No matter how much I wanted to make this birthday feel like a birthday I couldn't and I'm glad I had excuses to not be able to, it took some of the pressure off.

Alot of the family is sick and it's not like I had any plans with friends or a party so we didn't go anywhere, I kept trying to think of what to do, what to say to make it feel like a birthday, to make it different than other days, to make it special. I couldn't so I blamed it on the fact that we couldn't go anywere and because of the obvious painful tension lurking the whole house and every exchange between my father and someone else.

My mom is amazing my little sister is so sick but made every effort to make this birthday as good as she could, even though she should've stayed camped on the couch more to keep from coughing so much she begged my dad to get me donuts, to drive all around looking for them, as soon as she thought I wanted something she did everything in her power to make it happen, making an amazing homemade card and decorating my cake when I don't know if I would do the same for her if I was sick like she is.

I'm truly blessed, I need to lay off on the controlling thing, the obsessing about the whole thing.

We spent most of the day in the living room where we moved couches around and started going through "Gilmore Girls" again, the first season because mom and I wanted to watch them again, we relate and will even more in the coming months as our living situation shifts. Of course I've seen most of the seasons multiple times but Bekah's just now watching them, it's fun sharing this thing that's been in my mom and my life for years, to share that sort of tradition now that she's old enough for the first few seasons at least.

It's stressful because dad is being super sweet to the girls trying to get them to like him, I'm betting that he's doing this to hurt my mom and to try and get them on "his side" and get them to pick him when we all separate. I keep telling my mom that he has no chance, to not let him be able to hurt her, she has to be careful, as soon as he sees weakness in her or emotion he jumps and attacks like a predator attacking their prey when they're already down or wounded. It's horrid.

But whatever. I made a wish on my candles, took me a while of sitting there with everyone staring at me urging me to blow them out already and growing warmer from the heat of the 19 tiny flames in front of me, I had to use this wish though, looking ahead at this year I felt like I had to make this wish be really good.

Superstitious I know. 

Here's to coffee and the comfort and hope that I feel with "Bones" and Lorelai and Rory and moving forward and trusting the Lord.

Mom and I are still going to see as much movies as possible soon in theatre to celebrate.