how strange that it has been so long since i have written in this.

i have seen it on my toolbar but have restrained from clicking it.

partly because i wanted to start writing on paper more.

partly becuase i felt like i have too many self expressive outlets already.

they each have their own category though.

tumblr is where i keep pictures, pictures that i may want to remember, a storage place i suppose so i don't fill my computer up with graphics.

livejournal, for the friends, the communities and for clean organized postings.

this for absolutely whatever comes out of my head. here i please only myself, so i can ramble, not capitalize, talk about stupid worthless things. whatever.

i don't think anyone really understands two big things in my life right now:

the fact that my nails are growing out, i can text and am starting to be able to type with some of my nails.

that is huge because as long as i can remeber i've ALWAYS had short nails becuase i've ALWAYS had this problem with picking at them, most people don't understand, the asian ladies at nails salons keep thinking i'm a biter even though i explain to them that i very rarely bite my nails.

i've tried for years, all sorts of things, i really thought it was one of those things i would never stop becuase i do it without thinking, i can do it with just one hand and not even realize it, it was almost out of my control.

then these past few weeks i stopped, i don't know what happened, maybe i was more busy...i don't know, then i looked and saw that they were getting longer so i painted them and that helped for under a week so i took the polish off and they were...long. for me, short for most people, i can see the whites and when i make a fist i can feel them in my palm.

i never thought i'd see the day, unless i permanantly wore gloves, or my medication changed because i think it was just part of that and/or an anxiety disorder.

the other thing is the fact that kate hudson is wearing my dress in her new movie "bride wars" i've had this dress picked out, saved on my computer for literally years. it's vera wang and it's my dream dress for all these years and i was going through an usweekly a month or so ago and there was a picture from the movie and it was so weird, seeing "my" dress on someone, i wanted to yell at everyone and tell them that my dress was in a magazine and that is so cool.

i told my mom, she didn't think it was thatcool. no one does, but i do. now i'm afraid that it will get popular though and the prices will rise rise rise and i REALLY won't be able to get it for my wedding, like i can now. as if. or that it will sell out.

regardless, my dress has made it from it's permanant spot on my mahspaze page to the bigscreen. and if anyone watches that movie you will see it, the beauty of it. it even has that green sash, down to a t.

i've been painting so much, becuase i was and am behind. yesterday from 1 to 6:30 and today from 12 to 6:30 off and on.

i asked mr. h is he thought i had talent, he said he didn't think i had raw talent but i have skills and have progressed very well over the course of the semester.

he talked about how some people are just born with a "gift" and it comes naturally but alot of times they take it for granted and let it go to waste, not use it or push themselves.

he said that the ones with the real passion for art will succeed. he said he doesn't have the "gift" he's just been doing it for so long.

this man knows so much, he's hilarious and warm and he has a neverending plethora of knowledge, he paints, draws, cooks, graphic design, sculpting, photography, you name it. i think the one thing he doesn't do is sewing and the pottery wheel. i talked to him for a long time today and he talked about how he got to where he is now, he never stopped learning. he got his master's and went into teahching them drifted off to all sorts of differnet fields, stage production etc. even now he's taking classes learning the traditional way of painting, making your own paint etc. he is constantly learning new things and he retains all of it. 

i want to take his drawing class next semester, even though i won't be able to finish it, i cna't see myself sitting back for 3 or so months when i could be leanring more from him, even though i think i like painting mroe than drawing they aren't even offering the next level of painting this semester.

i was talking to him about this, how my dad may not want to pay for the class if i'm not even finishing it, or just in general. he suggested independent study and he even said i could just come to class, not even register, that is how amazing he is. i wouldn't do that, i would feel way too bad, he's already teaching above the full time load but only getting paid part time. yet he remebers everyone's names, detials about their lives. all of it.

if my life works the way i want it to, meaning i go to some sort of art shcool or take classes, basically just do art as my main source of living, my profession like i want to he will be to credit for it. i've always enjoyed art but never took a class or anything, never excelled until this class, this teacher.

i wish everyone who likes art could meet him.

aaaaanyways. life is good, i'm almsot done with the english class, i make small talk with the teacher so that's good, i just have the final that has to be completely written in the coputer lab in two hours, an essay on an essay, we have the essay we're writing about but we can only underline tings, we can't write parts of what we're ging to write basically, it has to all be in our head.

the last time we didi this for the 2nd essay i choked. i just cannot work under a time constraint, in a room surrounded by people.

so im going to try to accept that and not freak out. to just be calm about doing badly at it and hope that my other essay make up for it.

i STILL need to tell my dad i'm not attending traditional college anymore.

and i need to figure out a way to explain to him what art school is becuase he doesn't know. plus he's one of those people who won't understand. he thinks with the opposite side of the brain that i do, i was having trouble with the stairs in my picture in class a few days ago and mr. h had to draw a whole diagram, i saw the stairs, the side of the sinding stairs and i saw what i had done and i saw that they were not matching but i could literally not see why, what exactly the problem was. like in math, my head gets to this point where i literally cannot see it. mr. h said that he encounters that probelm with people alot, alot of people in the arts and such field that he works with cannot do the  lines and math and such and he used to not understand becuase he didn't have a problem but then he figured out that alot of people just can't because it requires the other side of the brain, you know? it's how people are wired, just like some people don't understand paintings or drawings, blending and shading and all that stuff, it has to do with out brains.

and that is why i nothting of my high school math, and wy i literlally guessed on 9 out of 10 questions on the compass test for math. i can multipply, divide, add subtract and such, some fractions but other than that i really don't remeber anyting, and i don't see the point in trying to learn it for no reason becuase i will ultimatley forget it like  i have my whole life.

it's pointless, that's why i want ot go to school where i can work with the other side of my brain.

i just hope that i don't ever have to do any of the digital art stuff, on computers, graphics...stuff like that.

my neck hurts.

geeeez.