Tuesday, June 30, 2009

An analogy made by the pastor at church on Sunday.

Say you fill a glass with water, all the way to the very top and set it on the porch on a summer day, you make sure everyone knows to be careful and not knock it over.
A few months later you come outside to look at the glass, it will most likely be much emptier if not entirely. It will probably be dirty and you will doubtfully want to drink from it.

We should be continually filled with the Holy Spirit, not just one time but continually every day overflowing. Like the glass, filling up once and then thinking we're done won't really work.
And sometimes we'll leak, we'll probably leak a little every day but all we have to do is ask our Lord to fill us up again, overflowing.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Oh, you know, just really depressed. Obviously.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I left for Denverish on Saturday at noon and am now back on Sunday...well technically Monday at 12:20 am.

I didn't sleep well but that's to be expected since I didn't plan on staying there so I had to improvise, like getting a cute outfit at Walmart for only $11! Yeah.
Aaaand I went to 7/11 before leaving tonight and got a big coffee thing just in case it decided to affect me and help me not fall asleep at the wheel and die and it did! I am hyper. Or just affected, I'm affected.
And everyone is asleeping and I'm hungry. Aaand. I miss my monroe and I wish the hole wasn't closed up but I'm too nervous to even check for sure. And I wish I had my ears pierced and Lillie is losing her mind and I was a total fool on the last half of my trip home singing to Taylor in the car, full on "look at that freak in the car waving her hands around and bouncing in her seat while singing the the literal top of her lungs."
And it was sooo dark everywhere and sometimes when I'm around couples, or a couple that are genuinely happy I'm like "no fair I want a boyyyy" and then I think about jealousy and how I haz it.
Oh blah. Oh blah. I'm way too foolish for my own good. I'm a mess, an unbalanced mess and my yeses aren't always yeses and my nos aren't always nos. No's. Yes's.
Sometimes cars die and you have to "help" push them even though you don't want to because you never even wanted to go in the first place and you are painfully uncomfortable.

I have a hard time being a regular friendly person, I need social skills classes.
I don't know how to define myself, isn't that strange? And painfully irrelevent.

Dang sometimes I worry I'm going to marry someone so uncool and it's going to be so lame and then I'm like or God will choose to not have me marry at all and be like Corrie ten Boom and then I try to be okay with that but I'm pretty sure I'm lying even though I don't want to and Jesus knows when I'm lying.
But for serious Jesus I want a man dude. I want alot of things. I feel inadequate and average and unpretty and just less than.
Yeah, I should work on that because deep down I do know I'm a'ight.
Whateevr rrrrr I need to go to sleeepppp. I want to take a shower but I take those in the mornings now (yesssss!) so I can't or my showere schedule will be all messed up and that would be horrific.

Hey it's not so weird that there's not a guy in my life. Hey it's not. And it's not so weird to say the guy in my life is Jesus it just sounds kind of awkward coming out.

7/11 coffeeee stuff is so gooooddd. Man I need an awesome job that you do homework at. Ok not need.
I need balance, I'm all I'm going to be set apart then Im all I want to go to a salon and get sparkley nails then I'm all I'm going to be a missionary then I'm all I want to wear makeup and stay here and....have friends or somethinggg.....and buy a purse.
I'm back and forth. I can't commit can I? Oh man I'm bad. Oh man it's not good. Lillie needs some weed or something because she's fuhreaking out.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Looking at the pictures on here produce a feeling in me I can't explain, kind of like the one
i get when I look at houses, imagining all the lives and stories that go on and will go on and how it would be if it was my story.
Just overwhelming cannot categorize breathtaking.

Why must I be torn in so many different directions?
Husband, let us be travelling missionaries to orphans.
No, I don't need a husband. I just need my Lord.

And some more bravery, courage, money etc.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Just as I have been awakened to the fact that some of us are not called to be missionaries, all of us are. Just as I have been scouring the internet trying to find organizations to help and minister to orphans and children both here and abroad but finding a limited amount or ones costing $3,000+
We went to church this morning, got to talking to the couple in front of us and learned that they're missionaries involved with an organization, I forgot the name. The man leads a study at the Air Force Academy and just recently went to a city in Africa for spring break to witness.

They're coming over for dinner on Tuesday, promising to look at the website with me and share pictures.

To be honest I haven't really even prayed that much at all about wanting to go somewhere, but still He knew. Of course He did.
I really just want to hug little children and orphans and show them love. That's all, I just want to go somewhere and shower little children with the love that haven't felt or experienced much if at all.

Right now it's pouring rain against my windows, it's so pretty! I've decided to start opening my blinds every day and letting sunshine in, and opening the windows to let the breeze in when it's warm outside, like this summer!
I'm still cleaning out my room, struggling with trying to get rid of stuff. I'm a renowned packrat feeling emotional attachment to almost every single item big or small but I know, I know I have way way too many "worldly treasures." So I'm trying to get rid of them, or at least put them away. Like my tv and dvd player are both in my closet, along with 90% of my dvd/tvd collection and my cd's as well.

Happy one week anniversary of my rededicated life to my Lord. Technically it was wanting to break all through last Saturday, then Saturday evening breaking down completely, and going to sleep later on, waking up on Sunday a changed person.
So yes, one week.

Ack, I don't want to work at C.B. anymore, I talked to a manager on Friday and we were going to discuss things futher but it didn't happen, either I need to work much less or not work at all because it's just not fair for them to pay me the same amount to work 2 tables as they could pay someone else to work 6 tables.
It's just not logical, there are other ways I can serve people because I'm going to miss bringing a smile to all of my customers faces.

I have a ridiculous amount of cash and my bank account is almost empty. I really don't care.
I really wish I could easily give my excess stuff somewhere where it's needed, not just to Goodwill where hipsters can re-buy it.
Ever since I learned about the woman who started the Salvation Army I have a new respect for it, even though it does blend in with all the other thrift store chains in essence it's different, so I'll probably drop stuff there eventually.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I feel bad for being angry at the stupidity of so many teens today.
It's hilarious and enraging and sad all at the same time.

A relative I have is one of them. I know I should feel love for her and her friends but when they are like 14 with dark eyeliner and high flash self taken profile pictures, when they write blogs about religion and how stupid and expletive it is it's hard.
You think you're tough? That you're smart because you support Obama and he won the election, that you can take pictures in your bra and get photo comments.

Having many people agree with you is nothing if all those people are as wrong as you are. It's even worse.

Someday ever knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord.


Last night at work some of the girls I'm "kind of" friends with, meaning I know their name and have talked to them more than 3 times. They were taking His name in vain, talking about prayer and making jokes about how if Jesus forgave their sins then it's ok to keep sinning right? And hahaha. No one was addressing me so I just stood there, at the time I thought about saying something but no one was addressing me, if they did then I would of course state my opinion.
But on the way home, I was thinking that that's an excuse we make. We sit back and let people go on and on stupidly, so while I was there waiting for my food to be up and they were giggling about praying "Lord help me not blankity blank that blank" and I'm silent and all that's going through my head is "One day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord."

So next time, if there is one, I think I'm going to say something. I'm going to try and I pray that God gives me his words and courage and eloquence at that time.
Somewhere in the Bible it says something about how it's good if we're persecuted because that means we're doing something right, in the right context of course. They ridiculed Him so when they ridicule us we should be glad! For we are in fact shining Him and others are reacting the way He predicted.
Something like that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I've given up so much these last few days, yet my sacrifices pale in comparison to anything He ever has done.

We went to Mardel today, I had totally wiped out my entire Itunes library yesterday so I needed cd's, Christian ones. I ended up with 4, one being a total Phil Wickham knock-off but I love Phil so why not?
Also to Hobby Lobby where I decided that I should not go in there ever again because all it does is promote selfishness and discontent in me, I got 3 posters there because they were on sale. Everything was 50% off in that store.

Cracker Barrel's not for me, I'm on the lookout for a job more suited to my slowness and attention to detail.

I want to love orphans.
Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr