Christmas Season

my sisters have two christmas parties this season.

i however, have had none. instead i have filled that void and all the other voids that i have from my own personal preference with copious amounts of CSI.

The original mind you, the spin offs don't compare.

I so wish I had a gap between my teeth. Jorja Fox is beautiful.

I really love this blog, it is wrapped with warm hugs from me.

I'm going to go....watch CSI.

i either consciously or subconsciously or a mixture of them both make boys i don't like, like me. why? for the attention? probably not. it ends up ticking me off when they do start liking me.

and the ones i do like? they date stupid girls. i know they're stupid from a single tiny facebook photo of one making a weird face.

stupid. she looks incredibly average and normal.

she is one of those. you know, everyone besides the we's.

and i just don't understand. of course i'll never make the first move. so i just sit, and watch boys i barely know and who are only mildy aware of my existence date and date.

they don't know what they're missing.

and i will get married to a scruffy MAN and he will say "AHA! at them you wicked losers, you missed out on manic pixie dream girl chelsea.

you guys suck, have nice life with your average girls who experience emtotions on one level always.

have fun with the ones that go to college and get nice jobs and are happy with them and the children they pop out and the default clothing of the decade."

yes. he is quite a man my husband. quite. a. man.

i have to take care of david now and watch csi, david keeps pulling his hair out and has started on his belly. he's so stressed. if it gets worse he may have to join the rest of the 5/6 of our family and go on psychiatric medications.

oh yes. and what i just did was word puke. the thing i did earlier about my dad was not word puke. it's was more...slow, and thought out. maybe like snot. only not gross, sparkly snot.

kbyez.

The song I cannot stop listening to

I wish I could make it so everyone who reads this can download it and listen to it

over and over.

I can't stop. It 's one of those songs, that almost make you want to cry.

It stirs up an emotional mixture of happiness and sadness

and all other things and I feel like I just might cry for lack of anything else to do

I wish I could sing. And make that feeling, and share it.

(sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson "winter song")

a blog a day keeps the blues away

Christmas shopping started and finished sans a tie today. I hate crowds and I hate shopping, this is true.

I took a long time at Borders, go figure. My dad amused himself by squealing to me about the prostitutes he thinks he sees at the in-store Starbucks. He's freaking out and making the lady next to me in the Psychology aisle giggle, yeah it's funny. I tell him to shoosh, well, I actually reach a yelling tone because he just won't stop running back and forth whispering excitedly, he then takes out his phone to take a picture. That's when I reached that yelling tone.

He finally slinks off somewhere but of course when I find him again he's still raving about how they're actually shopping in the store walking around. I told him of course, they are allowed to. I tell him he's acting like some 12 year old boy.

Finally when I'm almost done and have made my way up towards the front of the store, where those bargain paperbacks are? Oh yes. And he starts fuh-reaking out because he sees them in the checkout line and will I look over because he is not joking. I refused. I never looked their way so I have no idea if they were indeed "prostitutes" or just slutty tittas.

It was chilly the other night. 75 degrees with the low of 69. It was so nice. I wore a scarf and then later wrapped it around my head, then I took a snowy picture because I learned how to download more feature for free for photobooth.

                                      nails that can only be explained by a miracle of sorts.

My hair is shorter. I figured, hey those gnarly blonde streaks that break off and twirl into all directions and lengths they're so dead can just be cut off.

I was hoping for shorter layers equaling big voluminous curls. It's kind of working.

I cry after every hair cut, it's just a part of life.

I'm sure I'll be giddy just as soon as I pair it with makeup.

Keep thinking. Dead hair is gone. This is good. You don't have that gnarly orangey stuff anymore.

I would like to marry a man like Nick Stokes on CSI please. Especially in the episode where he keeps believing that little girl is alive and he saves her out of the swamps with a slit neck.

I have alot of CSI on my dvr that need to be consumed via my eyeballs.

I feel like my worth to my dad is based on what I do. He keeps bringing up jobs, even though I told him over and over that I'm not going to get a job for three months and then move, plus I doubt anyone would want to hire someone like that.

But yet he bring home flyers to work in the framing shop on base, then a few days later meaning today he gives it to me again after I left it in the living room, I said I didn't want to frame things and cut glass, he said it'll teach me skills, like learning something and getting paid.

Then he said, see you'll learn a valuable skill, what skills do you have now.

I let that hang in the air and in the new manner of trying not to let him get to me and not try to uselessly defend myself I walked away and got in the shower.

I've just been depressed today, even without the hair thing. Just very slow, that happens when I'm depressed or whatever I am. I think slowly, I move slowly, I miss entire conversations when keep my head in a book all day and wonder how I could not hear things around me in retrospect.

I'm ok with it. I'm ok with my emotions and in and out sadness and feelings of hopelessness.

I've been made aware of so much these past months, it's strange. I'm aware of the things I do and am able to determine why I do them. I'm aware that I'm blatantly aware of myself and am usually at peace with it.

I finally put two and two together and told my psychiatrist that I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies, I never really wanted to think about the things I do, the tapping my elbows in threes and my feet, one foot down then the other then jump and put them together on the ground. Even when I'm driving I take my feet off the brake pedal. I never wanted to admit it because I despise it when people categorize themselves and make it a verb or way of being. Not an actual disorder.

Oh I like my books in color order because I'm soooo OCD.

Or, I get restless in class because I have ADHD or ADD.

But when I told her about the things I do, amongst other things she said I definitely did have tendencies or something.

I feel like I have to put everything or most everything down here as I think of them or I might forget. I'll write one thought or subject and then think of another and instead of saving it for another day I feel I have to get it down now in case I forget. I want to get it out.

That's why I write so much. I don't want to have this tiny revelation about my personality or views or just general thoughts and opinions and not write them down and then forget about them.

This way I'll have them. I'll be putting myself in definitive type form.

I made it known that I wanted to pursue art instead of going back to traditional college at this time. He didn't understand. I knew he wouldn't. I was still hurt, even though I knew it would be that way I was still discouraged.

Now I'm afraid to paint. I haven't yet. I don't want to prove to myself and those around me that I really can't do it.

Lillie has acne on her chin. It's ok.

I don't have a job, or school. I need to paint. 

Even though I'm afraid.

maybe it's not as easy as i thought. it's supposed to be hard, thu the sacrifice part. the persecution. we're not supposed to want to do it all the time with a smile on our faces.

it's about laying down our life every hour of every day. and accepting that we are mere mortals, stupid children who think they can achieve great things and be things that matter, we are nothing without Him though.

I thought the source of my horrible recurring stomachaches were meant for me to be forced to reflect, and that is what i came up with.

so i hope the aches and sickness stop now. please.

a feeling i've always wanted and now have had for a long enough time to believe that it is no longer fleeting therefore i can pay attention to it and be grateful without the fear that this awareness will plunge me under and i will be without it once again.

i don't think about guys, especially this week. i've been so consumed with painting and my teacher and what i have to offer and what i want to do, all of it has centered around that and it has taken up my life.

i no longer feel i just bide time until i meet my soulmate. i have a purpose that i can do for as long as i live, something that i hope will fulfill me.

i need to reconnect with my Lord as always though, every time i drift i know it but there's this force pushing me away from picking up my Bible.

how strange that it has been so long since i have written in this.

i have seen it on my toolbar but have restrained from clicking it.

partly because i wanted to start writing on paper more.

partly becuase i felt like i have too many self expressive outlets already.

they each have their own category though.

tumblr is where i keep pictures, pictures that i may want to remember, a storage place i suppose so i don't fill my computer up with graphics.

livejournal, for the friends, the communities and for clean organized postings.

this for absolutely whatever comes out of my head. here i please only myself, so i can ramble, not capitalize, talk about stupid worthless things. whatever.

i don't think anyone really understands two big things in my life right now:

the fact that my nails are growing out, i can text and am starting to be able to type with some of my nails.

that is huge because as long as i can remeber i've ALWAYS had short nails becuase i've ALWAYS had this problem with picking at them, most people don't understand, the asian ladies at nails salons keep thinking i'm a biter even though i explain to them that i very rarely bite my nails.

i've tried for years, all sorts of things, i really thought it was one of those things i would never stop becuase i do it without thinking, i can do it with just one hand and not even realize it, it was almost out of my control.

then these past few weeks i stopped, i don't know what happened, maybe i was more busy...i don't know, then i looked and saw that they were getting longer so i painted them and that helped for under a week so i took the polish off and they were...long. for me, short for most people, i can see the whites and when i make a fist i can feel them in my palm.

i never thought i'd see the day, unless i permanantly wore gloves, or my medication changed because i think it was just part of that and/or an anxiety disorder.

the other thing is the fact that kate hudson is wearing my dress in her new movie "bride wars" i've had this dress picked out, saved on my computer for literally years. it's vera wang and it's my dream dress for all these years and i was going through an usweekly a month or so ago and there was a picture from the movie and it was so weird, seeing "my" dress on someone, i wanted to yell at everyone and tell them that my dress was in a magazine and that is so cool.

i told my mom, she didn't think it was thatcool. no one does, but i do. now i'm afraid that it will get popular though and the prices will rise rise rise and i REALLY won't be able to get it for my wedding, like i can now. as if. or that it will sell out.

regardless, my dress has made it from it's permanant spot on my mahspaze page to the bigscreen. and if anyone watches that movie you will see it, the beauty of it. it even has that green sash, down to a t.

i've been painting so much, becuase i was and am behind. yesterday from 1 to 6:30 and today from 12 to 6:30 off and on.

i asked mr. h is he thought i had talent, he said he didn't think i had raw talent but i have skills and have progressed very well over the course of the semester.

he talked about how some people are just born with a "gift" and it comes naturally but alot of times they take it for granted and let it go to waste, not use it or push themselves.

he said that the ones with the real passion for art will succeed. he said he doesn't have the "gift" he's just been doing it for so long.

this man knows so much, he's hilarious and warm and he has a neverending plethora of knowledge, he paints, draws, cooks, graphic design, sculpting, photography, you name it. i think the one thing he doesn't do is sewing and the pottery wheel. i talked to him for a long time today and he talked about how he got to where he is now, he never stopped learning. he got his master's and went into teahching them drifted off to all sorts of differnet fields, stage production etc. even now he's taking classes learning the traditional way of painting, making your own paint etc. he is constantly learning new things and he retains all of it. 

i want to take his drawing class next semester, even though i won't be able to finish it, i cna't see myself sitting back for 3 or so months when i could be leanring more from him, even though i think i like painting mroe than drawing they aren't even offering the next level of painting this semester.

i was talking to him about this, how my dad may not want to pay for the class if i'm not even finishing it, or just in general. he suggested independent study and he even said i could just come to class, not even register, that is how amazing he is. i wouldn't do that, i would feel way too bad, he's already teaching above the full time load but only getting paid part time. yet he remebers everyone's names, detials about their lives. all of it.

if my life works the way i want it to, meaning i go to some sort of art shcool or take classes, basically just do art as my main source of living, my profession like i want to he will be to credit for it. i've always enjoyed art but never took a class or anything, never excelled until this class, this teacher.

i wish everyone who likes art could meet him.

aaaaanyways. life is good, i'm almsot done with the english class, i make small talk with the teacher so that's good, i just have the final that has to be completely written in the coputer lab in two hours, an essay on an essay, we have the essay we're writing about but we can only underline tings, we can't write parts of what we're ging to write basically, it has to all be in our head.

the last time we didi this for the 2nd essay i choked. i just cannot work under a time constraint, in a room surrounded by people.

so im going to try to accept that and not freak out. to just be calm about doing badly at it and hope that my other essay make up for it.

i STILL need to tell my dad i'm not attending traditional college anymore.

and i need to figure out a way to explain to him what art school is becuase he doesn't know. plus he's one of those people who won't understand. he thinks with the opposite side of the brain that i do, i was having trouble with the stairs in my picture in class a few days ago and mr. h had to draw a whole diagram, i saw the stairs, the side of the sinding stairs and i saw what i had done and i saw that they were not matching but i could literally not see why, what exactly the problem was. like in math, my head gets to this point where i literally cannot see it. mr. h said that he encounters that probelm with people alot, alot of people in the arts and such field that he works with cannot do the  lines and math and such and he used to not understand becuase he didn't have a problem but then he figured out that alot of people just can't because it requires the other side of the brain, you know? it's how people are wired, just like some people don't understand paintings or drawings, blending and shading and all that stuff, it has to do with out brains.

and that is why i nothting of my high school math, and wy i literlally guessed on 9 out of 10 questions on the compass test for math. i can multipply, divide, add subtract and such, some fractions but other than that i really don't remeber anyting, and i don't see the point in trying to learn it for no reason becuase i will ultimatley forget it like  i have my whole life.

it's pointless, that's why i want ot go to school where i can work with the other side of my brain.

i just hope that i don't ever have to do any of the digital art stuff, on computers, graphics...stuff like that.

my neck hurts.

geeeez.