I feel the way I want to be, to dress to act, it changes throughout the day. And then when it comes down to getting dressed or drawing I end up going with something boring, something not like anything that inspired me that day. Something almost boring. Not always, but alot of times this happens.
I don't have this consistent style, this look that I keep up with. The retro or grungy, messy or tomboyish, girly with dresses all the time or laid back tshirts. I can never find a style I like enough to remeber to keep up with it every day, to have it with me all the time. Instead I get lost with all these thoughts bouncing around and not settling on one thing.
You know how people, me. We want to change something about ourselves, improve, break a bad habit, get up earlier, draw more, read better books. We decide to do these things, but then we say "well when I get this I'll start." Like, when I get a job I'll have the money to incorporate that style consistently. Or when I don't feel sick any more I'll start doing yoga.
But then it gets pushed and the reason for putting it off changes until you no longer make an excuse.
I feel that way about moving, I tell myself "well once I move I can start over, make myself into one person and not the 10 shadows of 10 different styles.
I don't know if it will work, I'm acknowledging that many times these things don't work but I still want it to.
I want to get rid of alot of my stuff, it's hard becuase I'm so sentimental and hesitant because "what if someday I want this" or "someday I'm going to regret this decision."
But really, in order to start over, I have to clean the slate.
Rosi Golan for new music today, recommended by Natalie
1 notes:
this is just me rambling and stuff so take this with a grain of salt but:
i think the reason people make timelines for themselves (like, "when _____ happens, i'll ______") is because we subconsciously think that it helps us embrace change. like you're expecting something different to happen, so you might as well throw in some other changes while you're at that stage anyway. putting yourself into that mindset makes it easier to think about more things being different, but once you actually get to that point when ______ happens, you come up with other standards, conditions you want yourself to meet first and you just keep continuing this cycle...
ultimately i think it just comes down to FEAR. like, what if you actually change something about your life or about yourself, but it turns out to be a disaster? what if you're still not happy? what if it's not enough? what if what if what if... sometimes you just have to jump in and stop questioning yourself, stop waiting for the perfect sitation which probably doesnt exist anyway, stop letting your brain mess with your instinct, and just do it, just dive in. and if it doesn't work out? well... it's just material possessions, it's just a location, it's just another life experience to tack on to your list.
with me, i'm always scared of failure. i've grown up almost oblivious to it because i've always worked hard to get good grades, never had any serious problems with anything, etc etc. my life has always been pretty safe, very sheltered because i'm afriad to let go and l i v e. but i'm slowly learning to loosen my grip on things. you know, let go let God, that whole thing. i'm just trying to trust myself, do things that make me proud to be ME.
other people's lives always seem so glamourous and picturesque and just lovely and quaint, and its easy to long after their situations and all... but the fact of the matter is all we have is our own lives. every single piece of our existence fits together to create this unique, delightful little sketch of who we are. so even if you (and me, too) might feel scattered or detached or just not all one whole thing, it's o k a y. i think of it as being in a grace period. learning about all the parts of myself to figure out who i am and where i fit as a whole.
yeesh this was quite long. i have one more thing to say though, and it's that i definitely agree with needing to have a clean slate to start over. because really, sometimes you just have to teach yourself to let go.
ok i lied, one more thing to say about a post down down there vv : omgzzzz the oc season 1 wtas the besttestsestset ever. and i loved that song by finley quaye and william oakley! i used to have the oc season 1 soundtrack-mix thing, it was pretty great.
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