Sunday, April 19, 2009

Most of my dreams are feelings. There are actions, sequences etc. but the lasting effect is the feeling I get from them. And it makes me so upset sometimes that I can't explain the feeling, recounting the dream, what happened in it does nothing.

I think I was getting married, out of this world plans. I don't think I knew the guy very well, he was getting me all this stuff though. Setting up just outrageously gorgeous bedding ideas and I could see in, different rooms considered, like an upscale hotel of some sorts with crazy whimsical rooms.
I remember he wasn't very handsome, I remember a friend coming with her husband, a husband I always thought she could do better with and I told her about this guy and how I always thought I would marry someone completely different.
He was blonde, I remember that.
I'm sure he was handsome, just not the way that I pictured.
But I just remember these big huge plans that were all for me, he was catering to me and it wasn't creepy and I wasn't all worried about marriage or him or techinical things at all. None of it crossed my mind, it was like I was just floating around happy. Then something happened and we had to reschedule. I remember being upset ad hurt.

But the feeling I got from the dream is good, I know that. I can't imagine any of this hapening in real life, I won't be able to just float around as this stranger plans these things and part of me is sad that this dream can never come true.
I have to come back downt to earth and look at all the real things, the trust, money, being certain, blahblahblah.

But I like the feeling. Even if I can't really put it into words, I'm hoping that by jotting down what I do remeber the feeling will be remembered when reading this, even if it makes no sense.

It was a good dream though.

Why are my dreams so outrageous and complicated? They are way more captivating than anything I do in real life. It's life the great life that I can have as a person, the exciting and dreamy is only played out in my dreams....Some people get it in their days, I just get it at night.
I'm not really serious.
About the dream I am. GOOD DREAM.

Friday, April 17, 2009


5 chairs, we need 5 chairs. Our family is a family of 5. We no longer fill up every seat in the van. We are uneven.


I can't imagine a man I would like and trust enough to want to marry. Someone beautiful enough. Someone who loves the Lord, truly. Someone who doesn't think I'm ridiculous when I cry. Or when I want to stop and pet the homeless animals and give them food. Or when I'm just really tired and don't know why.

Sleeping on the floor with one large quilt next to a window when it is snowing makes a very cold night. And when your cat wakes you up crying multiple times, it makes for less sleep.
It's ok though.

When I read Bible verses online there is a strong force that pushes me to scroll past them for whatever reason. I try to fight it.


...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
What he starts he finishes. He doesn't get the ball rolling and then go off and do something else, he is there every step of the way

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless untl the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God.
Insight, clarity in life. To know in your heart his will in what is right and good so that you remain as blameless as a fleshly human can until you meet Christ in Heaven, he will fill you with the righteousness that comes through him. you cannot do it alone. He supplies it, you use it. Practice it.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Nothing we do should be for us alone. If we serve others before ourselves, and they in turn do the same, we are both being served to the greatest advantage anyways. We aren't to have a high self esteem, we aren't to have a low self esteem, we are to have no esteem.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Whenever I hear his accent I form a whole new crush. Every time! 
Even though I know he has an accent when I hear it again I melt!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

                                                                                             Last day in Hawaii.

So cool.

Even if it takes up way too much room, and I know it will I'm really counting on being allowed to have one of our couches in my room.
I really just want a big enough room, please. I can already see it: Against a wall, the left one when you walk into the room in front of the window that gushes sunlight. The bed is facing out and right next to it the couch fits.
Only I dont know if that would even fit, even if there wasn't a closet on that wall. So basically there is no way that vision will work out.

But I've always wanted a couch in my room, even when we were in Florida before we got the current set of couches I wanted to keep the old one to put in my room. I think that there is someting so nice about that, put a bookshelf next to it....a pseudo coffee table perhaps that can hold my assorted art books and the MK&A one, along with recent magazines and sketchbooks. And a candle. I'm getting so excited just thinking about it.
All the floors are hard wood, rugs.

I wish there was a bed size between full or twin or whatever the single person is and mine which is a queen I think. Because I couldn't sleep on a tiny one person bed, but I would have more room with a smaller one.
No, I like my bed

I accidentally clicked on my ffffound bar and then saw this picture and it inspired me so thank you for fumbled fingers.
It's warm today, very. Like in the 60's. When I was in Hawaii 69 was a call for scarves. Now I want the weather forcast to hold up so it will indeed snow tomorrow.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm in Colorado. I'm always tired, I'm usually dizzy. My stomach was so sick today.
We got a house, on base. It's pretty nice, there are tons or deer on base all over, it's sooo weird. I want to move into the house asap but we're waiting til Monday, next Monday.
We have to rent furniture because our stuff won't be here for 40 something days at most.
I blew alot of money at Walmart the day that we left trying to fill up my life with souvs and such, it would have been so much easier and cheaper if I woulda done that slowly over the 8 years I lived there but honestly, I had no interest in it or in taking pictures of places I know back and forth as home and random cheesy keychains.
Lemme tell you, you picture a Hawaiian quilt on your bed in Hawaii, I think "Oh my gosh so cheesy and tacky" then I imagine it in Colorado and INSTANTLY it is SO COOL.
So yeah, thankfully there was alot of the vintagey pinup Hawaiian stuff so I pretty much bought everything with that stuff on it.
Plus a key chain of a hula girl and one with my name in Hawaiian that I wouldn't have been caught dead with if I was still living there because that's just a neon sign screaming HAOLEEE every time my keys come out of my purse.
I really want to start hanging stuff up in that room, the one I'll get, I brought all my hawaii crap with me to hang up becuase I knew I would appreciate it.
And some magazines with pages I've wanted to take out and hang up but never have because I didn't want to rip them takin them down.
Target has this pretty section of pink flowery bedding, it's so nice. Want.

Also...whatever I forgot. I've been depressed. I've had to stifle crying about how miserable I get realzing how lonely I am. When everything is brown and far apart, I see no potential for a home environment. I look outside as we drive around and the only life I can picture makes me so depressed I cry.
I think it will be better when we're in the house, I'll have some place to call my own and be in. With Lillie.

I really want to buy Gossip Girl season 1 and have been checking out places to buy it trying ot find it at the lowest price for the past week and a half. So far next to Amazon Walmart is the cheapest at $45 or so. Cheaper than Best buy target barnes and noble far.

AND I got a taylor swift Tshirt at walmart for 3 bucks and I am SO STOKED TO WEAR IT. I don't even care that it's actually a little girl's shirt and that it's borderline tacky. I love that gurl soooo much.

kk. I think watching TVD makes me relaxed and happier than most anything else. Gimme and bed and a tv and dvd player (along with my tvd collection" and I'll be set. Please include diet sunkist, Lillie, aaaaand instant oatmeal. For now.

I miss my Godbaby so much, I need to get a frame for her picture. MAN.

This is my Godbaby, I'm somewhere in line to be her Godmother, I made sure to tell Sharal that, even id I'm in 7th place. I AM THERE.

Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr