but is this burning, an eternal flame

i'ts too stressful. mom and i are fighting all the time.

this shouldn't be happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't raised in a broken household. i'm the dad but i'm not given a choice on where to live, i'm the good husband when she needs me.

fretting about where to live, where to move in under 3 months, what we'll do for money, how she'll get a job. will there be a church there? a good one? will we be able to find an apartment that allows cats? that 5 women can fit in and afford? will we be close to anyone we know?

will it be grey and treeless. that's how i see kansas from when we went there, utterly depressig and it's the frontrunner. my spending hours looking for small "stars hollow" towns does nothing. truth is i just want to escape somewhere i know. somewhere that's not so foreign when we're beginning this foreign life at the same time.

i don't want to be in another one of these cardboard white walled houses, new houses, new ones among their siblings that all look the same.

i just want a house, for once in my life i thought i was going to get a house but then this whole thing happened and that dream of painting my walls for the first time and feeling really in place was pushed farther and indefinitely ahead.

so what. i've resorted to climbing inside myself, to throwing away that dream of being in a bright and happy place where i'm free and creative and happy.

for now, i just need to accept that this next year is going to be harder than anything i've ever considered being faced with. leaving this home of 8 years. this island home.

i have no one. nothing. 

so a fighting match in the bathroom, started crying slammed door yelled and she really is going to sleep. so much for not being able to go to sleep when i'm upset.

we all reach our breaking point. we all reach the point where any promises and the true tender side of ourselves in overpowered.

i can't expect this to not be stressful. and it is, so very much so and i don't have an outlet.

sometimes i don't have anyone. 

my stomach has been hurting in all sorts of ways, sharp pains to nausea to aching to cramping to heartburn in my throat and chest and more nausea.

at least my face isn't breaking out, no need to pummel my self esteem at this point in time, that would be no good.

i stay in my room at night, i've grown to barely talking to my dad at all. maybe a few words, put forth by me in reference to a needed question or such.

tomight he was nice right before he went to bed though.

there was improper grammar on the big posters in the bxtra today. for shame.

i feel. so sick.

bonesnow.