i wore boots today. i struggle. sometimes i see no light.

what am i doing with my life?

what if i lead this lifestyle, this upright one. this one preparing myself for my husband. one who lives a life worshiping her Lord and then what. I die. i just literally die or get raptured.

i'm sorry but i want to get married. i want a husband someday and that's just what the book i just started was talking about last night. "lady in waiting" have you read it? and who is the implied "you" that i am talking to? the universe? hey universe have you read this book. the universe has read every book.

anyways.

it talks about how women think the longing in their heart is for a man, for a husband, marriage, children. but it's not. that longing is not for that. it is for our Prince jesus christ.

and i know i shouldn't but i do. sometimes a girl just needs some girlfriends who feel the same way or felt a similar way. it's so hard in this world today. it is.

to want to follow my Lord but to not be a total square. a balance? to have this struggle every day. every hour to follow him, it will always be a struggle. to stay on track, to not slip. to keep The fire in my heart ignited. 

like a torch, a ceremonial one that people keep lit for years, i might just be making this up but i think it's real.

there is a torch in my heart. in every believer's heart that flickers, sometimes it dies so low you can barely see it and that's what mine did for a few months a few months ago. but we add fuel when we worship, when i just sing my heart out to Phil Wickham in the car. Sometimes the fire gets lower, sometimes it sways but it always stays there. And my job is to keep it as bright as i can. I fail every day. I fail for weeks at a time but it is always there waiting for me to bring it back to life again.