from my lj a few days ago

My heart hurts. Or there is just a cramp in my chest.
Tonight at church Pastor Chuck Smith, the man who founded all the Calvary Chapel churches spoke, he basically went through prophecies, all pointing to these being the end days and how we honestly don't have much time.
Yes, I know people have been saying that and then nothing happens but this guy is pretty smart and made lots of valid points, things in the Old Testament talking about how the Lord told about his last coming, dow to how many years in Ezekial I think and how we're supposed to know.
And then alot about things going on today, Israel becoming a nation, weapons of mass destruction, things like televisions and computers.
Honestly, honestly I know it's wrong of me to say this but I don't want the rapture to come soon. I honestly don't want to go to Heaven yet.
Ever since i was little I've always just wanted to get married, it was even my plan to marry quite young and have a baby and I still want that more than anything. More than a career or money, I just want a husband to love and go exploring the world with. To have a baby or two with, to possible adopt more children with. To roadtrip across the US and live out of the car. To laugh with and decorate our house with colors and paint splatters on the wall and drink coffee and tea with. To learn another language with, to watch movies and lay in bed all day listening to music that gives us chill bumps. To make music with, even noisy ugly music with.
But maybe it's not my fate to have that.
I was thinking, well that's all I really want so should I get that before I die?
But then regardless of when the rapture happens there are going to be children, teens, adults who want to get married I'm sure but won't get that opportunity so why shouldn't one of those people be me?
I dont know. I think right now I just need to focus on being happy by myself, even more that I am now, to not think so much about my future husband, of the things we will do and how he will be enraptured with me.
Because none of that may happen.
And the little letters I've written over the years to him may go to waste.
Geez I'm being really depressing.
Anyways, I'm craving good books. I barely got time at Savers to look through the books today but did get an owl mug and 4 shirts.

I'm going to make a silly girly list because I am a girl and am allowed to. Just like I am allowed to daydream and like unicorns, fairies and "The Notebook".
I had a dream a few nights ago about getting married to someone. He was tall and had light hair and dressed in a white shit and black tie. I barely knew him, had not even really talked to him but voiced my crush to his older aunt or some relative and suddenly we were betrothed.
He was quiet but very popular, I think we were at a church. Confident yet not cocky. Perfectly balanced and so sweet. But not a wuss. A strong reassured person.
I remember I was getting ready to meet him and couldn't decide if i should wear a bright green skirt made of tulle as a shirt tucked into a skirt or if that outfit would freak him out and he would think I was silly.
It was a good dream obviously.

So here's my little list. That I am entitled to.

♥tall
♥good posture
♥facial hair...mmm
♥someone to share clothing with [v neck t-shirts, jeans to be baggy on myself etc.]
♥someone who has goals in life
♥someone who enjoys reading, preferably novels, classics and literature [so we can share highlighted bits and footnotes]
♥well done tattoos are always a plus. meaning no ugly/cheesy/overall ridiculous ones. pretty sleeves+++
♥piercing[s] but it really depends on the guy and his face. picky.
♥doesn't eat meat
♥can lead me and inspire my walk with the Lord
♥gets along with my family and sisters, can understand and love even the twins [who have aspergers syndrome and are thus socially different]
♥someone confident, but not cocky, humble at the same time but assured in himself
♥someone who is a leader
♥thinks the world of me, truly and honestly loves me and thinks i'm the most beautiful and most wonderful even when I act like a fool
♥who laughs at my stupid jokes. and the ones that are funny as well
♥appreciates my sense of humor as i am quite funny
♥musical instrument abilities are always nice
♥or photography
♥or another form of art
♥or writing
♥reads his Bible, truly strives to know and follow the Lord
♥is open-minded at the same time. does not hate gay people etc.
♥treats me as a treasure
♥preferably with little to no history with girls
♥someone who is pure, whether becaue they've always been that way or somewhere along the way changed his ways and decided to lead a "pure" life.
♥someone who will be my friend and then ask to court me. no dating.


i'm going to go do my overflowing laundry [because i have not done it in....a very long time. speaking of...
♥someone who enjoys folding and hanging up/putting away laundry as i have no problem putting it in the washer.