Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I enjoy my tiny fuzzy baby girl cat sleeping on my bed twitching her little ears in sleep.
Perfection she is.

Birthday List?
For my Birthday, instead of a party or fancy restaurant or something I think I've decided on seeing as many movies as possible with my mom in theatre because it's killing me to not have seen almost any of the ones generating Oscar buzz, gah I get too excited over movies. Good ones. If only I could see "Wendy and Lucy" if only.


1) f21 boots i'm settled on black...but grey looks cool too...

2) dresses, my birkenstocks and would be boots look better with dresses, shorts, skirts etc and if I get lots of socks and tights and leggings I won't even have to shave my legs every gosh darn day

3) just clothes, basic pieces in the form of light dresses that I can layer with tights or knee/thigh high socks, boots, commit the worst fashion rule and continue wearing socks with my Birkenstock sandals. Etc, etc. Hard to explain I'll know the pieces when I see them. Layers layers layers.

4) "Felictity" season 4. then my collection will be complete, Borders used to have one copy of each season so every time I went there I would buy the only remaining copy but now they don't even have season 4 so that means that someone besides myself not only knows what "Felicity" is but enjoys it enough to spend $60 on it.

This is taking too long I already have a paper list I don't know why I decided to try and type it out too.
We're playing games tonight, I bought Apples to Apples last night and today mom and I got Trivial Pursuit. It's kind of our traditon I suppose, we play board games on New Year's Eve most years.
How special.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I stopped wearing makeup the past...months. I thought to put makeup on every day was being high maintenance and just reminded me of those fake girls who plaster their faces with the same thing every day.
Plus I was afraid it would break my skin out.
BUT. I'm going to start wearing it more, and I need to get rid of alot of my makeup, seriously I have makeup that is years old. I never follow expirations.
It's bad...but this gives me an excuse to buy new makeup in the voice of preventing infection and breakouts.
I also realized I need clothes, not need need but need want. As in I try to create outfits but realize I can't create the looks I want with what I have.
SO since my birthday is on Sunday I will put forth effort into acquiring those things. Basic clothing pieces, and maybe a new mac powder thing becuase mine is old...but I did wipe it a bunch trying to get the top layer off when I started using it again.
Blargh. I usually try to focus on my eyebrows but my hair is more red now and I don't know if making them the same dark willl equal tacky tacky or edie sedgwick.

My moods are so up and down. last night I wrote that happy blog and then less than 15 minutes later i was really depressed about turning 19 and not having anything to show for, not doing anything with my life and I always worry I'm going to end up like Jennifer Aniston in "The Good Girl"
I stay still and the same while my years tick tick by until i go through menopause and I can't even have babies anymore and I'm all like DANGIT why did I forget to have babies.
That was a lie.

As always, I need ot work on my art. I'm still sick. And I've been writing in my journal everyday, I made a commitment to do that, even if I only write a sentence a day, I want to write in it every single day to counteract this thing I have with writin gon the internets.
Oh and that picture is from a few days ago, when I wore makeup (inorite!?). no way right now with my cracked lips from having my mouth hang open for days because my nose is proving to be incabable of helping me with this whole needing to breathe thing to prevent my body from dying.
It's nice, especially my cough.
My Nyquil makes me foggy, sleepy but I also forget stuff and start sentences and not know what I'm talking about. Benadryl doesn't do that, just makes me sleepy. Nyquil is a new ballgame, it makes me even more awkward and strange.
I'm also really mean when I'm sick, tummy sick I'm nice I think...I remember Bekah saying how she likes it when I'm sick because I'm so nice but I have no been so nice, I've been whiny and clingy and acting like a 3 year old, it's weird, i have this tendency to want my way or to get bekah out of my space bubble and when it doens't happen i start...whining/shrieking?
So word to the wise: 
tummy sick- nice chelsea
cold sick- 3 year old tantrum chelsea. her special voice comes into action and lives up to its tone in these times.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm really happy.
I'm happy with what's going on in my life, isn't that strange?

Maybe I'm one of those people who likes drama. I can't explain it any other way really.
All the secret plans, the late night talking with my mom, what we need to do, act, wait, when, how.
Maybe I'm just excited for change.
And change this will be.
The biggest change of my life so far, well minus the whole thing when I was 8 that started my life of various issues.

Seriously, it's so far fetched I feel like it won't happen, yet it has to because I won't let it not happen.
The only way I won't is if he truly changes, and the chances of that...pretty much non-existent.

So what is it? What is wrong with me? In three months I'll be moving to some state, I don't know which one. We will probably be living in a separate house than my dad...but how does that work out?
Will he pay for us?
We're going to be poor.

It's all just as foreign as can be. I see the story, the life we may have, I've always known about it, seen it in other people or in movies and tv shows, books but I never thought my life would turn into that, I always thought the life I had now would stay basically the same. The same general storyline of our family.

But we're about to be thrust into a life completely unlike this one, and unlike anything we've ever come close to being. Living.

I really need to work on my art. 

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I feel like I lost my dad.
The only time we talk is when I ask him a question and he responds one wordedly.
If I'm not direct he pretends to not hear me.

I know our relationship has never been "close" but we had the superficial stuff.
We knew how to laugh, shared jokes, watched SNL together. Our relationship was based on that and that was fine, we got along.

Now I don't even have that and I worry that this is all a mistake. Even though in my head I know it isn't, in my head I know that he does not care because he never has hinted at it and most likely never will.
My head knows that, my head knows that it probably doesn't even matter to him. All the evidence points to that.
But I'm still sad. I still consider apologizing and making everything better.
But that's exactly what he's planning on because he's done it with my mom time and time again.
He punishes us like this until we as females, we who have feeling hearts are sad for him, because we care.
And then he wins.
He witholds affection, attention. Contact even. To me. Like a sour teenager mad at their parents and thus ignoring them.
That is how my father is to me.
And I have to listen to my head.
And accept that this is who he is, and we don't have a relationship.

And that doesn't matter to him.
And the fact that it doesn't matter hurts even more.
The fact that he intentionally hurts us and plays with our emotions.
I've lost my dad.

I don't want to cry. But seeing it for what it is breaks my heart. Seeing him ignore me, seeing him tell my sister he doesn't have to apologize to me because I'm almost 19 thus I'm an adult.
I want to believe he loves me.

But if he does, it's buried deeper than I'll ever know.
My birthday is so freaking soon  but...I don't want it to be. I'm really lazy about it and I want to save it for when I'm feeling better and in the party mood.
My family keeps asking what I want to do and I just say nothing.

It's sad.
My mom's applying for jobs, she wants to work full time and then instead of me getting a job before we leave I'll stay home with the babies, only the youngest of them is 12 but they're still the babies.
It would be, or is going to be so weird my mom having a job, a full time job. She has never had a job in all my years of living, except a brief one at the school I went to for a little while.

Everything is strange. Just everything.
I need to go put a shirt on...and pants. And leave my room.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm so horribly socially awkward. It's gotten worse as I've spent more and more time at home and away from other people.
I get so anxious when there are people I don't know around, I stutter and say things that don't make sense or I just stand there awkwardly.
I hate silence becuase I feel like that means I'm boring but I don't always have something to say.
I overanalyze situations and that makes it harder.
I wish I could be as natural around other people as I am at home.
Maybe that's extreme self confidence. I have self confidence, I just have a problem interacting with people.
I interact with my cats just fine though.

ps. thank you for all the kind words. 
I was able to tell my dad things I haven't before last night.
The power was out so I couldn't see his face clearly and he couldn't see me cry.
I yelled, I handled it wrong at times. I called him an asshole.
But all in all I stood up.
I told him I didn't really respect him.
He said why not, he puts a roof over my head and feeds me, is that not respectable?
I said those were things not his character. There is a difference.
I told him he hasn't been a good father my entire life.
He told me to tell him when, exactly when. He scoffed He laughed.
He said "well then I guess I'll be paying for your counselig for the rest of your life"
My entire life. 
As far back as I can remember he has been this way.
Sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again.
The worst part is that he refuses to admit it. Ever.
When he twists our words, when he punishes us in subtle ways.
He refuses to see any of it.
To not care if he's belittling me. My mom.
He latches on to my youngest sister because he can cotrol her.
He wants to drink, he thinks becuase my mom doesn't like him drinking in front of us that she's not normal.
But my sisters and I, all of us hate it.
Because we've seen him get drunk.
We've seen him blame it on benadryl.
I told him the first thing I could remember of all of this starting was when I was about 7 or 8
My mom was away
He passed out drunk on the couch and I didn't know what to do
I had three younger sisters
And I didn't know what was wrong
I couldn't do anything
I cried and cried because I was all alone
I couldn't get ahold of my mom
he was was barely awake
I was so incredibly alone
He used to tell my mom she was nothing
That our whole family was better off without her
She was just another mouth to feed
He broke her 
My sisters and I kept her alive
So sometimes it's good, but it always gets bad again
And right now it's bad
Worse for me because for the first time
I stood up to him
I told him one of his daughters is grown up enough to see him for who he really is
I can't be controlled anymore, I see him
And I tell him what I think of him
And he laughs
He rolls his eyes
That's my daddy
One by one all of us will grow up
And see him. And he won't be able to control us
To talk bad about my mom when she's not around
To sneak vodka into water bottles when she's not around
We will all stand up
He'll call us crazy, like he does to my mom
He tells her she is mentally crazy
He can call me that all he wants
Becuase in spite of the lack of encouragment from him for most of my life
In spite of the fact that I don't think he really loves me sometimes
In spite of him laughing at my dreams
Of thinking pursuing art will land me on the streets
I am strong
My mom parented for both of them
And she succeeded
I don't think he will ever see
I can pray and pray
We can all pray
But the sad thing is is I don't think that will do anything
I think he is uncapable of feeling
I would rather him be physically abusive
You could see the bruises on our arms
The welts on our faces
But you can't see the damage to our self esteem
Our self worth
You can't take a picture of that to bring to a judge
You can't videotape his twisting our words and manipulating us
until we're broken
and he can then control us
My father is emotionally abusive
He is verbally abusive
No outsider can attune to that
They don't see it
He's good at hiding it from others
Because to them, he is sociable Mike
The guy who bakes cookies and cakes
The guy who leads children's groups at churches
The social butterfly of the family
Behind that is something I don't think he can even see
I don't think he sees how he hurts us
over and over and over
I now know his games like my mom does
I'm not afraid of him
I love him
But I know his character, who he is
Is abusive
Cleverly of course
He makes sure of that
But he is
He fits the profiles
I love my dad
But he doesn't know what love is
Only control

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I don't feel like myself without my hair. 
It's so short.

Christmas is about Jesus. Not me. And it grows ever more scary to think of how next Christmas will be

every day i drift farther and farther away from having any idea whatsoever what will happen and how it will be when my entire life will be changed.


I also got an I <3>
Sometimes when I have no one to talk to sans my mom I just talk here. For lack of friends I spill to thee.
And thou.
my mom is thinking about leaving my dad again.
in the midst of this, in the midst of our plans to move to texas and buy a big house.

this has happened before, for the same reasons. it fell through.
i don't know if it will this time too.
i'm depressed and it's christmas. depressed because it doesn't feel like it and i don't have the effort of desire to make it festive.
my dad has been a scrooge all day, most of it stemming from wanting champagne and not getting his way.
it's big. it's little. i got the thing i wanted most, "Influence" but it has mary kate on the cover not ashley.
i wanted ashley.
my hair is dark red.

this too shall pass. even though my father is an asshole. even if my 3 sisters and mom and i get a small house instead of all living in a big one.
I'm lonely.

Plus I only have one CSI left. My priorities, i haz them.

gg watch "the nativity story" w/ mom now.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Most likely watching Dark Knight tonight.
Frankly I don't want to all that bad, part of me does but part of me doesn't.
For the same reason I didn't see it in theatres.

It all goes back to his death. It was known that he struggled with playing the Joker, had a hard time getting in and out of character. From what I've heard it was a beyond stellar performance. He had to get into the Joker's twisted mind and when he wasn't filming, you can't always just turn that off. If you could, it wouldn't be much of a stretch from you and your character.
But the Joker wasn't any character.
Ultimately because he couldn't sleep, it was well known that he wandered the streets of New York late at night because he couldn't switch it off.
He took sleeping pills.
And one time, I believe he may have took some and forgot and took some more. Different ones
I do not believe he committed suicide. I do not believe he would leave Matilda among other reasons.

I got into an argument this summer at my job when all of this was really big, one of the "bosses" in my office was talking to another one outside my cubicle about how he wasn't going to see The Dark Knight because he doesn't want to support "suicide".
He didn't want to pay money to support an actor that "comitted suicide."
I then stepped out of my place both as the lowest person in the office and also as my usual quiet self and argued him.
Told him the facts I mentioned above. Counteracted his ridiculous ignorant mindset. I think I finally gave up and from that moment on disliked that old man with a gobble the size of his own head even more than previously.

It really ticks me off the ignorance of people.

So yes, that is why I have been hesitant to see it. Because playing that profoundly disturbing character in some way led to his death. I'm not blaming the character, it's's going to be hard seeing how good he did and why he did that good. Because he committed his entire being to that character and that led to his physical destruction.

On the other hand I am so excited to see Wendy and Lucy although I will have a wait a long time i'm sure becuase of course Hawaii does not get those kind of movies here. I can't wait to move.
Oh if we could be near and Independent Movie theatre. Bliss. I love films. So much.

Christmas Season

my sisters have two christmas parties this season.

i however, have had none. instead i have filled that void and all the other voids that i have from my own personal preference with copious amounts of CSI.

The original mind you, the spin offs don't compare.
I so wish I had a gap between my teeth. Jorja Fox is beautiful.

I really love this blog, it is wrapped with warm hugs from me.
I'm going to CSI.

Monday, December 22, 2008

i either consciously or subconsciously or a mixture of them both make boys i don't like, like me. why? for the attention? probably not. it ends up ticking me off when they do start liking me.
and the ones i do like? they date stupid girls. i know they're stupid from a single tiny facebook photo of one making a weird face.
stupid. she looks incredibly average and normal.
she is one of those. you know, everyone besides the we's.

and i just don't understand. of course i'll never make the first move. so i just sit, and watch boys i barely know and who are only mildy aware of my existence date and date.

they don't know what they're missing.
and i will get married to a scruffy MAN and he will say "AHA! at them you wicked losers, you missed out on manic pixie dream girl chelsea.
you guys suck, have nice life with your average girls who experience emtotions on one level always.
have fun with the ones that go to college and get nice jobs and are happy with them and the children they pop out and the default clothing of the decade."

yes. he is quite a man my husband. quite. a. man.

i have to take care of david now and watch csi, david keeps pulling his hair out and has started on his belly. he's so stressed. if it gets worse he may have to join the rest of the 5/6 of our family and go on psychiatric medications.

oh yes. and what i just did was word puke. the thing i did earlier about my dad was not word puke. it's was more...slow, and thought out. maybe like snot. only not gross, sparkly snot.


The song I cannot stop listening to

I wish I could make it so everyone who reads this can download it and listen to it
over and over.
I can't stop. It 's one of those songs, that almost make you want to cry.
It stirs up an emotional mixture of happiness and sadness
and all other things and I feel like I just might cry for lack of anything else to do

I wish I could sing. And make that feeling, and share it.

(sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson "winter song")

a blog a day keeps the blues away

Christmas shopping started and finished sans a tie today. I hate crowds and I hate shopping, this is true.
I took a long time at Borders, go figure. My dad amused himself by squealing to me about the prostitutes he thinks he sees at the in-store Starbucks. He's freaking out and making the lady next to me in the Psychology aisle giggle, yeah it's funny. I tell him to shoosh, well, I actually reach a yelling tone because he just won't stop running back and forth whispering excitedly, he then takes out his phone to take a picture. That's when I reached that yelling tone.
He finally slinks off somewhere but of course when I find him again he's still raving about how they're actually shopping in the store walking around. I told him of course, they are allowed to. I tell him he's acting like some 12 year old boy.
Finally when I'm almost done and have made my way up towards the front of the store, where those bargain paperbacks are? Oh yes. And he starts fuh-reaking out because he sees them in the checkout line and will I look over because he is not joking. I refused. I never looked their way so I have no idea if they were indeed "prostitutes" or just slutty tittas.

It was chilly the other night. 75 degrees with the low of 69. It was so nice. I wore a scarf and then later wrapped it around my head, then I took a snowy picture because I learned how to download more feature for free for photobooth.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

                                      nails that can only be explained by a miracle of sorts.

My hair is shorter. I figured, hey those gnarly blonde streaks that break off and twirl into all directions and lengths they're so dead can just be cut off.
I was hoping for shorter layers equaling big voluminous curls. It's kind of working.
I cry after every hair cut, it's just a part of life.
I'm sure I'll be giddy just as soon as I pair it with makeup.

Keep thinking. Dead hair is gone. This is good. You don't have that gnarly orangey stuff anymore.

I would like to marry a man like Nick Stokes on CSI please. Especially in the episode where he keeps believing that little girl is alive and he saves her out of the swamps with a slit neck.
I have alot of CSI on my dvr that need to be consumed via my eyeballs.

I feel like my worth to my dad is based on what I do. He keeps bringing up jobs, even though I told him over and over that I'm not going to get a job for three months and then move, plus I doubt anyone would want to hire someone like that.
But yet he bring home flyers to work in the framing shop on base, then a few days later meaning today he gives it to me again after I left it in the living room, I said I didn't want to frame things and cut glass, he said it'll teach me skills, like learning something and getting paid.
Then he said, see you'll learn a valuable skill, what skills do you have now.
I let that hang in the air and in the new manner of trying not to let him get to me and not try to uselessly defend myself I walked away and got in the shower.

I've just been depressed today, even without the hair thing. Just very slow, that happens when I'm depressed or whatever I am. I think slowly, I move slowly, I miss entire conversations when keep my head in a book all day and wonder how I could not hear things around me in retrospect.
I'm ok with it. I'm ok with my emotions and in and out sadness and feelings of hopelessness.

I've been made aware of so much these past months, it's strange. I'm aware of the things I do and am able to determine why I do them. I'm aware that I'm blatantly aware of myself and am usually at peace with it.
I finally put two and two together and told my psychiatrist that I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies, I never really wanted to think about the things I do, the tapping my elbows in threes and my feet, one foot down then the other then jump and put them together on the ground. Even when I'm driving I take my feet off the brake pedal. I never wanted to admit it because I despise it when people categorize themselves and make it a verb or way of being. Not an actual disorder.
Oh I like my books in color order because I'm soooo OCD.
Or, I get restless in class because I have ADHD or ADD.
But when I told her about the things I do, amongst other things she said I definitely did have tendencies or something.
I feel like I have to put everything or most everything down here as I think of them or I might forget. I'll write one thought or subject and then think of another and instead of saving it for another day I feel I have to get it down now in case I forget. I want to get it out.
That's why I write so much. I don't want to have this tiny revelation about my personality or views or just general thoughts and opinions and not write them down and then forget about them.
This way I'll have them. I'll be putting myself in definitive type form.
I made it known that I wanted to pursue art instead of going back to traditional college at this time. He didn't understand. I knew he wouldn't. I was still hurt, even though I knew it would be that way I was still discouraged.
Now I'm afraid to paint. I haven't yet. I don't want to prove to myself and those around me that I really can't do it.
Lillie has acne on her chin. It's ok.
I don't have a job, or school. I need to paint. 
Even though I'm afraid.

Friday, December 12, 2008

maybe it's not as easy as i thought. it's supposed to be hard, thu the sacrifice part. the persecution. we're not supposed to want to do it all the time with a smile on our faces.
it's about laying down our life every hour of every day. and accepting that we are mere mortals, stupid children who think they can achieve great things and be things that matter, we are nothing without Him though.

I thought the source of my horrible recurring stomachaches were meant for me to be forced to reflect, and that is what i came up with.
so i hope the aches and sickness stop now. please.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a feeling i've always wanted and now have had for a long enough time to believe that it is no longer fleeting therefore i can pay attention to it and be grateful without the fear that this awareness will plunge me under and i will be without it once again.
i don't think about guys, especially this week. i've been so consumed with painting and my teacher and what i have to offer and what i want to do, all of it has centered around that and it has taken up my life.
i no longer feel i just bide time until i meet my soulmate. i have a purpose that i can do for as long as i live, something that i hope will fulfill me.

i need to reconnect with my Lord as always though, every time i drift i know it but there's this force pushing me away from picking up my Bible.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

how strange that it has been so long since i have written in this.
i have seen it on my toolbar but have restrained from clicking it.
partly because i wanted to start writing on paper more.
partly becuase i felt like i have too many self expressive outlets already.
they each have their own category though.
tumblr is where i keep pictures, pictures that i may want to remember, a storage place i suppose so i don't fill my computer up with graphics.
livejournal, for the friends, the communities and for clean organized postings.
this for absolutely whatever comes out of my head. here i please only myself, so i can ramble, not capitalize, talk about stupid worthless things. whatever.
i don't think anyone really understands two big things in my life right now:

the fact that my nails are growing out, i can text and am starting to be able to type with some of my nails.
that is huge because as long as i can remeber i've ALWAYS had short nails becuase i've ALWAYS had this problem with picking at them, most people don't understand, the asian ladies at nails salons keep thinking i'm a biter even though i explain to them that i very rarely bite my nails.
i've tried for years, all sorts of things, i really thought it was one of those things i would never stop becuase i do it without thinking, i can do it with just one hand and not even realize it, it was almost out of my control.
then these past few weeks i stopped, i don't know what happened, maybe i was more busy...i don't know, then i looked and saw that they were getting longer so i painted them and that helped for under a week so i took the polish off and they were...long. for me, short for most people, i can see the whites and when i make a fist i can feel them in my palm.
i never thought i'd see the day, unless i permanantly wore gloves, or my medication changed because i think it was just part of that and/or an anxiety disorder.

the other thing is the fact that kate hudson is wearing my dress in her new movie "bride wars" i've had this dress picked out, saved on my computer for literally years. it's vera wang and it's my dream dress for all these years and i was going through an usweekly a month or so ago and there was a picture from the movie and it was so weird, seeing "my" dress on someone, i wanted to yell at everyone and tell them that my dress was in a magazine and that is so cool.
i told my mom, she didn't think it was thatcool. no one does, but i do. now i'm afraid that it will get popular though and the prices will rise rise rise and i REALLY won't be able to get it for my wedding, like i can now. as if. or that it will sell out.
regardless, my dress has made it from it's permanant spot on my mahspaze page to the bigscreen. and if anyone watches that movie you will see it, the beauty of it. it even has that green sash, down to a t.

i've been painting so much, becuase i was and am behind. yesterday from 1 to 6:30 and today from 12 to 6:30 off and on.
i asked mr. h is he thought i had talent, he said he didn't think i had raw talent but i have skills and have progressed very well over the course of the semester.
he talked about how some people are just born with a "gift" and it comes naturally but alot of times they take it for granted and let it go to waste, not use it or push themselves.
he said that the ones with the real passion for art will succeed. he said he doesn't have the "gift" he's just been doing it for so long.
this man knows so much, he's hilarious and warm and he has a neverending plethora of knowledge, he paints, draws, cooks, graphic design, sculpting, photography, you name it. i think the one thing he doesn't do is sewing and the pottery wheel. i talked to him for a long time today and he talked about how he got to where he is now, he never stopped learning. he got his master's and went into teahching them drifted off to all sorts of differnet fields, stage production etc. even now he's taking classes learning the traditional way of painting, making your own paint etc. he is constantly learning new things and he retains all of it. 
i want to take his drawing class next semester, even though i won't be able to finish it, i cna't see myself sitting back for 3 or so months when i could be leanring more from him, even though i think i like painting mroe than drawing they aren't even offering the next level of painting this semester.
i was talking to him about this, how my dad may not want to pay for the class if i'm not even finishing it, or just in general. he suggested independent study and he even said i could just come to class, not even register, that is how amazing he is. i wouldn't do that, i would feel way too bad, he's already teaching above the full time load but only getting paid part time. yet he remebers everyone's names, detials about their lives. all of it.
if my life works the way i want it to, meaning i go to some sort of art shcool or take classes, basically just do art as my main source of living, my profession like i want to he will be to credit for it. i've always enjoyed art but never took a class or anything, never excelled until this class, this teacher.
i wish everyone who likes art could meet him.
aaaaanyways. life is good, i'm almsot done with the english class, i make small talk with the teacher so that's good, i just have the final that has to be completely written in the coputer lab in two hours, an essay on an essay, we have the essay we're writing about but we can only underline tings, we can't write parts of what we're ging to write basically, it has to all be in our head.
the last time we didi this for the 2nd essay i choked. i just cannot work under a time constraint, in a room surrounded by people.
so im going to try to accept that and not freak out. to just be calm about doing badly at it and hope that my other essay make up for it.
i STILL need to tell my dad i'm not attending traditional college anymore.
and i need to figure out a way to explain to him what art school is becuase he doesn't know. plus he's one of those people who won't understand. he thinks with the opposite side of the brain that i do, i was having trouble with the stairs in my picture in class a few days ago and mr. h had to draw a whole diagram, i saw the stairs, the side of the sinding stairs and i saw what i had done and i saw that they were not matching but i could literally not see why, what exactly the problem was. like in math, my head gets to this point where i literally cannot see it. mr. h said that he encounters that probelm with people alot, alot of people in the arts and such field that he works with cannot do the  lines and math and such and he used to not understand becuase he didn't have a problem but then he figured out that alot of people just can't because it requires the other side of the brain, you know? it's how people are wired, just like some people don't understand paintings or drawings, blending and shading and all that stuff, it has to do with out brains.
and that is why i nothting of my high school math, and wy i literlally guessed on 9 out of 10 questions on the compass test for math. i can multipply, divide, add subtract and such, some fractions but other than that i really don't remeber anyting, and i don't see the point in trying to learn it for no reason becuase i will ultimatley forget it like  i have my whole life.
it's pointless, that's why i want ot go to school where i can work with the other side of my brain.
i just hope that i don't ever have to do any of the digital art stuff, on computers, graphics...stuff like that.
my neck hurts.
Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr