Sunday, August 31, 2008


tonight lauren left the room because she was trying to be tactful. we were all in the babies room and i was without a shirt because my belly was itchy so i had to rub lotion on it.
we finally got her to tell us why, she said i had a very hairy back.
i started whining and i bent over so everyone could come and look and examine my back, it was concluded that it is not that hairy and what she was seeing was the shading of my bones and whatnot.
though i shoudn't be that bony as i have been loving the inside of my belly with many treats daily.
we then all examined everyone else's backs and then legs to declare a hairiest person and why they were that way.
it was concluded that the twins are the hairiest. then bekah and i discussed out shaving patterns for the backs of our thighs.

you know legs make up more than half of a whole body span almost or usually, and us womenfolk have to shave that much body all the time to remain presentable.
tis quite a feat. i was starting to get some shading and hairiness with all the weeks i go sometimes until i am absolutely forced to participate in the dreaded act of de-fur-itizing my gams. but once doing so i can't help but ooo and ahh at their pale smoothness and frown on all the spots and bruises and even cuts and sores from the said act as i am most likely always out of practice.
not to mention all the hair on our head. though i treat mine with little respect, though i do love smelling it and touching it i have not run a brush or comb or even my fingers down the length of it in weeks and rarely use conditioner.
i am no lady, no lady atall.
i don't like college. i only like my art classes. i don't think i will want to take more classes, terrible stiflng classes. i don't think i will want to make myself do that for what?

nonono. i am the disappointment. after all the build up or praise when i decided to go it will all come crashing down in a disappointing heap or disappointment and confusion.
is so hothothot in hawaii.
i want to go to europe next summer. backpack it. bring my camera and 50 memory cards.
i need partner[s] first.
but only people i like.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


ps i love you was wicked. much better than i expected. i love her when she was 19. love love love that scene where they meet, so inspiring and reassuring.
goodwill today fingers crossed at 3.
i should actually shave my legs like a lady.

right now i'm going to go either catch up on the tv shows i have recorded or draw or just sit out here with everyone and eat one of the pink cupcakes with pink frosting bekah made.

Friday, August 29, 2008


people complain so much about not having a boyfriend or not having "enough" friends or blah blah blah.
i look at myself and though i do get lonely i'm pretty content.
you know what? i don't have friends. i have simonne and she's great but sometimes she gets in funks and acts like she doesn't like me, and plus she's married now and that always comes first. it's also hard to grow as a christian with a friend who is...different from me, i think she's a christian but ti's just different, i never want her to feel like im pusing my beliefs on her or judging her at all so i try not to talk about it but sometimes i just want to, you know?
and besides her i really don't have friends. mainly acquaintances, people i may see and say hi to.
i go to school alone, i walk around alone, i eat alone. i come home and hang out with my family. i don't have that one person or group of people that i do things with, or that i call anytime or have plans with all the time.
yet i'm ok. not great but i'm okay.
maybe that bible study will be a place to make friends, though i don't really like making new friends, i hate small talk and that's what making friends consists of...
maybe i don't have friends because i don't fit into the "conservative christian" category, nor the conservative hip category because i'm....sweet? but sarcastic.
i'm making no sense. i'm going to simonne's house now.

ps. look at that freakin sweet earring i made today! the top part is kind of awkward but the bottom is pretty, it's a clear bead and then a real feather.

i also need to start praying for my husband more. he could be making a bad choice right now. or right now.
or just need some prayer. or i could just be praying for an imaginary person and will die or be raptured single.
but let's say i won't :0)


i need to start drawing more.
i'm going to go do that now.
later tonight simonne and i are finishing "sisterhood of the traveling pants" and then watching "ps i love you" though i don't want to see the latter because it's going to be freakin sad she insists i watch it.
we'll also eat alot and make cookies most likely.
we're supposed to be going to a goodwill i haven't been to too but it keeps not being the right time for her.
oh! and i got a pack of clip on earrings to add stuff to to make into earrings i can wear and if they turn out pretty i can sell them on etsy?
wut? no job? home job? yes please.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

“don’t be afraid. if you are going to completely make it, you have to allow yourself to be different from everyone else. i do not mean you have to wear a purple hat and run around naked. you have to be able to show that you have a point of view. if you do not have a point of view, what makes you different from anyone else?” -Solve Sundsbo
how can a crush stay on when only one side keeps it fueled?
i wish it would die out. or i wish he would return it.
only the boys i don't crush on, crush on me.

/being 12

pbj+cheezits for lunch

it's very good that i write in this alot. writers write when they don't want to write. when they have nothing to say they write. even though i'm not a writer really i can still write.
i have a book about writing, it's small and green and has good quotes and tips.
there's a college and beyond bible study tonight that i think i'm going to go to, i think i'll really like it but i'm really scared to go, i feel really intimidated about it...driving there all by myself...
but i think it will only be good for me. i know it will, there is not a doubt that it will be very good for me.
we worked on the wheel today in ceramics, it was fun and messy, i like messy, i like getting messy usually. just not gross messy, paint and clay messy? yes please.
i'm going to go get some coffee and do my english homework now.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

from my lj a few days ago

My heart hurts. Or there is just a cramp in my chest.
Tonight at church Pastor Chuck Smith, the man who founded all the Calvary Chapel churches spoke, he basically went through prophecies, all pointing to these being the end days and how we honestly don't have much time.
Yes, I know people have been saying that and then nothing happens but this guy is pretty smart and made lots of valid points, things in the Old Testament talking about how the Lord told about his last coming, dow to how many years in Ezekial I think and how we're supposed to know.
And then alot about things going on today, Israel becoming a nation, weapons of mass destruction, things like televisions and computers.
Honestly, honestly I know it's wrong of me to say this but I don't want the rapture to come soon. I honestly don't want to go to Heaven yet.
Ever since i was little I've always just wanted to get married, it was even my plan to marry quite young and have a baby and I still want that more than anything. More than a career or money, I just want a husband to love and go exploring the world with. To have a baby or two with, to possible adopt more children with. To roadtrip across the US and live out of the car. To laugh with and decorate our house with colors and paint splatters on the wall and drink coffee and tea with. To learn another language with, to watch movies and lay in bed all day listening to music that gives us chill bumps. To make music with, even noisy ugly music with.
But maybe it's not my fate to have that.
I was thinking, well that's all I really want so should I get that before I die?
But then regardless of when the rapture happens there are going to be children, teens, adults who want to get married I'm sure but won't get that opportunity so why shouldn't one of those people be me?
I dont know. I think right now I just need to focus on being happy by myself, even more that I am now, to not think so much about my future husband, of the things we will do and how he will be enraptured with me.
Because none of that may happen.
And the little letters I've written over the years to him may go to waste.
Geez I'm being really depressing.
Anyways, I'm craving good books. I barely got time at Savers to look through the books today but did get an owl mug and 4 shirts.

I'm going to make a silly girly list because I am a girl and am allowed to. Just like I am allowed to daydream and like unicorns, fairies and "The Notebook".
I had a dream a few nights ago about getting married to someone. He was tall and had light hair and dressed in a white shit and black tie. I barely knew him, had not even really talked to him but voiced my crush to his older aunt or some relative and suddenly we were betrothed.
He was quiet but very popular, I think we were at a church. Confident yet not cocky. Perfectly balanced and so sweet. But not a wuss. A strong reassured person.
I remember I was getting ready to meet him and couldn't decide if i should wear a bright green skirt made of tulle as a shirt tucked into a skirt or if that outfit would freak him out and he would think I was silly.
It was a good dream obviously.

So here's my little list. That I am entitled to.

♥good posture
♥facial hair...mmm
♥someone to share clothing with [v neck t-shirts, jeans to be baggy on myself etc.]
♥someone who has goals in life
♥someone who enjoys reading, preferably novels, classics and literature [so we can share highlighted bits and footnotes]
♥well done tattoos are
always a plus. meaning no ugly/cheesy/overall ridiculous ones. pretty sleeves+++
♥piercing[s] but it really depends on the guy and his face. picky.
♥doesn't eat meat
♥can lead me and inspire my walk with the Lord
♥gets along with my family and sisters, can understand and love even the twins [who have aspergers syndrome and are thus socially different]
♥someone confident, but not cocky, humble at the same time but assured in himself
♥someone who is a leader
♥thinks the world of me, truly and honestly loves me and thinks i'm the most beautiful and most wonderful even when I act like a fool
♥who laughs at my stupid jokes. and the ones that are funny as well
♥appreciates my sense of humor as i am quite funny
♥musical instrument abilities are always nice
♥or photography
♥or another form of art
♥or writing
♥reads his Bible, truly strives to know and follow the Lord
♥is open-minded at the same time. does not hate gay people etc.
♥treats me as a treasure
♥preferably with little to no history with girls
♥someone who is pure, whether becaue they've always been that way or somewhere along the way changed his ways and decided to lead a "pure" life.
♥someone who will be my friend and then ask to court me. no dating.

i'm going to go do my overflowing laundry [because i have not done it in....a very long time. speaking of...
♥someone who enjoys folding and hanging up/putting away laundry as i have no problem putting it in the washer.

college squalage

college is going ok. it's hard trying to decide what things to write here and what to write on lj. i dropped english 21 because it was pointed out to me that i'm also taking english 100 and that means i don't need english 21 because i scored into english 100. 
i just thought english 21 was stupid, which it almost is asking questions like "why do you find reading difficult?" and for homework asking us multiple questions about the presidents and naming 2 reasons they are famous.
seriously. it was laughable. and the class was full of people who looked and acted like they should be in highschool. i can't judge too harshly though because if i was taking math this semester i would be in the equivalent math class to english 21 because i forget everything i learned in math passed 9th or 10th grade and thus guessed on 95% of the questions on the compass test.
i'm getting excited about moving to texas again, there for a while i was dreading it but i really am looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life there. just living somewhere else, hawaii is empty to me.
my teacher in painting is awesome, he's so great i wish he taught all my classes, my english teacher scares me but there's an interesting boy in that class so it makes it a little less dull not feeling like i'm the only one not dressed straight out of forever 21 or the jeans wharehouse...wearhouse...whatever it's full of hoochy clothes.
i started reading "emma and me" also.
and am only 5 deep into woody allen movies still.
art supplies are costing a fortune. 
i still need to apply at borders, i'm going to run out of money soon.
i actually did so much better than i thought at painting today, i've never really painted, just sketched a heckload all my life.
i wish i was skilled and motivated anough to make my own things to sell on etsy. maybe i should just try.
i've never written and essay before. ok i think i wrote one about the mystery surrounding marilyn monroe's death yet i tested into english 100, shows i'm smart buti just don't know how to use it...or that i just read too much but am no good at recreating that goodness on my own.
im such a loner at college. i'm the geek who gets her veggie lasgna and eats outside on the ground waiting for her art class to start.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

small collection of past ensembles

Saturday, August 23, 2008


-speak french and spanish fluently
-excel in college
-shave legs at least every other day
-relish solitude
-read even more
-be more confident
-write more. write better.
-stop picking at nails
-do laundry more often
-treat others with love
-see all of woody allen's movies [5 down]

girl names- lux, violet, shiloh, amelie, chandler
boy names- lucas, landon, chandler

i'm nervous about starting college on monday. i haven't been in a classroom environment since i was in 3rd grade.
what if i can't do the work?
i myself know that the lack of college does not make one any less smart than another person, but it's something i want to do.
i think.
i want to be able to do it. to learn and grow in that environment. 
a classroom full of people i don't know. people in general.
i'm so comfortable in the little nest i've created here, in my room. on my bed under a quilt with soft lighting and my lillie cat curled up next to me always twitching and dreaming. there is no pressure, no pushing myself. no actual growth. no actual expansion. except in weight as i need to stop stuffing my face every evening.
even if i can't do it, or more likely i don't want to. i can finish this semester and not go on. for now.
but i'd like to educate myself, whether i use the degree immediately or not, to have that with me for the rest of my life. to build myself something solid.
that's all.


this blog has no set goal. i wish to keep things in order. to express myself with class and to dress and behave in only the way that i want to. 
write only what i want to.
i am 18. i know how to use proper capitalization but i don't practice it often. i spell well and enjoy collecting small things.
i enjoy making people laugh most of all.
here i will post outfits, musings, stories, fantasies and anything else i may choose. i spill things on myself most days, i snort when i laugh and i very rarely do laundry.
Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr