Saturday, February 28, 2009

I usually sleep like a normal person, or what I deem normal person sleep to be. Last night I slept like a rock, I vaguely remember waking up and rolling over but not taking my eye mask off. I remember my arm hurting from laying on top of it and either dreaming or thinking of dreaming about those big blue mailboxes and there was some company either directly related to them or using their image, the blue mailbox image and there was a cut-out of something, maybe in an envelope, those business envelopes that have the little clear plastic window and the address is on the letter inside and you can see it through the window.
So something to do with all of that.
And I woke up at 11:30 and was very angry with myself and I was still half asleep in the sense that I was totally out of it, not like I normally am where I'm just mad about getting up but still at the "normal" level of tiredness that you are when you wake up and you are a normal person getting normal person sleep.
After arriving in the living room I debated whether I had taken some sort of allergy medication the night before because it just wasn't normal. Then I watched Rush Limbaugh on tv and rolled my head around and get coffee and special bread.
This is where I would come to the point of the story, probably sharing the revelation that I eventually had explaining my rock-like state but it never happened and I still don't know why.
My allergies were really wicked so I did end up taking allergy medicine so now it is a combination of my leftover rock like state and Aphedrid.

I watched Rush's whole speech and when I first started I didn't like him and concluded that if her were democratic I would hate him but becuase he is on "my" side I couldn't immediately hate him.
I ended up really liking him and finished watching his speech in my room while I continued going through my ever present stack of old magazines that linger on my floor and turing them into a makeshift "scrapbook" that is really just a notebook, not even a fancy moleskin that will hold my clippings with the help of a glue stick with a neon orange, yellow and pink stripe.

I don't understnad why people make their journals works of art, I mean, do they only do that so they can show them off at online communities? If they didn't do that would they still take all the time to think of clever sentences that pertain to all of America's youth and then make a simple sketch to go along with it, then add some weird shapes, water colors and other hipster images such as feathers?
Who has the time to do that? And why? Unless to show it off to other people, I for one wouldn't take all that time to make my personal journal so intelligent and insightful when only I would see it.

My mom just used the exact line "when I was a girl" man oh man.
So in conclusion I don't know why I think Sean Penn is hot.

And also after talking to an IRS guy that I couldn't understand because he was from Slumdog Millionaire and that is not racist just a quip because I thought he was really cute I just felt bad I kept on having to make him repeat himself because I couldn't understand. My dad kept telling them they made a mistake by giving me $300 extra but they insisted that that was not right or something so I'm just keeping it becuase according to them I'm supposed to so thank you very much IRS people because now my unemployed self that has been living off the money saved from my job last summer that is almost gone because i haven't been working but has lasted a very long time becuase i really don't spend that much money, now i have a little over $1,000 in my account and I can live off of that for a whileee.
Thank you thank you thank you. I will purchase "Pushing Daisies" becuase I every day I feel more and more ridiculous for loving a show I have never seen even a scene from. And also because it has no sex in it that I've read of and that is always nice so it is a wise investment.
Kind of.

Blargh what was it that I needed at Borders...

Oh yeah Camilla Belle's Nylone cover. I bes loving her and her eyebrows. Alotlotlot.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My IRS document said I was getting $600+
But then it turned out that they made a mistake
So my dad is calling them
And now I will probably get half as much

Shoot man.

First Sean Penn became my favorite actor, recently I have become attracted to him. At least it didn't start out as a physical thing.

And ohmygosh I just realized/remembered that he made "Into the Wild" Oh man oh man I have a new excitement for that movie.

Is he considered attractive in the media? I'm really not sure.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm exausted. Maybe all the driving, back and forth to Sharal's house, holding Lillie, I love doing that but now that I'm home I don't want to do anything.
My eyes are burny. I just want to take another shower and get into bed. I may just do that.

Sharal, Lillie and I went to Frank's church this morning, I was worried the sermon wouldn't be a really good one or he wouldn't be as funny or engaging or real but he was all of those. Sharal liked it and I'm so glad becuase I really enjoy the services. Even though I walked around holding Lillie thorughout the entire service, she was good.
S talked to me too. It was weird, like he goes from ignoring me to making small talk and staring. Alot.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I love my Lord. I wish to honor Him in all I  do. 
Recently when I've been doing my mandatory moleskin writing as I try and succeed in doing every single night, I've been busting out these...prayers/poems/praises. Without even trying they just come out.
It's actually pretty cool, I always always love it when I feel Him being real. When I can recognize it without doubt.

Happy Valentine's future hubbin, I love you and I promise to try and always honor you as if you are beside me all through my days.

HArharha. I am as sappy as those disgusting chalk hearts that have off-centered sentiments stamped on.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My head just hurts.

I'm really suffering for Christian friends. I was looking at facebook groups and even all of them are full of people I don't want to be friends with. It seems like there are so many different versions of Christianity out there. Tons. And the people that have almost the same beliefs and...desires as me are quite bluntly not interesting. Meaning I wouldn't want to be friends with them becuase they are boring. Those kind of people, which is not a bad thing, it really isn't but I can't make myself into that, the one dimensional kind of person that many believers are. It seems like it's either have strong beliefs, convictions etc. and be dull, and uninteresting. Not caring about clothes or music or books or art unless they directly partain to Christianity and we can't be in our own little world. We can't just exclude everything else and live in our safe Jesus bubble. At least I don't want to.
So you have them or you have the people who call themselves Christians, like I have been most of my life. You believe in God and you probably are truly a Christian but you don't take it seriously, you live by basic rules and know that Jesus loves you. Don't have actual all the way sex, don't say the "f" word, don't get drunk alot, go to church read your Bible sometimes. But I don't want that.
I'm in the middle and I knwo there are otehr people like that but I don't know them.
That's why I need ot go to that conference. I really need ot go to Lillie fast becuase she's horribly depressed.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I am growing my hair out until it gets grossly long. Until it reaches that point where you are that woman at the grocery store that other people point at becuase her hair is just that long.
I will grow it. 
Long and dark.
I will resist bangs. Keep resisting, stay strong.

I'm 90% sure I have decided to not kiss another man until my wedding day. I know it's not something you can be iffy on, the whole purity agreement way of life. It's not something to be embarrassed about or keep secret.
That is the misconception, that it is an annoying obligation we feel we have to have as Christians.
But no. It is something to be excited about, to cherish becuase you know that it will pay off more than anyone else can imagine. It's a secret of sorts.

Friday, February 6, 2009

D 2

and you're underground
and you're screaming and laughing
and drowing in that black grease
and you no longer occupy any part of me

i hope it swallows you
i hope your scaly skin falls off
your screams are muted
and all that surrounds you
is righteous judgement
because no one cares about you anymore
and no one thinks you are anything
you will be nothing but yellow bones
all traces of the villian you once played
the tree, the sun
burn away with the stink of flesh
in the air
but your screams are not heard
nor is your laughter
you are but an open mouth
gnashing your teeth
until you are nothing at all
but yellow bones
and the stench of burnt flesh
and the black legacy
that no one will remember

D 1

every day
your hand print
grease. black grease.
still lingers on me

i still see it
when i look in the mirror
you still have a part of me

for now
until enough time passes
and i claim myself again
and the residue is gone
He lifts it away
and i'm once again a pure petal
milky white
without wrinkle or blemish

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ahhh c and v

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Someday I think it will be sweet when someone thinks I am over the age of 16 or so, I don't understand I mean who would let their 13 year old get a piercing on their face!? Actually I take that back, our society sucks.
Sometimes it works to my advantage, like when the little Asian man in the glasses shop asked how old I was and I said 19 and he was all suprised and "ohh wuuut!!?" and I was all "how old did you think I was sonn?" and he said there was a free anti glare thing thing they put in for children under the age of 18. I'll just go another day when he's not there and say I'm 16.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

mom doesn't like me today. i have a small list of reasons why i think that is true.
i kind of don't like her either right now.

though of course now she will read this.

the same issues arise, they seem to be conquered, then they arise again.
they may take other forms but i see their true issued colors.

lillie doesn't like me either because i haven't spent time with her all day.
i have been sketching alot though.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Steelers are world champs

my vest has alot of ruffles on the bottom.
things are 75% last I checked.
I got a book about anthropology at Goodwill today.
it might be fun to scan my sketches onto the computer.
Lillie is sew goshdarn kewt.
for a split second I debated whether "world" was capitalized.
I run into things.
I have zero income.

Here is a poem of sorts that I love:

hush little baby
hush quite alot
bad babies get rabies
and have to be shot

it's really quite unnecessarily morbid.

Header image by sabrinaeras @ Flickr