I was able to tell my dad things I haven't before last night.

The power was out so I couldn't see his face clearly and he couldn't see me cry.

I yelled, I handled it wrong at times. I called him an asshole.

But all in all I stood up.

I told him I didn't really respect him.

He said why not, he puts a roof over my head and feeds me, is that not respectable?

I said those were things not his character. There is a difference.

I told him he hasn't been a good father my entire life.

He told me to tell him when, exactly when. He scoffed He laughed.

He said "well then I guess I'll be paying for your counselig for the rest of your life"

My entire life. 

As far back as I can remember he has been this way.

Sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again.

The worst part is that he refuses to admit it. Ever.

When he twists our words, when he punishes us in subtle ways.

He refuses to see any of it.

To not care if he's belittling me. My mom.

He latches on to my youngest sister because he can cotrol her.

He wants to drink, he thinks becuase my mom doesn't like him drinking in front of us that she's not normal.

But my sisters and I, all of us hate it.

Because we've seen him get drunk.

We've seen him blame it on benadryl.

I told him the first thing I could remember of all of this starting was when I was about 7 or 8

My mom was away

He passed out drunk on the couch and I didn't know what to do

I had three younger sisters

And I didn't know what was wrong

I couldn't do anything

I cried and cried because I was all alone

I couldn't get ahold of my mom

he was was barely awake

I was so incredibly alone

He used to tell my mom she was nothing

That our whole family was better off without her

She was just another mouth to feed

He broke her 

My sisters and I kept her alive

So sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again

And right now it's bad

Worse for me because for the first time

I stood up to him

I told him one of his daughters is grown up enough to see him for who he really is

I can't be controlled anymore, I see him

And I tell him what I think of him

And he laughs

He rolls his eyes

That's my daddy

One by one all of us will grow up

And see him. And he won't be able to control us

To talk bad about my mom when she's not around

To sneak vodka into water bottles when she's not around

We will all stand up

He'll call us crazy, like he does to my mom

He tells her she is mentally crazy

He can call me that all he wants

Becuase in spite of the lack of encouragment from him for most of my life

In spite of the fact that I don't think he really loves me sometimes

In spite of him laughing at my dreams

Of thinking pursuing art will land me on the streets

I am strong

My mom parented for both of them

And she succeeded

I don't think he will ever see

I can pray and pray

We can all pray

But the sad thing is is I don't think that will do anything

I think he is uncapable of feeling

I would rather him be physically abusive

You could see the bruises on our arms

The welts on our faces

But you can't see the damage to our self esteem

Our self worth

You can't take a picture of that to bring to a judge

You can't videotape his twisting our words and manipulating us

until we're broken

and he can then control us

My father is emotionally abusive

He is verbally abusive

No outsider can attune to that

They don't see it

He's good at hiding it from others

Because to them, he is sociable Mike

The guy who bakes cookies and cakes

The guy who leads children's groups at churches

The social butterfly of the family

Behind that is something I don't think he can even see

I don't think he sees how he hurts us

over and over and over

Years

I now know his games like my mom does

I'm not afraid of him

I love him

But I know his character, who he is

Is abusive

Cleverly of course

He makes sure of that

But he is

He fits the profiles

I love my dad

But he doesn't know what love is

Only control