I feel like I lost my dad.

The only time we talk is when I ask him a question and he responds one wordedly.

If I'm not direct he pretends to not hear me.

I know our relationship has never been "close" but we had the superficial stuff.

We knew how to laugh, shared jokes, watched SNL together. Our relationship was based on that and that was fine, we got along.

Now I don't even have that and I worry that this is all a mistake. Even though in my head I know it isn't, in my head I know that he does not care because he never has hinted at it and most likely never will.

My head knows that, my head knows that it probably doesn't even matter to him. All the evidence points to that.

But I'm still sad. I still consider apologizing and making everything better.

But that's exactly what he's planning on because he's done it with my mom time and time again.

He punishes us like this until we as females, we who have feeling hearts are sad for him, because we care.

And then he wins.

He witholds affection, attention. Contact even. To me. Like a sour teenager mad at their parents and thus ignoring them.

That is how my father is to me.

And I have to listen to my head.

And accept that this is who he is, and we don't have a relationship.

And that doesn't matter to him.

And the fact that it doesn't matter hurts even more.

The fact that he intentionally hurts us and plays with our emotions.

I've lost my dad.

I don't want to cry. But seeing it for what it is breaks my heart. Seeing him ignore me, seeing him tell my sister he doesn't have to apologize to me because I'm almost 19 thus I'm an adult.

I want to believe he loves me.

But if he does, it's buried deeper than I'll ever know.