moving some lj entries from this past week or so here

Mom and Dad went to the lawyer and signed the papers and yada yada, he was actually really nice last evening and this morning. It was strange...but apparently he got stressed at the amount of child support he will have to pay for my three younger sisters, no money fo me as I am 19 now. He's really worried about getting a job now that he's going to be out of the military, for the first time since he was 20 he is out of that security that the military gives you, a steady income, housing etc. He only yesterday confided in my mom and told her how stressed and worried about money he is, he's applied to 60 jobs and still hasn't found one. See right now, I really love him. Because he is nice, becuase he seems to be in this "vulnerable" situation where he seems to not be the macho controlling man he always is. I asked my mom if she still wants to go through with everything now that he's being nice and she said no, she just has to look on the past 20 or so years of things being good then bad then good then bad. It's always been a rollercoaster and what has held it together was the times when it was good again and all was forgotten or pushed away thinking that maybe this time it will last. So right now Im trying to go with my head, not my heart. My head remembers a few weeks ago getting in a shouting match about respect, about me finally realizing that he is only kind when it suits him. That he refuses to even listen to my side of how I see my life, why I want to pursue art or anything besides traditional college right now. I just have to look back on those posts in my blogspot from a few weeks ago. I don't believe this is holding a grudge, it's being realistic. The truth is that he can turn at any moment, he can start making fun of me for what I believe, for my feelings at any second. Even when I reach the high point of the roller coaster, even when I'm on the ocean and the waves have stopped for a while I know that there will be a drop, another wave will come crashing on me and to pretend like that isn't going to happen isn't being forgiving, it's being foolish. Enough about this. I love my dad, and it's just a very mild version of that scenario where the abused child/wife etc. goes back to their husband/father etc. over and over and you scream at the tv and tell them how stupid they are but they just say that they love him and he really is sorry this time. Only dad hasn't apologized, it's just very sticky and to try and analyze it all out would just lead me around in a circle, there is no simple way to explain it. I need to stop writing so freaking much.