It's the strangest thing, for once in so long I can't remeber i haven't had a strong desire to go on the internets these past four days.

it's probably due to the complete bliss that has surrounded said days.

thanksgiving, my favorite meal and then all four days spent with my entire family becuase my dad didn't have work, putting up the tree, hanging up ornaments, taking "family pictures" for the first time in years, we used my camera of course stacked on vhs tapes on a stool where i focused it set the timer and ran back to the couch to pose pretty.

we had antlers and santa hats too.

thanksgiving leftovers that i had the last of today, including my sweet potatoes that are technically yams because actual sweet potatoes aren't as good as yams, plus theyre an ickier color. the only thing i can really cook all by myself, the thing that i make evry year by default continuing tradition and adding the things i think will go well each year differently because i never can remeber, it's always good, at least i think so. and my family says so, and back when i was friends with kami and mark and stephen they said so but then later kami told me they were lying and nobody liked my yams.

we put together a snoopy puzzle while watching the charlie brown christmas special.

i got beckah in to taylor swift so we went through the whole next week on GAC and...the one below it..A something, country channels to record the things concerning her. today bekah's even memorizing some of her songs, it's amazing what an infulence i have on her, and also scary because i don't want to accidentally turn her off to something she loves because i voice an opinion of dislike.

we were home almost the whole four days, save the trip to the bx to find more puzzles but found there selections was beyond horrible so we settled on a 750 thomas kinkade that only my dad and i are working on becuase my sisters repeatedly declare that it is much too hard for them.

my mom got into tonight though.

been watching csi and cold case.

i'm dreading going back to school in less than 12 hours, i dread doing my essay due on friday that i have no interest in and thinking about it makes me want to run away until my first and last semester of college is over.

i have to do well though, or i'll disappoint my mom, becuase she knows i can do well if i try. like how i got a B on my last essay and that is HUGE becuase my teacher is a chinese stickler that i don't think cries and chose her husband based on a point system.

plus the grading process on them almost solely revolves around the levels of a C grade.

Some B's.

Like 2 A's.

I was beyond proud of myself, the essay i worked on in one day for hours with the motivation of getting new birkenstocks.

i need that for this last essay, well it's not the last one since we have a fifth one but that one is done in computer lab, i'm going to do horrid in that one. essay 2 in computer lab was bad, i freeze and up and can't work on a sticky keyboard surrounded by people and minutes ticking by.

plus i still need ot tell my dad i'm not going back to school.

and my mom has mentioned art school to him to which he replied "what? what is that?" and we replied "a school that is for art, teaches only art" and he "what do you do there? why do you want to go there? etc" i "becuase i like art blahblahblha"

it was funny, he was so confused as to waht an art school was and what its purpose is.

which could be understandable, what job do you get with a degree from an art school but not an actual college?

do they even give anything out?

regardless i don't care, if i did i would continue my college career.

see when i go this long i have way too much to write, all the stuff going on in my head and outside of my head.

i don't know if i'm going ot get my painting for class done in time, i was supposed to work on it the last 4 days bcuase i brought it home becasue it's taking me too long and at the rate i'm currently going in class it will not be done.

crapcrapcrap.

i'm so excited for when this is over and i wait out the last few months of living here without a job or school.

i will be a bum.

only not, in my mind it will be like these past 4 days have been, only minus the warm glow of the christmas tree that literally transforms the whole mood of the room and my dad will be working, my sisters schooling here.

i want to put these last four days on a loop please.

oh yeah and for the first time lillie and i took christmas pictures and they are sew kute. i made her a bow and myself a matching one out of christmas ribbon stuff and we sat on the rocking chair in front of the tree and i held her and we were cute, it was quite a feat becuase she does not like being held, for even a second, at all, she immediately goes into feral cat mode and puts her ears back and pushes off from whatever surface she can find on me with her toenails, i can't remeber the last time we got a picture together not on macbook. even on macbook she's in weasel mode.

we're going to start doing it every year i concluded, wear matching bows and take a christmas picture.

mother daughter christmas picture.

ooo we should get her gams in on the one next year! 3 generations of ladies!

i'm not joking about any of this unfortunately, i am a master at improv-ing words in well known songs to be about lillie.

it's pretty cool.

I'm hot I'm sweating I don't know why

Maybe it was the hot water on my hands

Ate so much food i got a side stitch. Apparently you get those from both consuming food and exercising it off.

Our last Thanksgiving here. Home. Next year, I have absolutely no idea what it will be like.

We'll be in Texas, that's all I know.

What will our house look like?

Will Lillie still be whiny all day pacing around wanting attention while we eat dinner?

Will she still have her box?

Will all of my family members be there? All four cats?

What does my room look like?

Will the food taste the same?

Will we be alone or at someone's house?

Will we have people over?

Who?

Will I have a boyfriend to eat dinner with?

A best friend?

Will I still be painting?

Will I be in art school?

Or have a job?

What job?

Will I like it?

What is outside like?

What are the people like?

This is the biggest unknown I've consciously been aware of, when I was younger we moved around alot but it'd differnt, wherever I went we would stay the same. The same furniture in the house, I didn't have to work, I didn't have responsibilities, my life consisted solely within our home with my family. 

But this move, I know nothing. Nothing except we are 95% moving to Texas, and we are moving in April.

It's unknown. 

When I was younger I used to think that when I was 16 I'd feel differnt, Id think of my new self, then I turned 16 and realized I had the same mind.

I then thought about myself being 17, I pictured myself tall for some reason, in my head these older versions of myself were completely different, like different people, I wanted to hold on to the way I felt right then but knew that when I was 17 or 18 I'd be different.

But I turned 18 and my mind is the same. I am the same exact person, differnt thoughts but it wasn't as if I was brainwashed and a new 18 year old Chelsea person.

I used to think about my wedding day, even now, I think about it and almost think I wish I could be there, for some reason I still don't feel like that will really be me, the same me.

Having a child? 

I feel like who I am now will get left behind as my body keeps growing and changing and life moving around it.

I feel like I'm going to get left behind.

But that's not true. Because I am almost 19.

Even now I think that, myself being 21, I think I'll be so differnt, I can't imagine myself.

So yes, I think about next Thanksgiving and I feel like that me, that me in Texas will be differnt, won't write in this, will be more efficient and the me right now will stay here in Hawaii.

It's so incredibly strange. I'm glad I finally put it somewhere, all these thoughts in my head I 've had for years on the subject.

That's what this is for, things in my head for me to look back on, and Lord willing I'm not a new version of myself I will remeber these times, these feelings.

I can't imagine having a boyfriend. I don't want one, I hate all that crap that comes with it, the waiting for him to text, reading into what he's saying and what he actually means. I hate all of that.

For some reason I feel like I desrve a man as handsome as a celebrity, with the personality of a leading man.

The highest of expectations is what I have. Not an actual celebrity but someone who is beautiful.

Someone grand, maybe that one person will be so wonderful I won't even do the games, the waiting and wondering.

I'd like to think that's how it's going to be.

I'm excited.

But I don't want that now. So please heart, don't get a crush and turn me into that girl.

I brought my painting home to work on over the weekend becasue it's taking me too long. i like it so far, it's just taking ffooorrreeeevvveeerrr longer than anyone else's in the class, so long that my amazing teacher said this can count for two projects because originally we were all supposed to copy a master painting, which i'm doing, and then do another one after but i'm not going to get around to the second one. there's just too many details.

i was feeling really odd today, my leg shook and rattled the entire time i was painting, every time it touched the ground, and i got dizzy and blurry alot.

i need to find my glasses prescription becuase i do not want to go back to the eye doctor just becuase i lost my prescription like last time. i remeber the last time i got it and was all i will not lose this i have to make sure i don't lose it, but i've lost it and really want some glasses for christmas, i already have them picked out on zenni optical.

i've realized that i don't really want that much stuff for christmas...it's weird. maybe i just haven't thought it through yet.

i mailed the packages today! finally! i kept putting it off for one reason or the ohter, i think i was just confused on the whole procedure. it was fun getting them all mailed off to the nice people!

exclamation points make writing look immature and cheesy.

ilovecranberrysauce

we're suppoed to start going through al the sseaons of "lost" tomorrow as a fmaily, we did way back when, well, over the summer my moma nd sisters and i because my dad was still gone, its was so fun, turing off all the lights every evening when i got home from work and watching it for hours all together.

now we're hoping to do the exact same thing only with my dad now too.

the taylor swift songs running through my head every waking minute have not subsided, i'm not suprised, it's not like i've stopped listening to her.

it's only natural they should haunt me.

i haven't been sleeping well recently which is weird becuase i've always been able to sleep thorugh the night without a problem, since i was like 6 months.

or since i was 9. anyways, i've never had sleeping problmes at all.

my new insult is soooo good from "freeway" 

     "look who got beat with the ugly stick!"

and i love brtitany murphy, the old one who played crazy people so well and makes me want to be an actress again so i can play roles like hers, and funny ones too.

now she's making D-list movies and is married to a creepy old fat guy with a combover.

i have bazillions of CSI's to watch.

Geez 100 posts. All in a few months time, I write too much nonsense.

Anyways, we traded my DVR box for a newer one and when you do that they give you all the channels for free for like a week. All the HBO and Starz ones, tons and tons of movie channels. I'm going bonkers trying to go through all of them and record them before the time is up. I'm saving sooo much money not using Blockbuster

I have these scheduled:

Gone in 60 Seconds (I'm a huge Jolie fan and haven't seen this one yet)

The Darjeeling Limited (Jason Schwartzman, nuf said.)

Jane Austen Book Club

Pretty in Pink (still haven't seen that and my mom's been bugging me about it)

Goya's Ghosts (Natalie Portman!)

For Your Consideration (J Kras rite?)

Fear (My mom wants to see it again)

To Die For (Nicole Kidman)

Stranger than Fiction (I fell asleep trying to only catch the Maggie parts)

Romeo and Juliet (the Leo one)

Day before yesterday my mom told me I watched too much tv, that I had to cut down on what shows I record, she said five so I quickly thought of the ones I had to keep. Turns out I have like 5 regular weekly ones, plus The Office but that's recorded in the living room. And I can watch Hillz online.

But I wanted to record all the CSI's on Spike, well all the Las Vegas ones to watch with my mom because she's getting into that show because Liev Schrieber or whatever his lst name is.

Plus I wanted to start watching the new Law and Orders because I think the bearded guy is hot.

And I like "Bones" it plays on TNT once a week. Plus I've been bored so I was recording random Cold Cases.

Eek.

Pretty much everything is the same, I'll stop recording the cold cases...and Bones because I'd like to see all the seasons from the beginning but it's sooo good.

Um, that's all. As long as I stay on top of all the dishes and spend more time in the living room it should be fine.

I don't know why I like tv so much, there isn't much else to do besides read.

Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal. I always ask for it for my birthday but it always ends up falling through.

I've done good on eating better, I lost a pound since yesterday and I'm cutting out sugar soda and trying to avoid fast food.

Oh great, my dad is making cookies.

i don't feel there is anything wrong with wanting a romantic comedy love story.

watching "the wedding date" with my mom right now, it's almost 2am. it's really nice. sometimes i just really want someone to hold and kiss, not like anyone before.

I got a B on my last essay, that's friggin awesome. last time I got a middle C, the average student gets a C...I'm so proud of myself, i never wrote an essay before this class and I made a B for a paper.

"life doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet"

I'm always hot recently. I hate being hot. I decided to start recording when i get dizzy spells or vertigo or whatever you want to call it.

Tonight Lillie was on my lap and i was on my computer and out of the corner of my eye i saw the brown teddy bear fall off the bed and thought it was her head for a second, geez it scared me.

My goals:

Learn French fluently.

Come in contact with the *greatest man in the world and marry him.

Do an artistic thing well.

Make a profit off of it, no matter how small.

Get a Lillie-dedicated tattoo.

Get to the point where I truly don't care about what anyone thinks of my outfits.

Learn to play the guitar.

See Coldplay live with my mom.

Get published.

Adopt a teacup chihuahua.

And a Paul Anka dog.

Travel the USA from a car taking thousands of photographs.

Have a baby.

Travel abroad.

Feel truly beautiful, not always less than.

Grow my nails out a tad.

Read too many books.

Inspire people around me.

Adopt a child.

Have my own large collection of books I never get rid of. My library.

Try not to let my shyness not come off as snobbery so much.

Get married in my Vera Wang gown. (yeahrite)

Be loving and kind to everyone around me.

Be myself.

Stop having demons of my past haunt me every day.

Be truly and completely adored by a man, my husband.

Be pursued by him. A leader.

Be comfortable singing in front of people.

Meet kindred spirited girls.

Get my ears pierced and not have the phobia.

To not desire soda.

See bazillions of Independent films.

Help an endangered species.

Put my huge heart to use by volunteering at an animal shelter.

Write a book.

Be someone's muse.

Stop loving Jim Halpert/John Krasinski so much. Unless we get hitched, then it's ok.

Have a best friend. A grand one.

Become solid in my faith and relationship with the Lord.

Put my "special" alternate voice to use.

And many more that will hit me in the hours and days to come and I will wish I put on here.

*Meaning being the man of my wildest dreams. Someone who is completely handsome and confident, humble and funny, smart and Godly, non-judgemental and full of love and facial hair. My list is longer and is open to many tweaks along the way but it's hard to describe a feeling in my heart when I think about this blurry person.

eek my head's reallly dizzy, it's hard being on the computer. i just leanred that my final exam is on december 17, i thought it would be way earlier! dang....i'm so done with this class.

i have to write a first draft before tomorrow morning for this essay on whether or not we should medicate children for depression...

but lillie's sleeping on my bed and i really just want to get in bed with her and watch the CSI's that I recorded...

i decided to try and eat better. and since i haven't really been going to the gym (phase over maybe i no rite) i mainly laze around the house.

i keep gaining weight and i keep watching what i eat, the portions and shiz but it keeps slowly raising. it makes me sooo mad. this all started in the summer when my mom and i would eat alot at night and it's just increased and i'm eatin wayyyy less.

doesn't make sense.

i'm not fat, but i feel really fat. like my mom is all "you looks so much better, you were wayyy too skinny before" but all i think when she says that is i want to go back to that plz.

sure my boobs have increased, and my hips, i'm all scarjo'd up but i still feel fat. none of my jeans fit my new womanly hips.

so yeah. eating better, and doing "yoga" meaning inventing it on my own since i don't want to pay for anything.

jsut laying about on the floor stretching myself in awkward silent positions.

it'll be good, to eat better...and it'll make me feel better for lazing so much. i'm just so tired all the time, physically and mentally.

eating crap and laying in bed = the super overweight people on TLC

i'm kind of obsessed with long hair parted in the middle.

darn bangs.

it doesn't seem possible to have so many phone numbers. we only have 10 different single numbers, yet there are millions of different variations, none of them the same?

even with area codes...it doesn't make total sense to me.

kind of like how i still marvel at how airplanes stay in the air, that doesn't make sense either, i know i know it's a gas fire blablah thing but still.....a huge metal craft containing 100 or so people? plus luggage and tons of other crap?

just chilling in the air?

seriously.

i came across this idea a few months ago, a fleeting idea but i want to write it down in case i forget when i have the opportunity meaning the space and such.

i think coffee circle are wonderful, you know when your coffee cup leaves and brown circle on paper? it looks almost like unintentional water colors. i want to incorporate those circles somehow for a picture.

my belief on my personal painting is i won't usually paint realistic-just-like-real-life paintings, that's what CAMERAS are for.

drawings maybe too, that's kind of different though...i don't know how to explain it. or even if it begs an explanantion.

i'm going to eng. class soon. only that though, its only an hour.

i'm excited to actually start painting on my own though. i haven't even done that yet. new house will have room. for oils.

i keep this to blurt out all my words, unedited and mostly useless but if one day i write a book, maybe some day i'll write about my life. or want to remember things, i can go through these scribbles of nonsense and dig out any of the true and lasting explanatory things and edit them correctly.

it's like when you're making cupcakes and you pour a whole bunch of sprinkles on the frosted cake then you turn it upside down to let the excess sprinkles fall off leavinig you with some still stuck on.

anyways. some day i want to dye my hair a real color. i've wanted to for a year or so but never seriously considered it because my hair is so dark and thick it would probably ruin it.

but someday i want to. 

life is short. shorter now. shorter than ever.

i need to stop listening to taylor swift, i constantly have her songs swilring in my head, it's ridiculous and it's getting annoying because i don't always want to listen to her...