Lazy day today, mom is now sick with my sickness so we watched two movies about alchohol rehabilitation unintentionally, "28 Days" and "When a Man Loves a Woman" the latter is fantastic and I don't think I've ever heard it mentioned outside of my mom. Meg Ryan used to be so pretty.

Speaking of, I want to lend everyone I know "Dead Man Walking" which again I had never heard of until my mom bought it for $5 and told me it was wonderful, it was amazing, I judge the amazingness by how I was affected, in this case I cried more/harder than ever in a movie before, the last 30 minutes I was literally just sobbing on my bed and my sister came in becuase she heard me crying. Look it up, watch it, and tell me if you cried, even if I don't know you.

I want to make people watch it, to make them cry. Not out of hostility though.

I decided that I really must move to New York City someday, really really. For some reason I keep seeing it, like on the New Year's celebrations on tv, and in "Definitely, maybe" I want to live thereeee. So that is one of my goals, I didn't even see myself being married and living there, I see myself there with a friend, I know myself enough to know that going there all by myself would be a depressing overwhelming disaster and I wouldn't last.

So yes, in the next few years I wish to acquire a fantabulous friend to go to New York and live, I'll take some little job and just try and make art and write. Ah, I feel so nice not wanting a "career" career.

Laziness maybe, more attention to myself, I'm happier when I'm not stressed out and overworked, no matter how much money I may make if I graduate into a high paying career job.

I totally respect people who do that though, I think it's amazing. Maybe someday I will.

I recorded the "Bones" marathon today so I have around...15 episodes to watch? I'm honestly obsessed with crime show dramas. Gah.

My birthday is on Sunday.

This new year is going to be unlike anything my family, us girls have ever imagined. We're going to be thrust into an entirely different life. But when I think about it, I see us as being really happy, just a house of girls and cats giggling and carefree.

No judgement, no worrying about sleeping in or being in pajamas or not doing the dishes on time for appearances. No worrying that we're making ourselves seem lazy or anything.

My mom's been going through all these books, it's amazing how well they describe my dad. He's a narcissist apparently, reading the standard psychology symptoms or what have you, how he doesn't respect other people and demonstrates that by rolling his eyes or laughing when you stand up to him or talk to him. That's him. All this stuff we always thought was just his personality is actually not, the fact that I don't feel like he's ever really been proud of me is not okay. The fact that he doesn't respect me his own daughter, that he doesn't give a crap if I'm happy, or what I want or think, he literally doesn't give a crap what I have to say on anything because not matter what he has and always will think he is right, we are idiots. We are ridiculous. And that's not right, and by doing all this soon we're able to save the younger girls the treatment I'm receiving, how they slowly turn from being his daughter to being an adult idiot who lives in the house. That which he can't control, he rejects and does not respect.

I think my hair is fading, I wish it would just stay red.

Resolutions:

grow closer to the Lord, make him the center of my life, not just a ritual activity

write in my moleskin every single day, or draw, just put something in for every day and date it

wear whatever I want and be confident in it, make my own trends

make alot of art, all kinds, experiment

feel beautiful, stop feeling like I'm an ugly fat person

readreadread. devour books