Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's the strangest thing, for once in so long I can't remeber i haven't had a strong desire to go on the internets these past four days.
it's probably due to the complete bliss that has surrounded said days.
thanksgiving, my favorite meal and then all four days spent with my entire family becuase my dad didn't have work, putting up the tree, hanging up ornaments, taking "family pictures" for the first time in years, we used my camera of course stacked on vhs tapes on a stool where i focused it set the timer and ran back to the couch to pose pretty.
we had antlers and santa hats too.
thanksgiving leftovers that i had the last of today, including my sweet potatoes that are technically yams because actual sweet potatoes aren't as good as yams, plus theyre an ickier color. the only thing i can really cook all by myself, the thing that i make evry year by default continuing tradition and adding the things i think will go well each year differently because i never can remeber, it's always good, at least i think so. and my family says so, and back when i was friends with kami and mark and stephen they said so but then later kami told me they were lying and nobody liked my yams.
we put together a snoopy puzzle while watching the charlie brown christmas special.
i got beckah in to taylor swift so we went through the whole next week on GAC and...the one below it..A something, country channels to record the things concerning her. today bekah's even memorizing some of her songs, it's amazing what an infulence i have on her, and also scary because i don't want to accidentally turn her off to something she loves because i voice an opinion of dislike.
we were home almost the whole four days, save the trip to the bx to find more puzzles but found there selections was beyond horrible so we settled on a 750 thomas kinkade that only my dad and i are working on becuase my sisters repeatedly declare that it is much too hard for them.
my mom got into tonight though.
been watching csi and cold case.
i'm dreading going back to school in less than 12 hours, i dread doing my essay due on friday that i have no interest in and thinking about it makes me want to run away until my first and last semester of college is over.
i have to do well though, or i'll disappoint my mom, becuase she knows i can do well if i try. like how i got a B on my last essay and that is HUGE becuase my teacher is a chinese stickler that i don't think cries and chose her husband based on a point system.
plus the grading process on them almost solely revolves around the levels of a C grade.
Some B's.
Like 2 A's.
I was beyond proud of myself, the essay i worked on in one day for hours with the motivation of getting new birkenstocks.
i need that for this last essay, well it's not the last one since we have a fifth one but that one is done in computer lab, i'm going to do horrid in that one. essay 2 in computer lab was bad, i freeze and up and can't work on a sticky keyboard surrounded by people and minutes ticking by.
plus i still need ot tell my dad i'm not going back to school.
and my mom has mentioned art school to him to which he replied "what? what is that?" and we replied "a school that is for art, teaches only art" and he "what do you do there? why do you want to go there? etc" i "becuase i like art blahblahblha"
it was funny, he was so confused as to waht an art school was and what its purpose is.
which could be understandable, what job do you get with a degree from an art school but not an actual college?
do they even give anything out?
regardless i don't care, if i did i would continue my college career.
see when i go this long i have way too much to write, all the stuff going on in my head and outside of my head.
i don't know if i'm going ot get my painting for class done in time, i was supposed to work on it the last 4 days bcuase i brought it home becasue it's taking me too long and at the rate i'm currently going in class it will not be done.
i'm so excited for when this is over and i wait out the last few months of living here without a job or school.
i will be a bum.
only not, in my mind it will be like these past 4 days have been, only minus the warm glow of the christmas tree that literally transforms the whole mood of the room and my dad will be working, my sisters schooling here.
i want to put these last four days on a loop please.

oh yeah and for the first time lillie and i took christmas pictures and they are sew kute. i made her a bow and myself a matching one out of christmas ribbon stuff and we sat on the rocking chair in front of the tree and i held her and we were cute, it was quite a feat becuase she does not like being held, for even a second, at all, she immediately goes into feral cat mode and puts her ears back and pushes off from whatever surface she can find on me with her toenails, i can't remeber the last time we got a picture together not on macbook. even on macbook she's in weasel mode.
we're going to start doing it every year i concluded, wear matching bows and take a christmas picture.
mother daughter christmas picture.
ooo we should get her gams in on the one next year! 3 generations of ladies!

i'm not joking about any of this unfortunately, i am a master at improv-ing words in well known songs to be about lillie.
it's pretty cool.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I'm hot I'm sweating I don't know why
Maybe it was the hot water on my hands

Ate so much food i got a side stitch. Apparently you get those from both consuming food and exercising it off.

Our last Thanksgiving here. Home. Next year, I have absolutely no idea what it will be like.
We'll be in Texas, that's all I know.
What will our house look like?
Will Lillie still be whiny all day pacing around wanting attention while we eat dinner?
Will she still have her box?
Will all of my family members be there? All four cats?
What does my room look like?
Will the food taste the same?
Will we be alone or at someone's house?
Will we have people over?
Will I have a boyfriend to eat dinner with?
A best friend?
Will I still be painting?
Will I be in art school?
Or have a job?
What job?
Will I like it?
What is outside like?
What are the people like?

This is the biggest unknown I've consciously been aware of, when I was younger we moved around alot but it'd differnt, wherever I went we would stay the same. The same furniture in the house, I didn't have to work, I didn't have responsibilities, my life consisted solely within our home with my family. 
But this move, I know nothing. Nothing except we are 95% moving to Texas, and we are moving in April.

It's unknown. 

When I was younger I used to think that when I was 16 I'd feel differnt, Id think of my new self, then I turned 16 and realized I had the same mind.
I then thought about myself being 17, I pictured myself tall for some reason, in my head these older versions of myself were completely different, like different people, I wanted to hold on to the way I felt right then but knew that when I was 17 or 18 I'd be different.
But I turned 18 and my mind is the same. I am the same exact person, differnt thoughts but it wasn't as if I was brainwashed and a new 18 year old Chelsea person.
I used to think about my wedding day, even now, I think about it and almost think I wish I could be there, for some reason I still don't feel like that will really be me, the same me.
Having a child? 
I feel like who I am now will get left behind as my body keeps growing and changing and life moving around it.
I feel like I'm going to get left behind.
But that's not true. Because I am almost 19.

Even now I think that, myself being 21, I think I'll be so differnt, I can't imagine myself.

So yes, I think about next Thanksgiving and I feel like that me, that me in Texas will be differnt, won't write in this, will be more efficient and the me right now will stay here in Hawaii.

It's so incredibly strange. I'm glad I finally put it somewhere, all these thoughts in my head I 've had for years on the subject.
That's what this is for, things in my head for me to look back on, and Lord willing I'm not a new version of myself I will remeber these times, these feelings.

I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I don't want one, I hate all that crap that comes with it, the waiting for him to text, reading into what he's saying and what he actually means. I hate all of that.
For some reason I feel like I desrve a man as handsome as a celebrity, with the personality of a leading man.
The highest of expectations is what I have. Not an actual celebrity but someone who is beautiful.
Someone grand, maybe that one person will be so wonderful I won't even do the games, the waiting and wondering.
I'd like to think that's how it's going to be.
I'm excited.
But I don't want that now. So please heart, don't get a crush and turn me into that girl.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I brought my painting home to work on over the weekend becasue it's taking me too long. i like it so far, it's just taking ffooorrreeeevvveeerrr longer than anyone else's in the class, so long that my amazing teacher said this can count for two projects because originally we were all supposed to copy a master painting, which i'm doing, and then do another one after but i'm not going to get around to the second one. there's just too many details.
i was feeling really odd today, my leg shook and rattled the entire time i was painting, every time it touched the ground, and i got dizzy and blurry alot.

i need to find my glasses prescription becuase i do not want to go back to the eye doctor just becuase i lost my prescription like last time. i remeber the last time i got it and was all i will not lose this i have to make sure i don't lose it, but i've lost it and really want some glasses for christmas, i already have them picked out on zenni optical.

i've realized that i don't really want that much stuff for's weird. maybe i just haven't thought it through yet.

i mailed the packages today! finally! i kept putting it off for one reason or the ohter, i think i was just confused on the whole procedure. it was fun getting them all mailed off to the nice people!

exclamation points make writing look immature and cheesy.


we're suppoed to start going through al the sseaons of "lost" tomorrow as a fmaily, we did way back when, well, over the summer my moma nd sisters and i because my dad was still gone, its was so fun, turing off all the lights every evening when i got home from work and watching it for hours all together.
now we're hoping to do the exact same thing only with my dad now too.

the taylor swift songs running through my head every waking minute have not subsided, i'm not suprised, it's not like i've stopped listening to her.
it's only natural they should haunt me.

i haven't been sleeping well recently which is weird becuase i've always been able to sleep thorugh the night without a problem, since i was like 6 months.
or since i was 9. anyways, i've never had sleeping problmes at all.

my new insult is soooo good from "freeway" 

     "look who got beat with the ugly stick!"

and i love brtitany murphy, the old one who played crazy people so well and makes me want to be an actress again so i can play roles like hers, and funny ones too.
now she's making D-list movies and is married to a creepy old fat guy with a combover.

i have bazillions of CSI's to watch.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Geez 100 posts. All in a few months time, I write too much nonsense.
Anyways, we traded my DVR box for a newer one and when you do that they give you all the channels for free for like a week. All the HBO and Starz ones, tons and tons of movie channels. I'm going bonkers trying to go through all of them and record them before the time is up. I'm saving sooo much money not using Blockbuster
I have these scheduled:
Gone in 60 Seconds (I'm a huge Jolie fan and haven't seen this one yet)
The Darjeeling Limited (Jason Schwartzman, nuf said.)
Jane Austen Book Club
Pretty in Pink (still haven't seen that and my mom's been bugging me about it)
Goya's Ghosts (Natalie Portman!)
For Your Consideration (J Kras rite?)
Fear (My mom wants to see it again)
To Die For (Nicole Kidman)
Stranger than Fiction (I fell asleep trying to only catch the Maggie parts)
Romeo and Juliet (the Leo one)

Day before yesterday my mom told me I watched too much tv, that I had to cut down on what shows I record, she said five so I quickly thought of the ones I had to keep. Turns out I have like 5 regular weekly ones, plus The Office but that's recorded in the living room. And I can watch Hillz online.
But I wanted to record all the CSI's on Spike, well all the Las Vegas ones to watch with my mom because she's getting into that show because Liev Schrieber or whatever his lst name is.
Plus I wanted to start watching the new Law and Orders because I think the bearded guy is hot.
And I like "Bones" it plays on TNT once a week. Plus I've been bored so I was recording random Cold Cases.
Pretty much everything is the same, I'll stop recording the cold cases...and Bones because I'd like to see all the seasons from the beginning but it's sooo good.
Um, that's all. As long as I stay on top of all the dishes and spend more time in the living room it should be fine.
I don't know why I like tv so much, there isn't much else to do besides read.

Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal. I always ask for it for my birthday but it always ends up falling through.

I've done good on eating better, I lost a pound since yesterday and I'm cutting out sugar soda and trying to avoid fast food.

Oh great, my dad is making cookies.
i don't feel there is anything wrong with wanting a romantic comedy love story.

watching "the wedding date" with my mom right now, it's almost 2am. it's really nice. sometimes i just really want someone to hold and kiss, not like anyone before.

I got a B on my last essay, that's friggin awesome. last time I got a middle C, the average student gets a C...I'm so proud of myself, i never wrote an essay before this class and I made a B for a paper.

"life doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet"

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I'm always hot recently. I hate being hot. I decided to start recording when i get dizzy spells or vertigo or whatever you want to call it.

Tonight Lillie was on my lap and i was on my computer and out of the corner of my eye i saw the brown teddy bear fall off the bed and thought it was her head for a second, geez it scared me.

My goals:

Learn French fluently.
Come in contact with the *greatest man in the world and marry him.
Do an artistic thing well.
Make a profit off of it, no matter how small.
Get a Lillie-dedicated tattoo.
Get to the point where I truly don't care about what anyone thinks of my outfits.
Learn to play the guitar.
See Coldplay live with my mom.
Get published.
Adopt a teacup chihuahua.
And a Paul Anka dog.
Travel the USA from a car taking thousands of photographs.
Have a baby.
Travel abroad.
Feel truly beautiful, not always less than.
Grow my nails out a tad.
Read too many books.
Inspire people around me.
Adopt a child.
Have my own large collection of books I never get rid of. My library.
Try not to let my shyness not come off as snobbery so much.
Get married in my Vera Wang gown. (yeahrite)
Be loving and kind to everyone around me.
Be myself.
Stop having demons of my past haunt me every day.
Be truly and completely adored by a man, my husband.
Be pursued by him. A leader.
Be comfortable singing in front of people.
Meet kindred spirited girls.
Get my ears pierced and not have the phobia.
To not desire soda.
See bazillions of Independent films.
Help an endangered species.
Put my huge heart to use by volunteering at an animal shelter.
Write a book.
Be someone's muse.
Stop loving Jim Halpert/John Krasinski so much. Unless we get hitched, then it's ok.
Have a best friend. A grand one.
Become solid in my faith and relationship with the Lord.
Put my "special" alternate voice to use.

And many more that will hit me in the hours and days to come and I will wish I put on here.

*Meaning being the man of my wildest dreams. Someone who is completely handsome and confident, humble and funny, smart and Godly, non-judgemental and full of love and facial hair. My list is longer and is open to many tweaks along the way but it's hard to describe a feeling in my heart when I think about this blurry person.

eek my head's reallly dizzy, it's hard being on the computer. i just leanred that my final exam is on december 17, i thought it would be way earlier! dang....i'm so done with this class.
i have to write a first draft before tomorrow morning for this essay on whether or not we should medicate children for depression...

but lillie's sleeping on my bed and i really just want to get in bed with her and watch the CSI's that I recorded...

i decided to try and eat better. and since i haven't really been going to the gym (phase over maybe i no rite) i mainly laze around the house.
i keep gaining weight and i keep watching what i eat, the portions and shiz but it keeps slowly raising. it makes me sooo mad. this all started in the summer when my mom and i would eat alot at night and it's just increased and i'm eatin wayyyy less.
doesn't make sense.
i'm not fat, but i feel really fat. like my mom is all "you looks so much better, you were wayyy too skinny before" but all i think when she says that is i want to go back to that plz.
sure my boobs have increased, and my hips, i'm all scarjo'd up but i still feel fat. none of my jeans fit my new womanly hips.
so yeah. eating better, and doing "yoga" meaning inventing it on my own since i don't want to pay for anything.
jsut laying about on the floor stretching myself in awkward silent positions.

it'll be good, to eat better...and it'll make me feel better for lazing so much. i'm just so tired all the time, physically and mentally.
eating crap and laying in bed = the super overweight people on TLC

Friday, November 21, 2008

i'm kind of obsessed with long hair parted in the middle.
darn bangs.
it doesn't seem possible to have so many phone numbers. we only have 10 different single numbers, yet there are millions of different variations, none of them the same?
even with area doesn't make total sense to me.
kind of like how i still marvel at how airplanes stay in the air, that doesn't make sense either, i know i know it's a gas fire blablah thing but still.....a huge metal craft containing 100 or so people? plus luggage and tons of other crap?
just chilling in the air?

i came across this idea a few months ago, a fleeting idea but i want to write it down in case i forget when i have the opportunity meaning the space and such.
i think coffee circle are wonderful, you know when your coffee cup leaves and brown circle on paper? it looks almost like unintentional water colors. i want to incorporate those circles somehow for a picture.

my belief on my personal painting is i won't usually paint realistic-just-like-real-life paintings, that's what CAMERAS are for.
drawings maybe too, that's kind of different though...i don't know how to explain it. or even if it begs an explanantion.

i'm going to eng. class soon. only that though, its only an hour.
i'm excited to actually start painting on my own though. i haven't even done that yet. new house will have room. for oils.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

i keep this to blurt out all my words, unedited and mostly useless but if one day i write a book, maybe some day i'll write about my life. or want to remember things, i can go through these scribbles of nonsense and dig out any of the true and lasting explanatory things and edit them correctly.
it's like when you're making cupcakes and you pour a whole bunch of sprinkles on the frosted cake then you turn it upside down to let the excess sprinkles fall off leavinig you with some still stuck on.
anyways. some day i want to dye my hair a real color. i've wanted to for a year or so but never seriously considered it because my hair is so dark and thick it would probably ruin it.
but someday i want to. 
life is short. shorter now. shorter than ever.

i need to stop listening to taylor swift, i constantly have her songs swilring in my head, it's ridiculous and it's getting annoying because i don't always want to listen to her...
i whipped up 4 things today in ceramics because today is the last day on the wheel. so i made 3 lidded things each with a diff. lid and a teapot.
i hate this friggin class.

have i mentioned that i'm wickedly excited about moving and haveing a bigger room to set up an easel and my paints and such?
i can see it, sunlight streaming to paint the walls. i've never painted walls my whole life because i've always lived in military housing.

i need to shower. i should work on my eng. essay but i don't want to so i'm not. i really dislike college, i'm so glad i'm almost done.
that sounds like i've suffered 4 long years. heckno it's not even been a full semester...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

oh and i finished "Cherry" and now want to get her other book "the liars club" and anyting else she's written... i also want to look her up online sometimes.
i'm going ot start "shopgirl" i remeber liking that movie, it being real and containg some sort of mental illness. i didn't know it was based on the book written by steve martin himself.

the tips of my fingers still hurt from today. i'm having a really hard time typing too for some reason. typo extravaganza.

oh and i friggin love taylor swift and her new album, i've already memorized most of the 1st and 3rd song.
i didn't get home from school until 6pm, i left the house at 1030 am. i only have two classes too, mannn. but i stayed late by choice, i kept painting after everyone in class left working on the clouds and make my fingers sore from the rag and turpentine rubbing and scratching, then looked after an hour or so and realized the sky was shades of brown so now i have to go over it lightly with sky grey colors.
my mom thinks i'm really talented by what i show her from my cellphone all tiny picture like. there are people more talented than me in my class. its not fair.
my mom briefly mentioned art school to my dad and he was all, why? why do you go to art school? what's it for?
he doesn't "get" me. doesn't get that i want to learn to do art well, even if i can't make a career of it. ideally i'd like to exceed in one medium at least and then make money off of selling it, not alot of money at all. just a little bit, it warms my heart to extremes and seems unreal to have someone want to purchase something that IVE created to hang up in their own home with no knowledge of me or who i am, solely based on something i alone have created...unreal.
ideally my husband will support me, i'll do art and sell it but not make too much money, i ahve low expectations in the money area. heck, i don't know if i'll make a dime off of anything i make.
and if i'm not married and not selling anything again, ill just get a small job i enjoy on the side.

english homework bites.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm waiting on my mom to get out of the bathroom to decide what to do. she cut her hair bad and i was mean about it, sometimes i think she wants me to be honest so i be brutally honest and then make her sad. then my dad was an arse about her hair and saying she was vain because she keeps cutting it. i said no, that's not true and to just leave and stop talking.

the mock trial thing was today. it was basically like a new therapist that knows nothing about my mental history so i got to tell her everthing. is it strange that i enjoy telling strangers about the traumatic events in my life? to enjoy waiting for a reaction, to see if it's worse than they expected or not as bad?

"cherry" is so friggin good, this author blows my mind. she's also a poet so the way she writes is someitmes like poetry. it's made me want to try out poetry, i've always thought it was boring. i'm a fast reader but with poems you have to slow down and focus on each words because poems are short, stories are long. so much more is packed in a short poem than in an excerpt from a book.
today at the mock trial iw as trying ot describe the people that aren't like me, the majority of or population. at my school, almost anywhere. i couldn't put it intot words and the words i did came out harsher than i intedned them to and didn't even accurately convey what i was trying to say. i said they were dumb? but tha's not it. tonight in "cherry" there was a part that summed it up, i wish i had known that beofre. it explains at least part of what i was trying to convey. i still dn't think i can explain fully in words....
no, the way mary karr did, or better yet her friend int he book since it's a memoir did it well.

i have homework for english but i haven't done it, nor do i inted to. i started this class ont ime and all but ive gotten more and more lenient about assinments. even though i don't want to keep pursuing college i don't want to fail thse few classes.
i just don't want to do the work either. i don't ahve a passion for writing essays about unsoulful things, not stories not feeling just facts and citings.
i feel like anyting i don't have  a passion for does no deserve to be done, or given my full attention.
i have a passion for tv watching?
there must be an underlying reason for my love of watching crime dramas in bed all day with lillie.

Monday, November 17, 2008

i dislike people who think their name is a brand.
or that add a punky adjective or noun to the end of it and THEN think it's a brand.

i have merca, just kidding i don't. that just popped into my head, just like that, that little sentece and since no one reads this i'm allowed to be really strange and say things that make no sense and htat i don't think about before writing
one time at a stoplight a month or so ago i didn't have my glasses on and up ahead i saw a guy walking and i saw he had a beard and i thought he was hot but then he got closer and i saw that he was an old homeless guy.

not cool.

i'm really protective of my food. i get really anxious and worry my sisters are going to eat it all or that i won't have enough. i like to get as much as i can even if i don't eat it all i like having it there. and i like saving some if it's possible.
i'm just really possessive of my food and i don't know why.

right now i'm reading "cherry" by mary karr. she's a really good writer, a poet. it's a memoir.

then i'm going to read "shopgirl" i think and i have 4 virginia woolf books and 2 more i got from savers...and the leslie ludy one.
i think i'm getting back on track with my relationship with the lord.

i like thinking about my husband when i'm at places. mmm like today at the cafeteria there were so many people talking and looking crude, one tall, large local guy behind me in line kept getting really close and making me tre uncomfortable and i started thinking about how nice it owuld be if my husband was here. i pictured him, tall, but not gangly, not fat. lightish hair, a beard...i think he had a plaid shirt on and was smiling. i wanted him to be there but i was so happy just thinking about the day he will be.
i hear about people geting married to their loves and saying things like "he wasn't what i had in mind or pictured but blablahblha" i don't want that to happen though, i like what i have in mind, it's kinda flexible.
i want him to be strong and driven and secure and humble and funny. i don't want him to joke all the time though. i don't want him to be insecure, im so sick of that, of hearing guys talk to me about how lame they are or dumb or shy or how they'll never get married. no, not someone like that at all.
someone who will be stronger than me in the lord, that will encourage my walk in a way that won't make me feel judged, i don't know how that will happen though.
there is no one in my life that could be this guy, no one. ok maybe that nice girl in my art class who's dad is a preacher and who's brother goes to school too and has abeard... but i odn't really know what he looks lke, only that he has a beard which is plus points for me.
anyways, yeah. i'm so happy for my heart righ tnow, for not having a crush to stress me out and be stupid over.
i hope htis lasts, i hate having feelings for guys but i can't control it. i'll just pray to keep this lack of sentiments on the downpour of my life. ?
speaking of i love the rain. so much, espeically at night and especially in the day time when i can be lazy.
what is better than laying in bed all day with rain pouring down outside with coffee and kitties and the tv?
i don't know if that's entirely simplistic of my or entirely slothly.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I told my mom about college. I wish I was talented, I wish I could paint or draw well. I wish I had inspiration and passion and mad gifted skills.
Sundays are Lillie's sleep in days.
she stays in bed for hours late into the afternoon, sometimes stretching until evening without getting up or getting up briefly and going right back to bed.
I don't think anyone besides my mom understands how much I love her. I literally cannot imagine my life without her.

I need to talk to my mom about college soon, about me not going back, of not doing anymore after this semester.
But right now i'm going to do homeworks.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

i think i should learn how to write poetry.

aaand hawaii's thrifting is WAY too expensive, from what i've heard of other people's thrifting finds it's ridiculous here...
here's the sitch. college is good, but i really don't enjoy it. i could struggle through it if i was wanting a career that is only attainable with a degree but i don't, so why waste my parents money? i know it's not a complete waste but if i'm not planning on making a career out of it i could save my parents from getting into even more debt.
i honestly don't enjoy college and the only reason i would keep doing it was just to have it under my belt.
but that's alot of money, and alot of time. and alot of miserable for me.
i reaaallly need to go to savers and get some dresses and skirts to go with my birkenstocks.

so i was going to try to go through c.s. lewis's books. i started "the screwtape letters" and i really want to get into it but it's just...boring. nothing happens, they're just metaphorical letters from i'm guessing satan.
i'm not an idiot, i just don't enjoy that particular book and am not going to keep on reading it just to appear intelligent to my mom or anything esle.
sure i'd like to say i've read all of c. s. lewis's books, that'd be a nice thing to have under my belt but not right now, or at least not that particular one right now.
i just found a pile of books i got from savers a while back that i still haven't read, in addition to the ones i had before that i ahve not read. i pretty much have my own little private personal library.
i have 3 virginia woolf ones.
ummm i really really love "lipstick jungle" and especially victory ford, and espeically because we have the same body type and i enjoy that because someitmes i feel too curvy and fat when that really really is not true at all.

my arm hurts. stupid hpv shot.

Friday, November 14, 2008

i need to stop freaking out every time i get shot.
only she said it'll be 10 years until i have to get any more, so maybe i'll be brave by then.
my mom said i'd have a husband and a baby by then.

will i?
i will not marry anyone less than great. i've always had second thoughts with all my boyfs, wondering if there's someone else. cuter, nicer, braver, taller, smarter.

i won't wonder about those things with him. he will be ridiculoulsy handsome to me and kind and intelligent and hilarious and tall and manly and we will share clothing and create things together and apart.
i got a new phone, paid 60$ for simple one, not flip or slide or whatever, it's so confusing, once you go sk you can't go back i guess.
i was trying ot find my pictures but the only pictures i have are the ones alex sent me a lonnngnggg time ago. alot of the ones he sent to me when i had my old old sk and couldn't receive picture messages so i had to look at them online. those are the only picitres i have, just ones from him.
it's weird.
i dn't know how to do almost anything on it.
oh and my birkenstocks just got in! am wearing them now of ocurse.
we're going to go get the last of our shots now, the first set was when i fainted. i hate getting shots. it freaks me out.


psych appt. today but i didn't know how to get to the hospital coming from the opposite direction, from my school not my house. my dad kept trying to explain it, i just wanted to stick to a way i could see in my head, that would take longer but i that way i knew exactly how to get there, i've since realized i'm a visual learner, if i can't see it in my head i don't know what you're talking about i won't be able to figure it out. i got to school and then two girls in my class kept trying to explain the way my dad tried to, over and over i just could not grasp it. i couldn't see it in my head. i felt so dumb but what's new, i lack common sense. i decided to go the way i knew until the last second i made a split decision and turned on an exit i thought they were taking about, i didn't merge correctly because i wasn't thinking and ended up on H3, the highway that's one of the few on the island that has a speed limit of 60 mph. it goes through the mountains with no exits for a long while, i kept trying to get off but i couldn't, i felt so trapped going that fast surrounded only by mountians towering above me, it reminded me of when i used to drive to see d becuase he loved at kbay. all i could do was drive forward. i started crying and called my mom, it was so horrible. feeling trapped in that state where i felt close to him, to what i used to be. it didn't help that it was grey and gloomy outside. nope, not at all. i came up where there's one of the prettiest views, you're up way high with mountains around and it opens up below and you can see cities and the edges of the island then the ocean, it's beautiful. i was stupid and decided to try and take pictures with my phone solely for livejournal while driving, i was snapping away and looked at the road and saw myslef swerving to the car next to me, i jerked the wheel the other way but then almost ran into the concrete median, again i jerked the wheel back the other way causing my car to goout of control swerving back and forth extremely fast until i got control of it. i was so shooken up, i was so close to smashing right into it, on the other side was the two lanes going the opposite direction and then the drop aka great view. i'm probably a pansy but i really don't even like thinking about it. i saw myself crashing and if i would have, it would have been bad, i was just so close to it, so incredibly close. of course my heart was beating out of control and i was breaking out in sweats. i still was trying to get off that darn highway though. i ended up in some town in kaneohe, i started crying hysterically again, getting lost in hawaii is entirely not fun but maybe it's that way everywhere. i eventually found my way back. needless to say my day was full. just that hour. i can't wait to get to texas. and heck yes i'm uploading those photos, they may be cruddy but i don't care, they are worth posting. oh and you can even see the thing that almost took my life on the left off all of them. the last one is a milli-second before the incident. and oh yeah i listened to taylor swift's new album all day long and i'm only mildy ashamed of that fact.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

thinking about today, looking at the picture taken directly before almost crashing makes me creak out in sweats all over, not just under my armpits but from my scalp down to my knees.

yes my knees break out in sweats, they also get cold before my legs do. swut?
my wellbutrin is being increased from 100 a day to 100 twice a day for a week then 150 twice a day.
she asked me if i had a passion for anything, i said i didn't know.
do i?
i suppose i havea  quiet passion, i later reconsidered and told her i did have passion.
she tried to describe me, struggling for words...she said i was the most...passionate/alive/enthusiastic something, more than my any of my sisters. she said they were more analytical.
there's this thing where the hospital trains new psychiatrists by having sitting in a room with one of them and a patient and monitor how they interact, she asked me if i'd be willing to be that patient, i agreed. i've seen some sort of psychiatrist or psychologist since i was around 7. i've been thorugh so many doctors, so many couches (not lying down mind you, it's not that cheesy) and offices, different faces, the same questions over and over. i've gone through phases where i just sit and stare silently to where i enthusiastically ask them questions about themselves, the latter has happened more recently with dr m.

i think that being a nerd is the best thing to be.
i want to be one. i want to excel in it.

i'm going to go eat a cupcake and drink coffee and get in bed.
paradise? heck yes.

i'm going to do a "mock oral" with my psychiatrist next tuesday. wellbutrin is increased.

my eyes burn. i want my hair shorter. define eyebrows, enhance them. joe jonas is now dating camille belle, i like taylor swift GUILTY PLEASURE she is. 

bye bye,

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

quiet happy job, small money but pleasurable and fulfilling. no killing of my soul.
the rest of the time spent with family.

i always miss them the most when i'm about to go to school, maybe i'm selfish for that.
but i'm leaving in 30 minutes and must get in the shower, yet what i really want to do is stop being a grown up and go sit with my sisters and talk about nerdy things we have in common. heck, right now i'd even watch star trek with them with delight.
and make some coffee for when mom wakes up. that is what i enjoy in life.
but no.

i hate being a grown up.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

all of my whining about how college degrees are useless and how i just want to be creative and blah blah blah.
that's all crap.
i'm just a lazy fool who wants to lay in bed all day with her mommy.
seriously. i'm pretty much regressing and i don't know why?
i'm good t making excuses, rationalizing it and making even myself feel good about it but the truth is
i'm 18, not working, barely doing college and laying in bed all the time.

i'm so tired all the time, both physically and mentally. just so tired and unmotivated. it's ridiculous.
i wish i had some illness to make all of this make sense. make my wanting to cling to my mom all the time make sense.
but i can't. all i can see is laziness, perhaps it's some mental thing, some by product of my screwed up mind.

maybe i'm depressed in my own way. i'm just so unmotivated it's more than that. it's more.
getting a degree does not necessarily make you wiser.
it's only the physical representation.
what physical representation do we have for the lessons we learn in life?
the things we pick up by pain? by abandonment? by seeing the ugly and the underbellies of life. do we get a degree in that?
do we have a piece of paper representing our struggles, our insight?

all we have is what we have. and what we can make of it. what we can grow from it.

i'd rather have no degree but understand life on some level, people, pain, suffering, joy. i'd rather have all of that than have a degree and not have that. 
a degree is a piece of paper that helps you get a job OR proves to people that you have some proven level of knowlege is it not?

i probably won't want that kind of job, it would require too much conformation. perhaps that would be good for me, motivation, proper attire and words, goals.
but no.

oh whatever. i have homework. here's to the first and possibly last semester of college.
i thought about sending that message back to d for 2 days, the message containing only the definitions of waste and waist.
i thought about it for two days to make sure i was sure, 
i regretted it immediately after sending it.

note to self, just becuase you think about it for 2 days to make sure you're sure does not mean you're sure.

i just hope he writes back so i can really ognore him. please dear Lord make him write backkkk.

i feel really sick today. i keep getting shooting pains in my stomach, so painful that i freeze and stiffen up, they're so horrid.
and i'm so dizzy but that may just be because i've been blowing my nose alot and making my head sick.

i just want to crawl into bed and watch the first 2 seasons of one tree hill, but i can't becuase i don't have seaosn 3, 4, 5 and such and it's still airing.
maybe dawson's creek?
i'm starting to think that i don't want to fall in love.
what!? that's always been all I wanted, all.
but everytime i see someone talk about their love, or i see a lovey dovey graphic on tumblr...i think to myself, that it's weak.
i feel like i've experienced love, i've loved boys and though there were good times there was also torture, i always turned into a wreck. the constant waiting for a text message, wondering how they feel. all. the. time.
so much energy and emotion put into something. it's absolutely miserable. and then at the end it's even worse.
i don't like who i am in relationships. i don't like the mind games, the wondering if they're going to hold your hand. all of it. it makes me sick.
it's a waste, ultimately.

i don't know what's happened. maybe someday i'll meet someone who will defy what i believe. a true prince.
but even if that happens, i hope i keep this mindset. this cynical one, i hope it stays with me and protects me. prevents me from becoming that girl i was who i never want to be again.
i still want a truly amazing guy, i do. but i can't imagine him, i can't imagine someone that meets my expectations, someone unlike anyone i've ever met. 
the images i have are fabrications, characters from movies and tv shows all wrapped up into a blurry state.
i'm jaded. and i like it that way.

Monday, November 10, 2008

love to love and love and love.

i skipped painting cls today, cramps. oh so horrid were they.
am now on couch in living room with dad, watching tmz, he loooves tmz. dude with the long blonde hair has that shirt i got from gdwill and lost.

is texas the land of my opportunities? or just disappointments. all the hopes i have for it, false hope, little castles of cards i build up here on this island.
sometimes i just don't have things to say. recently i don't like talking to people, outside my family. it's strange, not even online. back and forth stuff stresses me out.

sometimes i watch movies, or tv shows, and see characters and think how much i love them and wonder why the ohter character doens't. and i want him in my life, that character.
like luke wilson in "the royal tenenbaums" i think, aw i want him but then i think wait maybe i already have him? is alex my richy tenenbaum? i mark people in my life as characters but i don't like them the same way i like the actual characters. i think, margot why don't you love richie? but is it the same reason i don't love alex? is it the same?
i'd like to think not, i'd like to think that no one in my life is one of those characters i adore, i like my dreams, my unrealistic expectations.
it doesn't matter if i don't make sense.

i want to make clothes every time i watch gossip girl.
i'm going ot watch my face and get in bed and watch gossip girl and want to make clothes.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

i'm so irritable right now. and shaky like i'm hungry...but i just ate. but i could still have low blood sugar.
i think i'm overwhelmed.
i have this mess of crap on my bed of dane stuff and i just want to get rid of it but i think it would be better to give it to someone who would like it.

my bed is a mess, the sheets keep coming off. i need to shower really bad. i have dishes. homework.
i just want to shower and get in bed and feel better, this tight string inside of me to loosen and watch the royal tenenbaums.
i can't believe blogger counts when you look at your own profile as a profile view.
i mean really.
o rly?

i'm so tired. i barely wear makeup anymore in order to boost clear skin, and because i'm lazy. but not wearing makeup makes me want to wear makeup to cover my less than perfect skin but that would just cause it more imperfection. or so i think. i don't really enjoy it all that much recently.

a little while ago i came to the realization that not everyone blows their nose every day. i think i will always struggle with allergies.

hi tiffany.

i feel like i'm drifting away from the lord, it's such a roller coaster. or once i explained it in a way i liked it alot, here i think in a previous entry, being a christian is like having a small flame inside of you, sometimes it's strong and bright, sometimes it's small, just a flicker, it's our desire to always keep it strong and vivid but we always fail for some reason or another, laziness, social pressure, being busy, regardless, it happens.
but it never goes out, it never dies completely, it is always there, in the darkest of times it may be barely visible but it's there.

i finished the book i was reading "a walk with jane austen" or something, even though i haven't read any of her books, i've wanted to and i've seen the movies, i so reccomend the book. the author was so real and honest about her faith and struggles and i underlined so much of the book, her opinions on guys and "typical Christian guys" who are boring or overly religious was so refreshing, i love love LOVE reading things are watching a movie even where something is said in a way that i relate too, something i can't articulate as well, another kindred spirite who feels the same way i do in a certain area. it's marvelous.

i so want to find a kindred spirit to travel the US, it's my goal, to drive around america taking photographs. like in those books in Borders, the ones on the clearance rack of the photographs taken around america.
i want to do that, only much more than one book. so many pictures of our country, it's so huge, and then europe too! to drink wine in the streets like that ladyhawke song that sparked that desire.
"all of the kids drinking wine on the sidewalks" [in paris.]

and i want to learn to speak french, and spanish, i never wanted to learn spanish until i saw "vicky christina barcelona"

but these are all just thoughts and wishes, things my nature would never do. the 18 years of my life and the way that it's been led do not lead up to those things.
i have not taken action.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

my boobs are freaking huge. FREAKING HUGE for my frame. i mean, i know i gained 10ish pounds over the summer and i know it all went to my lady curves ie. my hips and boobs but man, i think they grew even more this past week for no reason becuase my weight didn't change.
a C cup fits, but i have cleavage, the D cup fits and covers them up good. At the Gap we had the lady worker come in to see if the C was alright becuase the D cup made me feel like i was covering them up out of shame, like Isis covering up her peen on America's Next Top Model only I'm not shamed of my boobz.
Anywyas she concluded that the C fit fine, whatever I was comfortable with, her name was Chelsea too. She had me put my head down, like bend at the waist and shake myself so my lady lumps would fall into the bra, and fill it out more when i stood up.
I blushed, I could see myself in the mirror, i've never had someone "size" me before, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Enough talk about my melons.
I'm pooped.
I'm only 5'1 and 3/4 and weight about 115. I should not have such bodacious ta tas.

Friday, November 7, 2008

One time I went to a goodwill far far away and found a book of short stories with a lovely cover containing a lake and trees perhaps. I also found a glorious mens' shirt, long sleeved with differnt colored squares all over, a button up.
Then I left them at Simonne's house and they got lost.

I still think about those two things sometimes, the book I never got to read, the shirt I never got to wear.

I need to be social tomorrow, I'll go out with my mommy on a date to buy some fancy Birkenstocks because that is how I roll.
Then maybe we will buy some medium for my oil paints so I can paint my own crap in between classes...
Homework before Monday.
And I said I'd probably hang out with Simonne. That is my social obligation. I'm a fool.

It's pretty much a fact that there are always hot hot hot guys at Savers. It's strange I know, but it's something I believe. Then when my family went without me recently (ahasdh!!!!) my sister came home and told be she saw a handsome man with dark hair, facial hair and dark blue eyes. Apparently he also had a lip ring (eh, im starting to like piercings on guys less and less) and maybe a tattoo?
I forget. Regardless, it proves my point. Deep in the trenches of...Waipahu or something, where there are many scary local people and Samoans that hate white people. Where the parking spots are always tight and the ground is full of trash, where there is a Popeyes that was actually that chicken fast food restaurant place that Hurley worked at in "Lost" (cuz Lost is filmed herez), here is where the Savers of hot guys is. Just down the road from a prison, with homeless peoples never lacking.

My mom and I watched a movie called "Karla" tonight, we ordered it from the on demand thing on my dvr. Laura Prepon was on it, it was apparently about two big serial killers in Canada, the "Barbie and Ken." It was good, we both enjoy disturbing, dramatic, psychological movies like that, and ones with serial killers and such. This was on the more disturbing side, even for me. They were both mentally inept.
The wellbutrin is supposed to curb my appetite, I think it is and that's good. I've gained weight but my mom insists I was too too skinny before.
My boobs are freaking huge, I kid you not. They are gi-normous.
I was reading over the older entries on here. I think I like this journal best, I think it's the truest. Most honest, I really not writing for anyone but myself because no one reads this or knows about it unless they saved the link after I deleted which case they deserve to be reading it for that small bit of effort.
I thought I wanted friends. But when given the opportunity to engage in a mellow "hang out" with one of my very very few friends I declined.
For what? To stay in bed. Maybe I just don't have the right people, friends that delight me enough to pull me away from my house.
It's just not fun for me, trying to act normal and awake, making small talk and remebering to ask all the nice questions.
I grow more and more socially anxious by the week but I'm going to lose a friendsip if I don't put any effort in.
I don't think I'm depressed, I'm actually quite happy in my own way.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Lena had herself a night. She decided to gather up the fixings of a perfect night and set them into motion, like spinning a top and letting it go.
She needed the ingredients first. The cheapest wine she could find, but something that looked french. Next a trip to the video store to finally rent all those movies she's been eyeing, the ones she passes by every time because she knows that the people she watches movies with would criticize her first choices.
Her third stop is to the tiny Korean restaurant down the street from her flat, the food isn't earth shattering but the company makes up for it. Every time she drops in one of the elderly workers squints at her and asks "How are you doing young lady?" this is something she doesn't get asked very often, maybe it's her hair or her clothes. Maybe it's the way she's always looking down to avoid the sunlight in her face. She knows her shyness must come across as arrogance and perhaps sometimes it really is arrogance, she is continually suprised every day at the absurdity of the people around her. Lives consisting of almost DUI's and whining about attitudes, sometimes it's all she can do not to scream at girls in her art class. This must come across as something negative, stewing beneath her downturned face while she writes or reads. She's diconnected from the world yet she is aware of everything.
She thinks about this as Joe, her favorite, shuffles in the back, never letting his leather clog-clad feet rise from the ground very far, he almost ice skates everywhere he walks, shuffle, shuffle shuffle, every few minutes looking up at her to grin and mutter something under his breath.  She thinks about what really matters and how she must be one of those ridiculous people she so despises in her own way. The importance of self expression in her life? Why does she judge those who don't value things like that in the same way? Perhaps we're all full of these secret judgements, in our own mind what we deem as most important is but who's to say it isn't?
Joe brings her food back out, she tips him generously as usual as he gives her two fortune cookies and a little joke he saw on late night tv and she scurries out the door that rings a small but deep sounding bell as she exits into the cold evening.
She climbs her stairs, skipping two steps at a time and managing not to trip for once, sidesteps a puddle tracked in from the almost snow outside and swings her door open to a room full of cats. Well, only 3 cats. She quickly scribbles down her recent musings for no reason in particular and settles down, kicking off her boots and grabbing a mug she made in her old pottery class.
This is her perfect night. A night to cover in quilts and warm cat balls in the crooks of her knees and elbows. She looks over to the spot next to her on the sofa, a spot not entirely empty with a large cat occupying it but still, someone could be sitting there.
Tonight though, Lena doesn't mind a bit that no one is next to her.
Working really hard on an essay is an amazing feeling,

once you're already done.
i hate trying to figure out what tp put in what journal. what to share and keep to myself. i tried to keep this journal emptier, more organized like so many journals i see but i want to be able to write. i don't have anywhere to write on the computer. my tumblr is reserved to pictures and such. i'm suffering from vertigo again today. my entire family has a cold and i haven't gotten it yet, yet i want to. i'm going off the deep end in english, being homeschooled all my life and not doing most of that work in high school then taking this class is overwhelming. i have the final draft of an essay due tomorrow morning about a stupid nars blush. stupid. i like being visibly sick, it helps me show what i feel like inside almost every day. i lack motivation. i can't wait to have a bigger room and set up a place to paint and learn to sew. maybe i'll do that and sell stuff on etsy and not have to get a job. right now there is no room. i don't think college is for me, i want it to be but it makes me miserable. except for my painting class, my teacher is beyond any other teacher. he's hilarious and quirky and smart and amazing. i wish i could take classes from him forever. i adore not having a boy in my life. whenever i get close my mind goes wild, stressing about eveything and i can't control liking a guy so i love not liking one. i'm so much more content. guys only cause me stress and heartache, that's all they've ever done. i dont' want to like one for a while. i hope my heart remembers that. i think my favorte foods are pigs in the blanket (with the doughy middle of biscuit) and donuts. and soda. today i got into ingrid michaelson. yesterday i learned: gustav klimt used actual gold in his paintings. dorothea tanning is one of my favorite artists. cold sores stay in your system forever. my dad has one currently and has suffered from them ever since he caught one from my late older sister years and years ago. they stay in your system and randomly flare up your whole like. trippy yes? i think that's all i learned yesterday...

from my lj now such things will be written herez.
i enjoy being single so so so much. i don't want my hear to fall for another guy for a long time. it always stresses me out and ultimately leads in destruction, who wants that?
please heart, don't crush on ANYONE, i like being by myself, letting myself occupy my thoughts.
i need somewhere to write. i feel like if i write in other places i annoy the readers that read it. too many posts about nonsense so this is what this will be. for no one but myself. for real.
i need to get back to my essay about blush, working hard on it and finihsing it equals new birkenstocks.

i'm going to start making things someday, clothes, paintings, pictures, something. then selling them on etsy or something. that is hwo i will make my moneys.
Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr