me.
Having a child? 
I feel like who I am now will get left behind as my body keeps growing and changing and life moving around it.
I feel like I'm going to get left behind.
But that's not true. Because I am almost 19.

Even now I think that, myself being 21, I think I'll be so differnt, I can't imagine myself.

So yes, I think about next Thanksgiving and I feel like that me, that me in Texas will be differnt, won't write in this, will be more efficient and the me right now will stay here in Hawaii.

It's so incredibly strange. I'm glad I finally put it somewhere, all these thoughts in my head I 've had for years on the subject.
That's what this is for, things in my head for me to look back on, and Lord willing I'm not a new version of myself I will remeber these times, these feelings.

I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I don't want one, I hate all that crap that comes with it, the waiting for him to text, reading into what he's saying and what he actually means. I hate all of that.
For some reason I feel like I desrve a man as handsome as a celebrity, with the personality of a leading man.
The highest of expectations is what I have. Not an actual celebrity but someone who is beautiful.
Someone grand, maybe that one person will be so wonderful I won't even do the games, the waiting and wondering.
I'd like to think that's how it's going to be.
I'm excited.
But I don't want that now. So please heart, don't get a crush and turn me into that girl.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I brought my painting home to work on over the weekend becasue it's taking me too long. i like it so far, it's just taking ffooorrreeeevvveeerrr longer than anyone else's in the class, so long that my amazing teacher said this can count for two projects because originally we were all supposed to copy a master painting, which i'm doing, and then do another one after but i'm not going to get around to the second one. there's just too many details.
i was feeling really odd today, my leg shook and rattled the entire time i was painting, every time it touched the ground, and i got dizzy and blurry alot.

i need to find my glasses prescription becuase i do not want to go back to the eye doctor just becuase i lost my prescription like last time. i remeber the last time i got it and was all i will not lose this i have to make sure i don't lose it, but i've lost it and really want some glasses for christmas, i already have them picked out on zenni optical.

i've realized that i don't really want that much stuff for's weird. maybe i just haven't thought it through yet.

i mailed the packages today! finally! i kept putting it off for one reason or the ohter, i think i was just confused on the whole procedure. it was fun getting them all mailed off to the nice people!

exclamation points make writing look immature and cheesy.


we're suppoed to start going through al the sseaons of "lost" tomorrow as a fmaily, we did way back when, well, over the summer my moma nd sisters and i because my dad was still gone, its was so fun, turing off all the lights every evening when i got home from work and watching it for hours all together.
now we're hoping to do the exact same thing only with my dad now too.

the taylor swift songs running through my head every waking minute have not subsided, i'm not suprised, it's not like i've stopped listening to her.
it's only natural they should haunt me.

i haven't been sleeping well recently which is weird becuase i've always been able to sleep thorugh the night without a problem, since i was like 6 months.
or since i was 9. anyways, i've never had sleeping problmes at all.

my new insult is soooo good from "freeway" 

     "look who got beat with the ugly stick!"

and i love brtitany murphy, the old one who played crazy people so well and makes me want to be an actress again so i can play roles like hers, and funny ones too.
now she's making D-list movies and is married to a creepy old fat guy with a combover.

i have bazillions of CSI's to watch.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Geez 100 posts. All in a few months time, I write too much nonsense.
Anyways, we traded my DVR box for a newer one and when you do that they give you all the channels for free for like a week. All the HBO and Starz ones, tons and tons of movie channels. I'm going bonkers trying to go through all of them and record them before the time is up. I'm saving sooo much money not using Blockbuster
I have these scheduled:
Gone in 60 Seconds (I'm a huge Jolie fan and haven't seen this one yet)
The Darjeeling Limited (Jason Schwartzman, nuf said.)
Jane Austen Book Club
Pretty in Pink (still haven't seen that and my mom's been bugging me about it)
Goya's Ghosts (Natalie Portman!)
For Your Consideration (J Kras rite?)
Fear (My mom wants to see it again)
To Die For (Nicole Kidman)
Stranger than Fiction (I fell asleep trying to only catch the Maggie parts)
Romeo and Juliet (the Leo one)

Day before yesterday my mom told me I watched too much tv, that I had to cut down on what shows I record, she said five so I quickly thought of the ones I had to keep. Turns out I have like 5 regular weekly ones, plus The Office but that's recorded in the living room. And I can watch Hillz online.
But I wanted to record all the CSI's on Spike, well all the Las Vegas ones to watch with my mom because she's getting into that show because Liev Schrieber or whatever his lst name is.
Plus I wanted to start watching the new Law and Orders because I think the bearded guy is hot.
And I like "Bones" it plays on TNT once a week. Plus I've been bored so I was recording random Cold Cases.
Pretty much everything is the same, I'll stop recording the cold cases...and Bones because I'd like to see all the seasons from the beginning but it's sooo good.
Um, that's all. As long as I stay on top of all the dishes and spend more time in the living room it should be fine.
I don't know why I like tv so much, there isn't much else to do besides read.

Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal. I always ask for it for my birthday but it always ends up falling through.

I've done good on eating better, I lost a pound since yesterday and I'm cutting out sugar soda and trying to avoid fast food.

Oh great, my dad is making cookies.
i don't feel there is anything wrong with wanting a romantic comedy love story.

watching "the wedding date" with my mom right now, it's almost 2am. it's really nice. sometimes i just really want someone to hold and kiss, not like anyone before.

I got a B on my last essay, that's friggin awesome. last time I got a middle C, the average student gets a C...I'm so proud of myself, i never wrote an essay before this class and I made a B for a paper.

"life doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet"

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I'm always hot recently. I hate being hot. I decided to start recording when i get dizzy spells or vertigo or whatever you want to call it.

Tonight Lillie was on my lap and i was on my computer and out of the corner of my eye i saw the brown teddy bear fall off the bed and thought it was her head for a second, geez it scared me.

My goals:

Learn French fluently.
Come in contact with the *greatest man in the world and marry him.
Do an artistic thing well.
Make a profit off of it, no matter how small.
Get a Lillie-dedicated tattoo.
Get to the point where I truly don't care about what anyone thinks of my outfits.
Learn to play the guitar.
See Coldplay live with my mom.
Get published.
Adopt a teacup chihuahua.
And a Paul Anka dog.
Travel the USA from a car taking thousands of photographs.
Have a baby.
Travel abroad.
Feel truly beautiful, not always less than.
Grow my nails out a tad.
Read too many books.
Inspire people around me.
Adopt a child.
Have my own large collection of books I never get rid of. My library.
Try not to let my shyness not come off as snobbery so much.
Get married in my Vera Wang gown. (yeahrite)
Be loving and kind to everyone around me.
Be myself.
Stop having demons of my past haunt me every day.
Be truly and completely adored by a man, my husband.
Be pursued by him. A leader.
Be comfortable singing in front of people.
Meet kindred spirited girls.
Get my ears pierced and not have the phobia.
To not desire soda.
See bazillions of Independent films.
Help an endangered species.
Put my huge heart to use by volunteering at an animal shelter.
Write a book.
Be someone's muse.
Stop loving Jim Halpert/John Krasinski so much. Unless we get hitched, then it's ok.
Have a best friend. A grand one.
Become solid in my faith and relationship with the Lord.
Put my "special" alternate voice to use.

And many more that will hit me in the hours and days to come and I will wish I put on here.

*Meaning being the man of my wildest dreams. Someone who is completely handsome and confident, humble and funny, smart and Godly, non-judgemental and full of love and facial hair. My list is longer and is open to many tweaks along the way but it's hard to describe a feeling in my heart when I think about this blurry person.

eek my head's reallly dizzy, it's hard being on the computer. i just leanred that my final exam is on december 17, i thought it would be way earlier! dang....i'm so done with this class.
i have to write a first draft before tomorrow morning for this essay on whether or not we should medicate children for depression...

but lillie's sleeping on my bed and i really just want to get in bed with her and watch the CSI's that I recorded...

i decided to try and eat better. and since i haven't really been going to the gym (phase over maybe i no rite) i mainly laze around the house.
i keep gaining weight and i keep watching what i eat, the portions and shiz but it keeps slowly raising. it makes me sooo mad. this all started in the summer when my mom and i would eat alot at night and it's just increased and i'm eatin wayyyy less.
doesn't make sense.
i'm not fat, but i feel really fat. like my mom is all "you looks so much better, you were wayyy too skinny before" but all i think when she says that is i want to go back to that plz.
sure my boobs have increased, and my hips, i'm all scarjo'd up but i still feel fat. none of my jeans fit my new womanly hips.
so yeah. eating better, and doing "yoga" meaning inventing it on my own since i don't want to pay for anything.
jsut laying about on the floor stretching myself in awkward silent positions.

it'll be good, to eat better...and it'll make me feel better for lazing so much. i'm just so tired all the time, physically and mentally.
eating crap and laying in bed = the super overweight people on TLC

Friday, November 21, 2008

i'm kind of obsessed with long hair parted in the middle.
darn bangs.
it doesn't seem possible to have so many phone numbers. we only have 10 different single numbers, yet there are millions of different variations, none of them the same?
even with area doesn't make total sense to me.
kind of like how i still marvel at how airplanes stay in the air, that doesn't make sense either, i know i know it's a gas fire blablah thing but still.....a huge metal craft containing 100 or so people? plus luggage and tons of other crap?
just chilling in the air?

i came across this idea a few months ago, a fleeting idea but i want to write it down in case i forget when i have the opportunity meaning the space and such.
i think coffee circle are wonderful, you know when your coffee cup leaves and brown circle on paper? it looks almost like unintentional water colors. i want to incorporate those circles somehow for a picture.

my belief on my personal painting is i won't usually paint realistic-just-like-real-life paintings, that's what CAMERAS are for.
drawings maybe too, that's kind of different though...i don't know how to explain it. or even if it begs an explanantion.

i'm going to eng. class soon. only that though, its only an hour.
i'm excited to actually start painting on my own though. i haven't even done that yet. new house will have room. for oils.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

i keep this to blurt out all my words, unedited and mostly useless but if one day i write a book, maybe some day i'll write about my life. or want to remember things, i can go through these scribbles of nonsense and dig out any of the true and lasting explanatory things and edit them correctly.
it's like when you're making cupcakes and you pour a whole bunch of sprinkles on the frosted cake then you turn it upside down to let the excess sprinkles fall off leavinig you with some still stuck on.
anyways. some day i want to dye my hair a real color. i've wanted to for a year or so but never seriously considered it because my hair is so dark and thick it would probably ruin it.
but someday i want to. 
life is short. shorter now. shorter than ever.

i need to stop listening to taylor swift, i constantly have her songs swilring in my head, it's ridiculous and it's getting annoying because i don't always want to listen to her...
i whipped up 4 things today in ceramics because today is the last day on the wheel. so i made 3 lidded things each with a diff. lid and a teapot.
i hate this friggin class.

have i mentioned that i'm wickedly excited about moving and haveing a bigger room to set up an easel and my paints and such?
i can see it, sunlight streaming to paint the walls. i've never painted walls my whole life because i've always lived in military housing.

i need to shower. i should work on my eng. essay but i don't want to so i'm not. i really dislike college, i'm so glad i'm almost done.
that sounds like i've suffered 4 long years. heckno it's not even been a full semester...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

oh and i finished "Cherry" and now want to get her other book "the liars club" and anyting else she's written... i also want to look her up online sometimes.
i'm going ot start "shopgirl" i remeber liking that movie, it being real and containg some sort of mental illness. i didn't know it was based on the book written by steve martin himself.

the tips of my fingers still hurt from today. i'm having a really hard time typing too for some reason. typo extravaganza.

oh and i friggin love taylor swift and her new album, i've already memorized most of the 1st and 3rd song.
i didn't get home from school until 6pm, i left the house at 1030 am. i only have two classes too, mannn. but i stayed late by choice, i kept painting after everyone in class left working on the clouds and make my fingers sore from the rag and turpentine rubbing and scratching, then looked after an hour or so and realized the sky was shades of brown so now i have to go over it lightly with sky grey colors.
my mom thinks i'm really talented by what i show her from my cellphone all tiny picture like. there are people more talented than me in my class. its not fair.
my mom briefly mentioned art school to my dad and he was all, why? why do you go to art school? what's it for?
he doesn't "get" me. doesn't get that i want to learn to do art well, even if i can't make a career of it. ideally i'd like to exceed in one medium at least and then make money off of selling it, not alot of money at all. just a little bit, it warms my heart to extremes and seems unreal to have someone want to purchase something that IVE created to hang up in their own home with no knowledge of me or who i am, solely based on something i alone have created...unreal.
ideally my husband will support me, i'll do art and sell it but not make too much money, i ahve low expectations in the money area. heck, i don't know if i'll make a dime off of anything i make.
and if i'm not married and not selling anything again, ill just get a small job i enjoy on the side.

english homework bites.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm waiting on my mom to get out of the bathroom to decide what to do. she cut her hair bad and i was mean about it, sometimes i think she wants me to be honest so i be brutally honest and then make her sad. then my dad was an arse about her hair and saying she was vain because she keeps cutting it. i said no, that's not true and to just leave and stop talking.

the mock trial thing was today. it was basically like a new therapist that knows nothing about my mental history so i got to tell her everthing. is it strange that i enjoy telling strangers about the traumatic events in my life? to enjoy waiting for a reaction, to see if it's worse than they expected or not as bad?

"cherry" is so friggin good, this author blows my mind. she's also a poet so the way she writes is someitmes like poetry. it's made me want to try out poetry, i've always thought it was boring. i'm a fast reader but with poems you have to slow down and focus on each words because poems are short, stories are long. so much more is packed in a short poem than in an excerpt from a book.
today at the mock trial iw as trying ot describe the people that aren't like me, the majority of or population. at my school, almost anywhere. i couldn't put it intot words and the words i did came out harsher than i intedned them to and didn't even accurately convey what i was trying to say. i said they were dumb? but tha's not it. tonight in "cherry" there was a part that summed it up, i wish i had known that beofre. it explains at least part of what i was trying to convey. i still dn't think i can explain fully in words....
no, the way mary karr did, or better yet her friend int he book since it's a memoir did it well.

i have homework for english but i haven't done it, nor do i inted to. i started this class ont ime and all but ive gotten more and more lenient about assinments. even though i don't want to keep pursuing college i don't want to fail thse few classes.
i just don't want to do the work either. i don't ahve a passion for writing essays about unsoulful things, not stories not feeling just facts and citings.
i feel like anyting i don't have  a passion for does no deserve to be done, or given my full attention.
i have a passion for tv watching?
there must be an underlying reason for my love of watching crime dramas in bed all day with lillie.

Monday, November 17, 2008

i dislike people who think their name is a brand.
or that add a punky adjective or noun to the end of it and THEN think it's a brand.

i have merca, just kidding i don't. that just popped into my head, just like that, that little sentece and since no one reads this i'm allowed to be really strange and say things that make no sense and htat i don't think about before writing
one time at a stoplight a month or so ago i didn't have my glasses on and up ahead i saw a guy walking and i saw he had a beard and i thought he was hot but then he got closer and i saw that he was an old homeless guy.

not cool.

i'm really protective of my food. i get really anxious and worry my sisters are going to eat it all or that i won't have enough. i like to get as much as i can even if i don't eat it all i like having it there. and i like saving some if it's possible.
i'm just really possessive of my food and i don't know why.

right now i'm reading "cherry" by mary karr. she's a really good writer, a poet. it's a memoir.

then i'm going to read "shopgirl" i think and i have 4 virginia woolf books and 2 more i got from savers...and the leslie ludy one.
i think i'm getting back on track with my relationship with the lord.

i like thinking about my husband when i'm at places. mmm like today at the cafeteria there were so many people talking and looking crude, one tall, large local guy behind me in line kept getting really close and making me tre uncomfortable and i started thinking about how nice it owuld be if my husband was here. i pictured him, tall, but not gangly, not fat. lightish hair, a beard...i think he had a plaid shirt on and was smiling. i wanted him to be there but i was so happy just thinking about the day he will be.
i hear about people geting married to their loves and saying things like "he wasn't what i had in mind or pictured but blablahblha" i don't want that to happen though, i like what i have in mind, it's kinda flexible.
i want him to be strong and driven and secure and humble and funny. i don't want him to joke all the time though. i don't want him to be insecure, im so sick of that, of hearing guys talk to me about how lame they are or dumb or shy or how they'll never get married. no, not someone like that at all.
someone who will be stronger than me in the lord, that will encourage my walk in a way that won't make me feel judged, i don't know how that will happen though.
there is no one in my life that could be this guy, no one. ok maybe that nice girl in my art class who's dad is a preacher and who's brother goes to school too and has abeard... but i odn't really know what he looks lke, only that he has a beard which is plus points for me.
anyways, yeah. i'm so happy for my heart righ tnow, for not having a crush to stress me out and be stupid over.
i hope htis lasts, i hate having feelings for guys but i can't control it. i'll just pray to keep this lack of sentiments on the downpour of my life. ?
speaking of i love the rain. so much, espeically at night and especially in the day time when i can be lazy.
what is better than laying in bed all day with rain pouring down outside with coffee and kitties and the tv?
i don't know if that's entirely simplistic of my or entirely slothly.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I told my mom about college. I wish I was talented, I wish I could paint or draw well. I wish I had inspiration and passion and mad gifted skills.
Sundays are Lillie's sleep in days.
she stays in bed for hours late into the afternoon, sometimes stretching until evening without getting up or getting up briefly and going right back to bed.
I don't think anyone besides my mom understands how much I love her. I literally cannot imagine my life without her.

I need to talk to my mom about college soon, about me not going back, of not doing anymore after this semester.
But right now i'm going to do homeworks.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

i think i should learn how to write poetry.

aaand hawaii's thrifting is WAY too expensive, from what i've heard of other people's thrifting finds it's ridiculous here...
here's the sitch. college is good, but i really don't enjoy it. i could struggle through it if i was wanting a career that is only attainable with a degree but i don't, so why waste my parents money? i know it's not a complete waste but if i'm not planning on making a career out of it i could save my parents from getting into even more debt.
i honestly don't enjoy college and the only reason i would keep doing it was just to have it under my belt.
but that's alot of money, and alot of time. and alot of miserable for me.
i reaaallly need to go to savers and get some dresses and skirts to go with my birkenstocks.

so i was going to try to go through c.s. lewis's books. i started "the screwtape letters" and i really want to get into it but it's just...boring. nothing happens, they're just metaphorical letters from i'm guessing satan.
i'm not an idiot, i just don't enjoy that particular book and am not going to keep on reading it just to appear intelligent to my mom or anything esle.
sure i'd like to say i've read all of c. s. lewis's books, that'd be a nice thing to have under my belt but not right now, or at least not that particular one right now.
i just found a pile of books i got from savers a while back that i still haven't read, in addition to the ones i had before that i ahve not read. i pretty much have my own little private personal library.
i have 3 virginia woolf ones.
ummm i really really love "lipstick jungle" and especially victory ford, and espeically because we have the same body type and i enjoy that because someitmes i feel too curvy and fat when that really really is not true at all.

my arm hurts. stupid hpv shot.

Friday, November 14, 2008

i need to stop freaking out every time i get shot.
only she said it'll be 10 years until i have to get any more, so maybe i'll be brave by then.
my mom said i'd have a husband and a baby by then.

will i?
i will not marry anyone less than great. i've always had second thoughts with all my boyfs, wondering if there's someone else. cuter, nicer, braver, taller, smarter.

i won't wonder about those things with him. he will be ridiculoulsy handsome to me and kind and intelligent and hilarious and tall and manly and we will share clothing and create things together and apart.
i got a new phone, paid 60$ for simple one, not flip or slide or whatever, it's so confusing, once you go sk you can't go back i guess.
i was trying ot find my pictures but the only pictures i have are the ones alex sent me a lonnngnggg time ago. alot of the ones he sent to me when i had my old old sk and couldn't receive picture messages so i had to look at them online. those are the only picitres i have, just ones from him.
it's weird.
i dn't know how to do almost anything on it.
oh and my birkenstocks just got in! am wearing them now of ocurse.
we're going to go get the last of our shots now, the first set was when i fainted. i hate getting shots. it freaks me out.


psych appt. today but i didn't know how to get to the hospital coming from the opposite direction, from my school not my house. my dad kept trying to explain it, i just wanted to stick to a way i could see in my head, that would take longer but i that way i knew exactly how to get there, i've since realized i'm a visual learner, if i can't see it in my head i don't know what you're talking about i won't be able to figure it out. i got to school and then two girls in my class kept trying to explain the way my dad tried to, over and over i just could not grasp it. i couldn't see it in my head. i felt so dumb but what's new, i lack common sense. i decided to go the way i knew until the last second i made a split decision and turned on an exit i thought they were taking about, i didn't merge correctly because i wasn't thinking and ended up on H3, the highway that's one of the few on the island that has a speed limit of 60 mph. it goes through the mountains with no exits for a long while, i kept trying to get off but i couldn't, i felt so trapped going that fast surrounded only by mountians towering above me, it reminded me of when i used to drive to see d becuase he loved at kbay. all i could do was drive forward. i started crying and called my mom, it was so horrible. feeling trapped in that state where i felt close to him, to what i used to be. it didn't help that it was grey and gloomy outside. nope, not at all. i came up where there's one of the prettiest views, you're up way high with mountains around and it opens up below and you can see cities and the edges of the island then the ocean, it's beautiful. i was stupid and decided to try and take pictures with my phone solely for livejournal while driving, i was snapping away and looked at the road and saw myslef swerving to the car next to me, i jerked the wheel the other way but then almost ran into the concrete median, again i jerked the wheel back the other way causing my car to goout of control swerving back and forth extremely fast until i got control of it. i was so shooken up, i was so close to smashing right into it, on the other side was the two lanes going the opposite direction and then the drop aka great view. i'm probably a pansy but i really don't even like thinking about it. i saw myself crashing and if i would have, it would have been bad, i was just so close to it, so incredibly close. of course my heart was beating out of control and i was breaking out in sweats. i still was trying to get off that darn highway though. i ended up in some town in kaneohe, i started crying hysterically again, getting lost in hawaii is entirely not fun but maybe it's that way everywhere. i eventually found my way back. needless to say my day was full. just that hour. i can't wait to get to texas. and heck yes i'm uploading those photos, they may be cruddy but i don't care, they are worth posting. oh and you can even see the thing that almost took my life on the left off all of them. the last one is a milli-second before the incident. and oh yeah i listened to taylor swift's new album all day long and i'm only mildy ashamed of that fact.
Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr