Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ice and snow coat nation

1. I need a small camera. I reallyreally do. It's hard to commit to taking pictures everywhere when you have to bring a separate friggin bag for the camera itself. Don't get me wrong, I love my camera more than cheese but I'd just like to have a smaller one too to keep in my purse.

2. I will never be able to go out with someone who has bad grammar or spelling. It just can't happen, he would end up hating me for correcting him all the time. I can't stand improper grammar, especially from adults. Adults older than me.

3. I've decided that if I go back to school aside from doing the art thing I want to study either psychology or anthropology. Or something else that ends in -ology and doesn't require many mathematics or biology/science credits. Me plus those equals noes.

4. I always always need to remember that if I get under 5 hours of sleep I will be sleep deprived and thinking to myself "people do this all the time I'm fiiiiine" will solve nothing, eventually I will reach maximum level of bitch status and then within 30 minutes I will have a meltdown and cry and cry and cry.
It's a pattern and it always happens like that and I just need to accept that I am a pansy baby and need my sleep or at least forewarn those around me that I will crack and it will be bad.

5. I hate my hair at this stage, I'm sure it could work if I worked on it but that's too much work so I don't do it so it never works. Short hair is a drag, not for me. Too high maintenance.

6. I will never get over my adoration of television characters, especially men. Sometimes I get so full of adoration for their character I wonder if I will find someone like that but even more because obviously I want him to be all the male characters rolled into one and then I think I will have to make sure the man sees all episodes of the shows containing great ment that speak to my heart.
Most recently, today when I watched last Thursday's "Grey's Anatomy" in which Meredith tries to help a serial killer to die so they can save his organs and doesn't tell Derek and then he finds out and is livid but then she goes to said killer's execution because her heart is so large and even though he'd murdered 5 women he wanted a familar face there so she went and when she left Derek was there with his adorable jeep that I didn't know he had and she cried because she knew he was disappointed and didn't understand why she did the things that she did and she didn't either but she was just compassionate and that's who she is and he hugged her.
Come to think of it Derek has alot of really good moments and though Grey's isn't my favorite show and Meredith isn't my favorite character out of all shows I think I am most like Meredith with all her emotions and issues and Derek gets that, he doesn't always understand but he loves her completely. Like that time in a past season where he said something like sometimes they would fight and sometimes he would leave but he will always always come back.
I can't wait to start watching the seasons with my mom someday, I think she will lurve it. I sound like such a 13 year old fangirl when I talk about tv shows but I don't know how to word it in a way that makes it sound less like a ~*~*~*~Nick Jonas dream date encounterz at mah hIgHsChOoL pRoM~*~*~*~

7. I think I love Lillie more and more every day. Ohmygoshsappycrazycatladypuuukkkeeee.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

how can one person be so flawless? LOOK AT HER SKIN IT'S AMAZING.

I love that family.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Cars likely to disappear

Also, I have these two vague aspirations that float  into my head sometimes, they're two of many but those stood out the other day as I sat doing nothing or someting, I'm not sure. In my mind they appear floating at different sides, not in any order or anything meaning there's not sort of plan or goal set.

They are moving to New York and adopting at least one child.

If I let my mind be still for just a moment and think I know I will come up with alot more, from the list I made a little while back even. But focusing hard on not thinking those remain.
For now.

Governor denies any role in leak

1. When this whole thing started my mom and I made a deal that the ONLY way it won't go through is if my dad totally breaks and actually truly is sorry and changes. Neither of us thought that would happen, seriously, after seeing him one way my whole life I didn't exactly expect him to totally turn himself around. But he did, beyond recognition. He says he loves me when we say goodnight, he went to church and then came home and told my mom all about the sermon and what he learned and the notes he took and how he tried to find the pastor but he was busy. All of it, I knew it was possible, I remember telling my mom that that I knew the Lord was capable of it but I didn't think it was going to happen, and I remeber wondering if that meant I don't trust God, to not have faith that my dad would do a touch down turn around. But much more serious than a Hellogoodbye song. I just totally made this less serious than it is with that reference.
Aaanyways, I don't see us leaving him. Last night I asked my mom what the percentage of us staying was and she said 85%. I expected higher but she said she still doesn't trust him. On another note he still hasn't found a job, my mom still really wants to move to ugly ole Kansas, I'm rooting for Portland becuase the I won't have to go there by myself someday. That's not gonna happen.

2. I took over my sister's schoolwork. Bekah who's 12. All 3 of my sisters homeschool but the twins' school is on their computer and they don't really need help or one on one stuff. Just Bekah who is alot like me when I was still schooling, so I know her tricks to get out of stuff, get stuff crossed out etc. etc. etc. My mom's too easy on her, it drives me nuts the way she acts, that's one of the reasons I sometimes think I shouldn't have kids because I know if my child acted like her I wouldnt be half as good as my mom. But that's another can of worms or butterflies or moths or whatever.
So yeah, she does PACES so I started scheduling and crossing out unnecessary things becuase this curriculum is Christian so alot of it is wayyy over the top unrealistic Stepford children. She's already behind, I'm also making her read some of the books the twins and I read when we were younger and my mom ordered from Sonlight which is amaaazing because their History curriculum included a buttload of fiction books, historical fiction mostly, some really grand memories. I'm so glad we still have most of those books, they're really good. They're normal books too, not ones that they made, various prise winning books. Bekah doesn't like reading, she's the only one besides my dad and I just can't get over how she just doesn't enjoy it. It blows my mind.

3. I watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with Lindsey while everyone save my mom was at church. The twins have a very different taste in movies, books...everything as part of their autism and such so they have no interest in romantic comedies and such, pretty much any "normal" things 15 year olds like and do. But I told her it was funny and I thought she would like it becuase it's pretty clean and quirky and she did! She even cried, it's really cool for me when I can share something that we can both relate to because the twins and I are so different, most of our interests are quite different. Then Lauren and Bekah watched it tonight and Lauren cried and cried. It's so neat seeing them react to things like that, you could say "normal" things but really just things that are universal I suppose is the term. Maybe not quite.

3. When I was in Sparks (a Bible memory club thing part of AWANA for K-2nd grade) I used to tell my Sparkies that moths were boy butterflies. They believed me, I think I almost believe myself too. It makes total sense.

4. Because I always have a hard time thinking of a subject for entries on here and LJ I came up with the idea of just using an AOL headline for them. Because I really like having subjects even if that make no sense. And using parts of songs all the time is too corny for me.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

 If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. Anais Nin

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

he called us in to talk to us. he explained, he wants us to stay.
he knows he was wrong. he wants a chance. he loves us. he thinks if we leave him now we probably won't be together again, we won't want to leave our life for him, or how will we know he's changed from a phone call. we need to live with him to see a change.
i talked to him alone. he explained his mom not being there for him when he was a teen, now he doens't know how to relate to us as teenagers. how to show or even tell us he loves us.
i told him in all my years i never really knew if he loved me and recently i didn't think he did. i gave him examples, my birthday etc.
he stuttered, but his lip and fumbled for words finally swiping a finger across his cheek.
he apologized, said he really loved me.
i told him this wasn't about us not loving him, me not loving him.
he said he wants to just go back one month, one month.
i said he can't, that's the thing, he can't go back, it's already been done.
i kept telling him that i want us to be a family. i told him he needs to prove he can change. that he can't just expect us to automatically trust him after a week or two, or a few days actually so far.
he said he's never felt like this before, this sorry, acknowledging that he has been wrong.
he said he knows we don't think he has feelings, but he does.
i kept telling him to just work on himself, see a pastor, go to church, prove his change, then we can be together again.
he told me to look at statistics of couples who get back together, i told him to forget that.
i told him he was an alchoholic, he talked about how he went to the store today and didn't buy anything, i said it's more than that, it's the fact that once he has a little he just wants a little more, he can't stop. i told him he just needs to stay away from it completely, he said i was right.
he just keeps saying that he doesn't think we'll all get back together if we leave, that mom won't want to move us and leave our life in kansas to go to him. how she won't even be able to know if he's changed.
i told him he was giving us an ultimatum, he said he wasn't. i said yes he was, he's telling us if we leave now we probably would be throwing away this only chance. that things won't work out, we'll all make our own lives.
i said that's not true, if he really loves us and really changes we can all be together again. he said mom would never go for that.
he said a year was too long, i asked him if he expected all our lives this past 20 years to just go down the drain in a year, that it was sad if he thought that.
he mentioned something about love conquering all at one point, he said his mom never talked about that or demonstrated (though I don't know under which context he would expect that to come from her...) so I told him to do it, she didn't but he can. he said maybe.

it's not fair for him to expect us to stay now that he's finally truly sorry. i've never seen my dad cry before tonight, ever. even though he just teared, i've never seen him even close to that.
mom said he might have been faking, this was all a game. now that he thinks we're really leaving again he's trying to get us to stay by acting like this.

if he really loved us and really wanted to change and really was changing like i really think he is wouldn't he agree to wait a year, to let us go and not say that it probably won't work out? wouldn't he agree to go to church and see a pastor and prove himself to us, to admit that he can't earn our trust in a week, that he has to take time. that we can't stay here and cheer him on, chances are if we stay he may slowly lose the motivation to chnage because we're already here right? slowly the determination may wear down. he wouldn't have suffered.

there are too many what ifs. too many simple points that become a mess. simple right and wrong scenarios, the way things should logically be.
but when emotions get involved everything gets blurred and everything is gray. 
my head and heart are rarely in sync.
my mom was angered when he said he worried about us making it, like he didn't think we could, that we had unrealistic expectations. she said that's how he's always made her feel, like she was small and weak. she needs to do this, staying with him makes her nervous, when is he going to get mad again, what is she doing wrong now, did she cook something wrong.

it's when i think with my head and then my sentimental heart feels for him, and then i think maybe my heart is right. which is better? is there a yes or no? do we always have to struggle to find that medium, that common ground?

she was hell bent on leaving before i went and talked to her about his and my conversation, now she's not so sure.
wish wash. i try and sway her but when she sways i want to go to the other side again. i don't know why.

why can't he just be like, i understand that i have been wrong all this time and i don't deserve your trust so I will take this year or so to reflect, to see a pastor, to for the first time examine myself and my endless issues and faults and work on them and i hope that when i do these things and become the man that deserves you girls that you will let me back in to be your father and husband. and if not i at least have to try, for myself foremost and for you.

so yeah. we're always swinging and crying, too much htinking, what is right and wrong and is he faking and is what he is saying true, is it a game? if it's not should we still stay? or would us staying make it worse.
after all these years the least he can do is live apart from us, to understand that he could have thought about this a month ago, or when he signed the papers but he didn't and now he expects us to take his word when his word has rarely meant anyting in the past.
and if we take his word and things fall apart we will be the fools, we will be the ones regretting not leaving when we had the chance.

is there a clear answer? maybe someone is praying out there and can see this from an unbiased point of view and will read all of this, all my entries about him through the bad and some good and tell me what is right.
because unfortunately i can usually convince my mom of anyting, i'm good at arguing and reasoning and sometimes i wish i wasn't because then i wouldn't feel so responsible. i can't just hold back though. or maybe i can.
shutup chelsea.
ok so maybe it's not so bad.
this way we won't be as poor.
and also we can go somewhere besides tree-less flat kansas.
i'm rooting for portland, but that's far from haphaphapppening.

so maybe i'll pull the colorado thing, it was quite lovely, plus the girls like it because of wolves, and it's the same level as missouri and kansas but prettier.
i think.

there's this really fun website where you click on a state and then it lists good small towns there and most of them have pictures.
for everyone to find their own personal Star's Hollow or another small kine town.
spretty neato.

i don't clap-kill bugs. it's disgusting but there's a horrible gnat. guh-nat.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

i feel like i'm falling apart. like i'm losing what little i had.

i had hope and it's sick that i'm wanting the days of him being cruel to come back around.
because then, i knew what i was, what we were doing.
there were plans, exciting new plans and everything was falling into place.

but now. now he went to a psychologist. he cried there. i have never seen him cry, or come close to crying.
now he's regretful and broken. he sits and stares into space.

so now. nothing is certain. should we stay or should we go now?
while this is unlike anything he has ever done before, past anything i thought he was physically capable of.
what if we stay and it gets bad again? because we stayed he won't have motivation to get the help he needs, the therapy, the AA.
or what if he's depending on my mom too much, to help him now after she's tried almost 25 years to change him, help him, begged him to stay with us.
so what now, there is no good answer, either way.

and i'm irritable all the time, i'm snappy 80% of the day.
and i've picked my toenails down so now when i paint them it takes only one horizontal stroke across.

because nothing.
because the life that was laid out, the road laid out for us to walk on as early as the next few weeks is crumbling
and all there is is smoke. where you don't know what you see.
so you see nothing.
and know nothing.

chelsea, don't make plans. don't believe plans. stay detached from plans and future lives.
it's better that way.

Monday, January 19, 2009

crapcrapcrap. he's sorry, he wants to do anything he can. he took a zoloft. he says he will see someone.
is it horrible that i wish he was still mean? i was all set on something, the papers are signed and now this. 
great timing.
i keep building lives only to watch them fall back again.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

alright so

Apparently my dad apologized this morning for getting drunk etcetera, etcetra? He said he regretted things.
Regardless, we're still going through, my mom told him it would just get bad again within a month or so.

We find out on Tuesday whether or not we can leave early. If movers come it would take about 30 days for out stuff to get to Kansas. So either we wait 30 days or move and live without various household items.
And we're still looking for a house, bouncing about between renting and buying. My mom has shown me soo many houses it's ridiculous, there's one that's just dreamy. And gorgeoussss Like really nice inside, and all of them have fire places! I don't know, maybe alot of houses have fire places...I don't remember the houses from before I was 11, plus I was always in base housing except for here for 6 months or so and it's not like they regularly install fireplaces in aloha-town.
You know, I really want a friend. Just one, I literally have never met someone who has the same tastes as me, music, television, movies, style, home decor, religion. And if it weren't for Miss Tiffany I may not believe such people existed.
I really want to move to New York someday, just pick up and leave with some money and get a job waitressing or something.
Sometimes it dawns on me that I only have one life, amidst reading about other people's lives on in the internet and in books, movies and tv I forget that I only have this one.
It's kind of hard to explain.
I just feel like I'm wasting it, well I have been this move and new life is not wasting it at all, it's filling it.
But after that I can't fall into another boring cycle of wasting my life. This is the time when I wear crazy things, go overboard with makeup, be loud and take roadtrips. I dont' have much respnsibility besides Lillie, when your'e young your'e supposed to do this. Well not supposed but this is a very good itme. And if I waste these years planning on doing something, thinking about doing something, waiting for it to come to me soon enough I'll be 25 or 30, I'll be in school or in a serious relationship.
I don't know. I just think.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I love being inspired. By looking at pictures, or reading things people write, how they dress, what they draw, who they are inspired by.
I feel the way I want to be, to dress to act, it changes throughout the day. And then when it comes down to getting dressed or drawing I end up going with something boring, something not like anything that inspired me that day. Something almost boring. Not always, but alot of times this happens.
I don't have this consistent style, this look that I keep up with. The retro or grungy, messy or tomboyish, girly with dresses all the time or laid back tshirts. I can never find a style I like enough to remeber to keep up with it every day, to have it with me all the time. Instead I get lost with all these thoughts bouncing around and not settling on one thing.

You know how people, me. We want to change something about ourselves, improve, break a bad habit, get up earlier, draw more, read better books. We decide to do these things, but then we say "well when I get this I'll start." Like, when I get a job I'll have the money to incorporate that style consistently. Or when I don't feel sick any more I'll start doing yoga.
But then it gets pushed and the reason for putting it off changes until you no longer make an excuse.
I feel that way about moving, I tell myself "well once I move I can start over, make myself into one person and not the 10 shadows of 10 different styles.

I don't know if it will work, I'm acknowledging that many times these things don't work but I still want it to.
I want to get rid of alot of my stuff, it's hard becuase I'm so sentimental and hesitant because "what if someday I want this" or "someday I'm going to regret this decision."

But really, in order to start over, I have to clean the slate.

Rosi Golan for new music today, recommended by Natalie

January 15

He snuck in some alchohol and drank tonight. I'm very very afraid that when all this is over and we go our separate ways he will be alone, and drunk in front of the tv and computer games. Just like he wants, to be able to drink. To give up everything for that. I'm scared and I'm deeply deeply saddened.
DSC_0020 DSC_0023 DSC_0085 These were taken on December 16, so about 9 days before Christmas, when everything started to roll downhill.
Also, depressed is both a light emotion and a state of being, a disorder, and illness I am familar with.

January 16

Many moons ago I rented The OC season 1 and as I watched this scene my favorite song in the world til this day was discovered. And mostly when people ask me and I tell them "Dice" by Finely Quaye and William Oakley they say they have no idea what that is and I say I didn't think so.

January 12

1. Today my father cut my mother off completely from his funds, leaving her with only the money she has collected these past few weeks to help start us off when we move. He will however transfer funds for groceries to her account. How lucky are we. He was very angry when he found out about her private account. He's grown more and more childish every passing day, yet when he comes home from work he expects everyone to act as though nothing has happened. He made Lauren cry the other day when he told her he was cutting her allowance in half because "the economy is bad and she and her sisters should feel the hurt too." She just didn't understand why he would want her to hurt. Today he informed my mom that he can no longer "afford" the girls' music lessons and choir. It's not pleasant being forced to live in this house. To not have money, or a way to get it really save a part time job for 2 1/2 months? 2. This whole thing has kind of been the gist of my life recently. It's just really huge. And it's going to be more and more huge as the days grow nearer when we move to a state we've barely seen where we know no one save my uncle and his family. From a family to something very different. Right now it's all this technical stuff. Making copies of things, doing everything possible to keep him from twisting things more. All the technical money stuff, lawyers, bank accounts, alimony, retirement pay, when we'll move, how we will, when will we get any money from him. He told my mom today that he isn't going to "pay for her to sit around on her butt all day." I'm sorry this has occupied so much of what I write about, pretty much all I have talked about these last weeks. It's just...very surreal. I should probably start de-crapping my room and organizing for when we move. I really don't feel sorry for myself for having to go through any of this. I'm just angry at my dad, angry at him giving his family away so he can have a "normal" life. After all these years. To this day he still doesn't think he has or is doing anything wrong, ever. Talking to him is futile, it always has been. No matter if you tell him the sky is blue, if he thinks it's green, he will refuse to even consider it might be blue. Even if it would mean his was mentally challenged to really not see that it was blue he still won't say it. He will roll his eyes and scoff at the idiot who say it is. That's him in a metaphor. That's him in any discussion I've had with him since I've "grown up." I'm really excited to move though. And really scared out of my mind to leave this island that I've grown up on, for 8 years, since I was 11. We're leaving the physical place and also the life we've always had. I'm more or less happy. This colored my day today.

moving some lj entries from this past week or so here

Mom and Dad went to the lawyer and signed the papers and yada yada, he was actually really nice last evening and this morning. It was strange...but apparently he got stressed at the amount of child support he will have to pay for my three younger sisters, no money fo me as I am 19 now. He's really worried about getting a job now that he's going to be out of the military, for the first time since he was 20 he is out of that security that the military gives you, a steady income, housing etc. He only yesterday confided in my mom and told her how stressed and worried about money he is, he's applied to 60 jobs and still hasn't found one. See right now, I really love him. Because he is nice, becuase he seems to be in this "vulnerable" situation where he seems to not be the macho controlling man he always is. I asked my mom if she still wants to go through with everything now that he's being nice and she said no, she just has to look on the past 20 or so years of things being good then bad then good then bad. It's always been a rollercoaster and what has held it together was the times when it was good again and all was forgotten or pushed away thinking that maybe this time it will last. So right now Im trying to go with my head, not my heart. My head remembers a few weeks ago getting in a shouting match about respect, about me finally realizing that he is only kind when it suits him. That he refuses to even listen to my side of how I see my life, why I want to pursue art or anything besides traditional college right now. I just have to look back on those posts in my blogspot from a few weeks ago. I don't believe this is holding a grudge, it's being realistic. The truth is that he can turn at any moment, he can start making fun of me for what I believe, for my feelings at any second. Even when I reach the high point of the roller coaster, even when I'm on the ocean and the waves have stopped for a while I know that there will be a drop, another wave will come crashing on me and to pretend like that isn't going to happen isn't being forgiving, it's being foolish. Enough about this. I love my dad, and it's just a very mild version of that scenario where the abused child/wife etc. goes back to their husband/father etc. over and over and you scream at the tv and tell them how stupid they are but they just say that they love him and he really is sorry this time. Only dad hasn't apologized, it's just very sticky and to try and analyze it all out would just lead me around in a circle, there is no simple way to explain it. I need to stop writing so freaking much.

Friday, January 16, 2009

i'm dreaming of a whiiite christmas

I've never been a headache person but now I've become one. One of those headache people.
I'm sure it's stress, if you can get headaches from stress.

Dad's dunk again, started this afternoon or perhaps earlier.
This is going to be a longer and crappier two months than we thought.
He has taken over the living room in a drunken stupor watching THS on E all day even though his eyes are barely open.
The best way to keep from being hungover is to get drunk again eh?

I just really hope I have my own room in our new house, it's very important to me.
I really need to get rid of a lot of stuff.
The only things safe in this room are my books, dvds aaand art stuff/certain stuffed animals.

I also need to remember that I still need to get Lillie a soft carrier for the plane since I'm taking her as one of my carry ons, escuse me did you SEE "Homeward Bound 2"???
And also some tranquilizers for her to enjoy on said trip.

Since I have no income, and because we are ridiculously tight on money seeing as how we don't eve have the funds to buy or rent a house etc. upon arrival in our new state I made a short list of esential things I want/need.
I took care of one such thing today in the form of "Bones" season 2, checkkk.

the selby

enough with the pity me's my daddy doesn't love me wah wah wah

-It was bound to happen, things were good but then he started drinking tonight. What really really worries me is the fact that one of the main reasons he wants the divorce, he wants to give up his family is so he can drink and get drunk whenever he wants to. And I'm so scared because I know when all of this is final and we all go our separate ways he's probably going to drink alot. All by himself. He's just going to get drunk in front of the tv. I have to push this from my mind, I have to not think and imagine that happening. I want to believe that everyone is going to be happy, that he will get a nice job and just be happy. But I can't imagine a scenario that could paly out that wouldn't make me feel dreadful and to not even be able to imagine something is very depressing. He's the man that led children's groups at church, all the kids loooved Mr. Mike, he was so fun and cool. He's who taught me how to drive and listened to Britney Spears with me in the car always. Now what, he will be alone. Crap I hate this. I hate thinking about it. As much as I wanted this all to happen I never really considered the fact that while my mom and sisters and I all have our happy little new life in Kansas he still doesn't have a job, a place to live. Anything. I just can't think about it. I have to push it aside. I have to remember that this is what he wants. Right?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

papers were signed today. should be all through and through within 6 to 8 weeks. still seeing is we can leave early, some military thing where dependents are allowed to leave early if given permission and approved, probably won't happen because it would only shave off a month becuase we have to stay here until the divorce is finalized.

my head hurts and i'm tired.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

blehhh wichita kansas. i seriously want to go on a roadtrip this summer, if for no other reason than to celebrate being off a rock after 8 years and only dreaming of road trips that don't end after 3 hours when you hit water.

mom told the girls today, bekah howled. and hyperventilated. and howled crying.

it's ok now though.
well, kind of ok.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

a long time ago, we used to be friends

i just found these stashed in one of my folders, more pictures of my dress that's been mine since age 16. now starring in the new film "bride wars." 
it was mine before it was kate hudson's. why couldn't they have used a new design? seriously.

i'm having way too much fun with this.

but is this burning, an eternal flame

i'ts too stressful. mom and i are fighting all the time.
this shouldn't be happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't raised in a broken household. i'm the dad but i'm not given a choice on where to live, i'm the good husband when she needs me.
fretting about where to live, where to move in under 3 months, what we'll do for money, how she'll get a job. will there be a church there? a good one? will we be able to find an apartment that allows cats? that 5 women can fit in and afford? will we be close to anyone we know?
will it be grey and treeless. that's how i see kansas from when we went there, utterly depressig and it's the frontrunner. my spending hours looking for small "stars hollow" towns does nothing. truth is i just want to escape somewhere i know. somewhere that's not so foreign when we're beginning this foreign life at the same time.
i don't want to be in another one of these cardboard white walled houses, new houses, new ones among their siblings that all look the same.
i just want a house, for once in my life i thought i was going to get a house but then this whole thing happened and that dream of painting my walls for the first time and feeling really in place was pushed farther and indefinitely ahead.
so what. i've resorted to climbing inside myself, to throwing away that dream of being in a bright and happy place where i'm free and creative and happy.
for now, i just need to accept that this next year is going to be harder than anything i've ever considered being faced with. leaving this home of 8 years. this island home.
i have no one. nothing. 
so a fighting match in the bathroom, started crying slammed door yelled and she really is going to sleep. so much for not being able to go to sleep when i'm upset.
we all reach our breaking point. we all reach the point where any promises and the true tender side of ourselves in overpowered.

i can't expect this to not be stressful. and it is, so very much so and i don't have an outlet.
sometimes i don't have anyone. 
my stomach has been hurting in all sorts of ways, sharp pains to nausea to aching to cramping to heartburn in my throat and chest and more nausea.
at least my face isn't breaking out, no need to pummel my self esteem at this point in time, that would be no good.

i stay in my room at night, i've grown to barely talking to my dad at all. maybe a few words, put forth by me in reference to a needed question or such.
tomight he was nice right before he went to bed though.

there was improper grammar on the big posters in the bxtra today. for shame.

i feel. so sick.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Monday, January 5, 2009

i was reading through my old moleskin from when i was with dane.
i would give almost anything to erase that stuff. it made me sick reading it.
i was so stupid, so so so freaking ignorant. a moron. thinking i was being free and mature and independent and he was this worldly person and all i wanted to do was be with him and drink and give my body away.
it's so sick.
i had to tear out some of the pages, some of them were just too graphic and made me want to scream and throw up at the same time. take a sharpie to my brain.
i wish i could erase everything, it is the most shameful, i literally despise that person i was. i hate her, i loathe that stupid stupid girl. 
i loathe him, i want him out of my head. should he be that way by now? but sometimes when i shower or do nothing i get horrible flashbacks.
things i can't tell anyone, they hurt too much. they are too revolting.
he is the lowest. just reading that stuff he was so manipulative and i played into it. i was a stupid girl who wanted to be "cool" and hip and he took advantage of that and i hate myself and i hate him.

what will it take for me to get over this? what will it take to feel like my life is in no way his? to get rid of the feeling that he has a part of me?
i was going to keep that journal, you know for memory's sake, to look back on when and if i'm ever healed.
but i think i'm not going to, i'm going to burn it. everything from him.
and you know what's sad? he sent me a message wishing me a happy birthday, that makes him the third person outside my family.
i hate myself. maybe i need to go crazy and get rid of every little thing that is in any way associated with him.

he ruined me. i ruined me.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

No matter how much I wanted to make this birthday feel like a birthday I couldn't and I'm glad I had excuses to not be able to, it took some of the pressure off.
Alot of the family is sick and it's not like I had any plans with friends or a party so we didn't go anywhere, I kept trying to think of what to do, what to say to make it feel like a birthday, to make it different than other days, to make it special. I couldn't so I blamed it on the fact that we couldn't go anywere and because of the obvious painful tension lurking the whole house and every exchange between my father and someone else.
My mom is amazing my little sister is so sick but made every effort to make this birthday as good as she could, even though she should've stayed camped on the couch more to keep from coughing so much she begged my dad to get me donuts, to drive all around looking for them, as soon as she thought I wanted something she did everything in her power to make it happen, making an amazing homemade card and decorating my cake when I don't know if I would do the same for her if I was sick like she is.
I'm truly blessed, I need to lay off on the controlling thing, the obsessing about the whole thing.
We spent most of the day in the living room where we moved couches around and started going through "Gilmore Girls" again, the first season because mom and I wanted to watch them again, we relate and will even more in the coming months as our living situation shifts. Of course I've seen most of the seasons multiple times but Bekah's just now watching them, it's fun sharing this thing that's been in my mom and my life for years, to share that sort of tradition now that she's old enough for the first few seasons at least.

It's stressful because dad is being super sweet to the girls trying to get them to like him, I'm betting that he's doing this to hurt my mom and to try and get them on "his side" and get them to pick him when we all separate. I keep telling my mom that he has no chance, to not let him be able to hurt her, she has to be careful, as soon as he sees weakness in her or emotion he jumps and attacks like a predator attacking their prey when they're already down or wounded. It's horrid.

But whatever. I made a wish on my candles, took me a while of sitting there with everyone staring at me urging me to blow them out already and growing warmer from the heat of the 19 tiny flames in front of me, I had to use this wish though, looking ahead at this year I felt like I had to make this wish be really good.
Superstitious I know. 

Here's to coffee and the comfort and hope that I feel with "Bones" and Lorelai and Rory and moving forward and trusting the Lord.

Mom and I are still going to see as much movies as possible soon in theatre to celebrate.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

i'm going to take a shower.
i'm going to roll my hair.
i'm going to pay a sister to do my dishes.
i'm going to make hot cocoa.
i'm going to get in my bed.
even though i think my sheets etc. are quite dirty.
i'm not going to do laundry.
even though i'm out of pajama pants and underwear +1.
watch bones.

my tummy hurts.
i miss my hair :0/
my dad sent my mom a list, what she'll get when we all separate, said the kids can choose who they go with. the girls still don't know, which is good in a way. they're waiting. i still don't feel like this is really truly happening, i don't think anyone understands how strange it is, our family, our together church going family, homeschooling 4 kids family.

i keep breaking down, i keep crying. i think i had an anxiety attack in walmart today. i can't handle things. i keep dying my hair, trying to get the color i want only it bounces around so i never really know what i want. i'm probably trying to control my environment, i can't control what's going on and i can't do anything so i change my hair. like some people stop eating because they can control that, i keep wanting ot dye my hair over and over change it. i think that's why. sometimes i don't know why i'm upset, but then my mom suggests a possible cause and i feel myself welling up letting me know that that is the cause. even though i don't really actively think 'i'm changing my hair because i can't change anything else, i'm controlling my hair because my life is out of control' but when she suggested it i welled up.
that's how i know things, that's my signal now.
we're bouncing around states, which one to move to, the cost of living, if we know anyone there, if it's too cold.
i keep feeling guilty, for lots of different things, for hanving my mom buy me presents for my birthday, fo rmaking a stupid list when i get things all year round, for not feeling as birthday-ey as usual, for feeling like i'm being ungrateful for feeling that way. it's almost a guilt i can't pin on one thing, just an overall guilt that pops up and makes me fall apart.
i've just been watching "bones." i think it helps, i'm escaping yes but it soothes me, the characters.
i'll take what i can get.
my mom is the best thing in my life, even though i keep falling apart she is always there with empathy, when i know that if i were her i'd get frustrated at my selfish self crying when i barely have a reason to. it's her who has a reason to.

I think my dad forgot about my birthday. Either that, or he's wanting us all to believe that he doesn't give a crap or thought to it, well, he actually said he hadn't given any thought to it. Making the utmost effort to appear aloof and clueless to me at all. Still.

Thanks dad, I'll just go look at that picture of you on that day 19 years ago, you so young holding me up to your face when I was all red and ugly, you looking genuinely happy, young and baby-faced without a care in the world. Those pictures show a side of you I don't remember ever being a witness to, but they're there so I know they happened.

Happy Birthday to me tomorrow, I'm not sorry I lost your respect these past 16 years.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Lazy day today, mom is now sick with my sickness so we watched two movies about alchohol rehabilitation unintentionally, "28 Days" and "When a Man Loves a Woman" the latter is fantastic and I don't think I've ever heard it mentioned outside of my mom. Meg Ryan used to be so pretty.
Speaking of, I want to lend everyone I know "Dead Man Walking" which again I had never heard of until my mom bought it for $5 and told me it was wonderful, it was amazing, I judge the amazingness by how I was affected, in this case I cried more/harder than ever in a movie before, the last 30 minutes I was literally just sobbing on my bed and my sister came in becuase she heard me crying. Look it up, watch it, and tell me if you cried, even if I don't know you.
I want to make people watch it, to make them cry. Not out of hostility though.

I decided that I really must move to New York City someday, really really. For some reason I keep seeing it, like on the New Year's celebrations on tv, and in "Definitely, maybe" I want to live thereeee. So that is one of my goals, I didn't even see myself being married and living there, I see myself there with a friend, I know myself enough to know that going there all by myself would be a depressing overwhelming disaster and I wouldn't last.
So yes, in the next few years I wish to acquire a fantabulous friend to go to New York and live, I'll take some little job and just try and make art and write. Ah, I feel so nice not wanting a "career" career.
Laziness maybe, more attention to myself, I'm happier when I'm not stressed out and overworked, no matter how much money I may make if I graduate into a high paying career job.
I totally respect people who do that though, I think it's amazing. Maybe someday I will.
I recorded the "Bones" marathon today so I have around...15 episodes to watch? I'm honestly obsessed with crime show dramas. Gah.

My birthday is on Sunday.
This new year is going to be unlike anything my family, us girls have ever imagined. We're going to be thrust into an entirely different life. But when I think about it, I see us as being really happy, just a house of girls and cats giggling and carefree.
No judgement, no worrying about sleeping in or being in pajamas or not doing the dishes on time for appearances. No worrying that we're making ourselves seem lazy or anything.
My mom's been going through all these books, it's amazing how well they describe my dad. He's a narcissist apparently, reading the standard psychology symptoms or what have you, how he doesn't respect other people and demonstrates that by rolling his eyes or laughing when you stand up to him or talk to him. That's him. All this stuff we always thought was just his personality is actually not, the fact that I don't feel like he's ever really been proud of me is not okay. The fact that he doesn't respect me his own daughter, that he doesn't give a crap if I'm happy, or what I want or think, he literally doesn't give a crap what I have to say on anything because not matter what he has and always will think he is right, we are idiots. We are ridiculous. And that's not right, and by doing all this soon we're able to save the younger girls the treatment I'm receiving, how they slowly turn from being his daughter to being an adult idiot who lives in the house. That which he can't control, he rejects and does not respect.

I think my hair is fading, I wish it would just stay red.


grow closer to the Lord, make him the center of my life, not just a ritual activity

write in my moleskin every single day, or draw, just put something in for every day and date it

wear whatever I want and be confident in it, make my own trends

make alot of art, all kinds, experiment

feel beautiful, stop feeling like I'm an ugly fat person

readreadread. devour books

Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr