my dad sent my mom a list, what she'll get when we all separate, said the kids can choose who they go with. the girls still don't know, which is good in a way. they're waiting. i still don't feel like this is really truly happening, i don't think anyone understands how strange it is, our family, our together church going family, homeschooling 4 kids family.

i keep breaking down, i keep crying. i think i had an anxiety attack in walmart today. i can't handle things. i keep dying my hair, trying to get the color i want only it bounces around so i never really know what i want. i'm probably trying to control my environment, i can't control what's going on and i can't do anything so i change my hair. like some people stop eating because they can control that, i keep wanting ot dye my hair over and over change it. i think that's why. sometimes i don't know why i'm upset, but then my mom suggests a possible cause and i feel myself welling up letting me know that that is the cause. even though i don't really actively think 'i'm changing my hair because i can't change anything else, i'm controlling my hair because my life is out of control' but when she suggested it i welled up.

that's how i know things, that's my signal now.

we're bouncing around states, which one to move to, the cost of living, if we know anyone there, if it's too cold.

i keep feeling guilty, for lots of different things, for hanving my mom buy me presents for my birthday, fo rmaking a stupid list when i get things all year round, for not feeling as birthday-ey as usual, for feeling like i'm being ungrateful for feeling that way. it's almost a guilt i can't pin on one thing, just an overall guilt that pops up and makes me fall apart.

i've just been watching "bones." i think it helps, i'm escaping yes but it soothes me, the characters.

i'll take what i can get.

my mom is the best thing in my life, even though i keep falling apart she is always there with empathy, when i know that if i were her i'd get frustrated at my selfish self crying when i barely have a reason to. it's her who has a reason to.