i was reading through my old moleskin from when i was with dane.

i would give almost anything to erase that stuff. it made me sick reading it.

i was so stupid, so so so freaking ignorant. a moron. thinking i was being free and mature and independent and he was this worldly person and all i wanted to do was be with him and drink and give my body away.

it's so sick.

sick.

i had to tear out some of the pages, some of them were just too graphic and made me want to scream and throw up at the same time. take a sharpie to my brain.

i wish i could erase everything, it is the most shameful, i literally despise that person i was. i hate her, i loathe that stupid stupid girl. 

i loathe him, i want him out of my head. should he be that way by now? but sometimes when i shower or do nothing i get horrible flashbacks.

things i can't tell anyone, they hurt too much. they are too revolting.

he is the lowest. just reading that stuff he was so manipulative and i played into it. i was a stupid girl who wanted to be "cool" and hip and he took advantage of that and i hate myself and i hate him.

what will it take for me to get over this? what will it take to feel like my life is in no way his? to get rid of the feeling that he has a part of me?

i was going to keep that journal, you know for memory's sake, to look back on when and if i'm ever healed.

but i think i'm not going to, i'm going to burn it. everything from him.

and you know what's sad? he sent me a message wishing me a happy birthday, that makes him the third person outside my family.

pathetic.

i hate myself. maybe i need to go crazy and get rid of every little thing that is in any way associated with him.

he ruined me. i ruined me.