Tuesday, January 20, 2009

i feel like i'm falling apart. like i'm losing what little i had.

i had hope and it's sick that i'm wanting the days of him being cruel to come back around.
because then, i knew what i was, what we were doing.
there were plans, exciting new plans and everything was falling into place.

but now. now he went to a psychologist. he cried there. i have never seen him cry, or come close to crying.
now he's regretful and broken. he sits and stares into space.

so now. nothing is certain. should we stay or should we go now?
while this is unlike anything he has ever done before, past anything i thought he was physically capable of.
what if we stay and it gets bad again? because we stayed he won't have motivation to get the help he needs, the therapy, the AA.
or what if he's depending on my mom too much, to help him now after she's tried almost 25 years to change him, help him, begged him to stay with us.
so what now, there is no good answer, either way.

and i'm irritable all the time, i'm snappy 80% of the day.
and i've picked my toenails down so now when i paint them it takes only one horizontal stroke across.

because.
because nothing.
because the life that was laid out, the road laid out for us to walk on as early as the next few weeks is crumbling
and all there is is smoke. where you don't know what you see.
so you see nothing.
and know nothing.
again.

chelsea, don't make plans. don't believe plans. stay detached from plans and future lives.
it's better that way.

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