I'm hot I'm sweating I don't know why

Maybe it was the hot water on my hands

Ate so much food i got a side stitch. Apparently you get those from both consuming food and exercising it off.

Our last Thanksgiving here. Home. Next year, I have absolutely no idea what it will be like.

We'll be in Texas, that's all I know.

What will our house look like?

Will Lillie still be whiny all day pacing around wanting attention while we eat dinner?

Will she still have her box?

Will all of my family members be there? All four cats?

What does my room look like?

Will the food taste the same?

Will we be alone or at someone's house?

Will we have people over?

Who?

Will I have a boyfriend to eat dinner with?

A best friend?

Will I still be painting?

Will I be in art school?

Or have a job?

What job?

Will I like it?

What is outside like?

What are the people like?

This is the biggest unknown I've consciously been aware of, when I was younger we moved around alot but it'd differnt, wherever I went we would stay the same. The same furniture in the house, I didn't have to work, I didn't have responsibilities, my life consisted solely within our home with my family. 

But this move, I know nothing. Nothing except we are 95% moving to Texas, and we are moving in April.

It's unknown. 

When I was younger I used to think that when I was 16 I'd feel differnt, Id think of my new self, then I turned 16 and realized I had the same mind.

I then thought about myself being 17, I pictured myself tall for some reason, in my head these older versions of myself were completely different, like different people, I wanted to hold on to the way I felt right then but knew that when I was 17 or 18 I'd be different.

But I turned 18 and my mind is the same. I am the same exact person, differnt thoughts but it wasn't as if I was brainwashed and a new 18 year old Chelsea person.

I used to think about my wedding day, even now, I think about it and almost think I wish I could be there, for some reason I still don't feel like that will really be me, the same me.

Having a child? 

I feel like who I am now will get left behind as my body keeps growing and changing and life moving around it.

I feel like I'm going to get left behind.

But that's not true. Because I am almost 19.

Even now I think that, myself being 21, I think I'll be so differnt, I can't imagine myself.

So yes, I think about next Thanksgiving and I feel like that me, that me in Texas will be differnt, won't write in this, will be more efficient and the me right now will stay here in Hawaii.

It's so incredibly strange. I'm glad I finally put it somewhere, all these thoughts in my head I 've had for years on the subject.

That's what this is for, things in my head for me to look back on, and Lord willing I'm not a new version of myself I will remeber these times, these feelings.

I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I don't want one, I hate all that crap that comes with it, the waiting for him to text, reading into what he's saying and what he actually means. I hate all of that.

For some reason I feel like I desrve a man as handsome as a celebrity, with the personality of a leading man.

The highest of expectations is what I have. Not an actual celebrity but someone who is beautiful.

Someone grand, maybe that one person will be so wonderful I won't even do the games, the waiting and wondering.

I'd like to think that's how it's going to be.

I'm excited.

But I don't want that now. So please heart, don't get a crush and turn me into that girl.