C H A R A C T E R S

2009-10-29T09:00:00.001-10:00

Derek: How are you holding up? Hmmm? (Kisses her) You've been up for like, what... 36 hours?
Meredith: 48. But, I'm good actually. I feel like it's all gonna be ok. Like we're all gonna keep our jobs, and we're all gonna be amazing people, and live amazing lives. (feels her forehead, Mer giggles) Unstable childhood.
Derek: (Smiles) Ah, yes.
Meredith: I get calm in a crisis. This is a crisis right?

2009-10-03T17:07:00.000-10:00

2009-10-03T16:57:00.002-10:00

I just remembered that I had a horrible dream last night that someone killed Shiloh and then Knox and Vivenne. And I cried alot for Brangelina, and I think I would cry if it really happened also. Not even ashamed.

2009-10-03T16:55:00.002-10:00

Dvd buy list:

Because I Said So

Runaway Bride

Raising Helen

Because I Said So

2009-10-01T17:51:00.003-10:00

Part of me wants to keep my major, finish up with an AA in journalism and then try to go to art school.

Part of me wants to change my current major to art.

Part of me wants to stop college after this semster and try to go to art school (with absolutely no money)

Part of me wants to just take art classes (in addition to going to school or working)

Basically I'm more confident that I want to pursue art even though I don't have the "raw talent"

But my brain tells me that I should finish up my degree in journalism because I also have talent in writing.
I don't want to pick between the two!

But sssshshhhhh. I still needa pray about it.

2009-09-26T09:35:00.005-10:00

I just had to move all of the photos that have been chillin on my desktop for so long and cluttering it up.

2009-09-20T16:37:00.001-10:00

2009-09-19T06:31:00.002-10:00

2009-09-19T06:26:00.000-10:00

Story of my life.

2009-09-12T17:27:00.007-10:00

I'm exausted from lack of sleep and spreading hay around a field/husking corn, which granted me a painful blister. My room is a pit, I have tons of homework due and I am having the hardest time trying to crochet. I also feel like I need to take a shower. And I'm hungry. And this "earnestly praying for someone else" thing doesn't seem to be working.
But it's not about me. I am honestly so lucky. All of these are so good and a dream for so many people. I had the opportunity to help out on a ranch/farm and I was able to see real fresh corn, and shuck it and deem it good or chicken food. It's so pretty. I was able to love on some adorable doggies that were hilarious and beautiful. I got to use a rake and go out in a field and spread hay around and make myself sickly tired but I didn't have to do that for long. I got to help people in a very small way. I got to eat breakfast this morning, and coffee. I was able to listen to my new worship mix cd I made and drive in a car with leather seats and safety. I was able to see a doctor to help my mind and the chemicals in it, even though I'm not in dire need, I have the advantage of people caring enough to help me be the best I can be in that area. I got to eat Chick-fil-a even if it did make me sick. I went to Barnes and Noble, nuff said. I am lucky to have a mom who bought me a wondeful lunch and then desserts at Sonic. She also bought me some starter crocheting stuff, I was able to try and learn how to crochet. I have a family who loves me and one who looks up to me even though she never stops talking. I have a fantastic therapist. I have hope, a guy in my head who I really wish would skiddadle. I'm not ill, I have so much stuff that I don't need that it's filling up my room. I get to go to sleep in a fantastic cozy bed with as many blankets and warmth as I need. I have the best daughter/cat in the world. I get to go to church tomorrow and worship God without any fear.

Most of all I have a future that goes beyond death. I have the greatest privilege of having the God of the universe care enough about me to care what I'm thinking at every single moment and who takes care of me, I don't have to worry, ever. Ever. Maybe I have the privilege of having a future husband out there somewhere, who God is making for me and helping me, alot, to be ready for him too. I am so, so, so fortunate. I am safe from everything in the entire world, both physical and spiritual and every other "al" in existence.

That is the real truth that is so easy to exist when I focus on the trivial things that upset me.

2009-09-10T16:31:00.002-10:00

I just figured out/accomplished linking up all my blogs because they're on two separate email addresses so it was alot of going back and forth signing in and out and accepting permissions from myself back and forth until it was sorted out.

Aaand I hate cleaning my room, but I hate laundry more. And laundry is more important.

School wise:
SOCIOLOGY-
Quiz 1, 10/25 (I didn't know we had a quiz that day and I got there late and I didn't know it was two sided)
Quiz 2, 16/25 (there's no excuse for this one)
Quiz 3, 19/25 (this one was today, I still fail)
Essay paper thing, 44/50

ENGLISH-
Basically out of all the assignments I've received a check on all of them meaning I get full credit basically. It's so strange how ENG 200 is WAY easier than ENG 100 solely because of the separate teachers. It's ridiculous, I worked my butt off for a C+ last semester.

MATH-
Test 1, 96% (96/100)

In general I am so not doing as well as I want(ed) to.
There goes that "supa smart" girl identity I thought I might adopt.

Whatevs, my identity is "the girl who always has cat hair on her clothes."

2009-09-08T06:13:00.001-10:00

My ~religious~ blog:

http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com
http://deerdovelove.blogspot.com

2009-08-25T18:33:00.003-10:00

Best thing about college is girls talking to their friends about how "badass" smoking is and how they're a vegetarian because they don't eat red meat.

And I wonder why I don't find anyone there I'd like to be friends with. I don't really wonder anymore I don't think.

I hate to say it but sometimes algebra is kind of fun, until I get a problem wrong. Until then it's pretty cool though and my teacher is amaaaaazing.

In closing, I feel like all I think about when I'm online is coffee. And my new therapist is quite nice and unlike anyone I've ever seen in all of my 12 years of being in our glorious mental health system. She seems like a totally normal person, like just someone you'd talk to and be friends with, only a really wise friend. She doesn't seem "superior" I suppose is what it is. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just what comes with the territory of having a certain amount of knowledge and degree and etc.

Now I'm going to go brush my teef (not Tiffany though) and take my nail polish off and go to sleep because then I can wake up and have coffee.
And I ate some chocolate every time Lucas and Peyton were on screen, why? I don't know, call it a weird version of Pavlov's dog.

2009-08-20T09:52:00.001-10:00

I hate Jon Gosselin.

And I'm really tired. Suprise, suprise. I need a day or an evening off.
If I didn't have dishes and a little bit of laundry I could do that.

There are brief, fleeting moments that algebra is fun. INORITE?

2009-08-10T13:13:00.002-10:00

Journalism-photojournalism-touring with bands?

There's has to be some connection between journalism and working/touring with smaller bands, merch stuff, press, photography etc.

I'm excited to find that path. Well, for my Lord to show it to me if it's meant to be.

2009-07-19T20:19:00.003-10:00

Whoa ho ho dawg I think my vision's gettin worse because I just took my glasses off and my laptop screen, on my lap, is kinda wonky.
Not unviewable but not perfecto.

Snap I'm gonna need bifocals in the next 5 years and by that time my teensy areas of grey hair will have increased.
So I pretty much will be an old lady all around.
A crazy cat old lady that is.

KITTENS!

2009-07-19T10:21:00.000-10:00

hannah_sparkles
shutupchelsea
articulady
ghostbears
dovemoon

2009-07-08T17:39:00.002-10:00

I have an interview for that little bookstore tomorrow, and I totally thought I wasn't going to get one because I was supposedly supposed to get a call the 3rd week of June and it's the 2nd week of July almost.
But still, I don't deserve anything from Him. Like this.

I'm also volunteering at Heavenfest on August 8. Again, I filled out an app online a while ago but after a week or so I didn't think anything of it, I really didn't think I'd get it in the first place at all, it was mainly out of boredom that I filled the thing out.
But I'm so excited! Man! Again, I'm sucking at life recently, especially my spiritual life since I haven't been praying consistently at all and have barely been reading my Bible.

Aaand as soon as I get accepted I'm going to enroll for classes at PPCC, not that I won't be accepted because c'mon, they have to accept you (unfortunately).
Then after maybe a year or so, maybe even one semester, who knows I'll transfer.
Right now Patrick Henry is looking really swell but -
a.) It's expensive. Expensive.
b.) There's a scholarship offered for the complete Journalism study thing but I don't know if I'd be able to get that even if I become qualified because I'm starting out at a different college, I don't know. The scholarship requirements are pretty intense and because of my background in High School I tend to underestimate myself too severely perhaps. I really don't know, I don't have anything that proves whether I'm "smart" or not.
c.) It's in Virginia, that's far, far away. I have a hard time spending one night away from home, man.

Sometime I'll probably get into why I'm choosing journalism, but not now.
And the depression is fine during the day usually, it's when I'm about to go to sleep that I get a really nice, unhindered view of how my life is and what it looks like. It doesn't look anything like I'd like it too yet I cannot complain. I can't. Out loud at least.

Well Mom's threatening to turn GG on within an allotted time with or without me so I'm going to go and try not to yell. She's just really stressed recently and thus extremely, ridiculously moody.

Ps. Where are you Tiffany!?

2009-06-30T07:34:00.002-10:00

An analogy made by the pastor at church on Sunday.

Say you fill a glass with water, all the way to the very top and set it on the porch on a summer day, you make sure everyone knows to be careful and not knock it over.
A few months later you come outside to look at the glass, it will most likely be much emptier if not entirely. It will probably be dirty and you will doubtfully want to drink from it.

We should be continually filled with the Holy Spirit, not just one time but continually every day overflowing. Like the glass, filling up once and then thinking we're done won't really work.
And sometimes we'll leak, we'll probably leak a little every day but all we have to do is ask our Lord to fill us up again, overflowing.

2009-06-22T12:52:00.001-10:00

Oh, you know, just really depressed. Obviously.

2009-06-21T20:57:00.002-10:00

I left for Denverish on Saturday at noon and am now back on Sunday...well technically Monday at 12:20 am.

I didn't sleep well but that's to be expected since I didn't plan on staying there so I had to improvise, like getting a cute outfit at Walmart for only $11! Yeah.
Aaaand I went to 7/11 before leaving tonight and got a big coffee thing just in case it decided to affect me and help me not fall asleep at the wheel and die and it did! I am hyper. Or just affected, I'm affected.
And everyone is asleeping and I'm hungry. Aaand. I miss my monroe and I wish the hole wasn't closed up but I'm too nervous to even check for sure. And I wish I had my ears pierced and Lillie is losing her mind and I was a total fool on the last half of my trip home singing to Taylor in the car, full on "look at that freak in the car waving her hands around and bouncing in her seat while singing the the literal top of her lungs."
And it was sooo dark everywhere and sometimes when I'm around couples, or a couple that are genuinely happy I'm like "no fair I want a boyyyy" and then I think about jealousy and how I haz it.
Oh blah. Oh blah. I'm way too foolish for my own good. I'm a mess, an unbalanced mess and my yeses aren't always yeses and my nos aren't always nos. No's. Yes's.
Sometimes cars die and you have to "help" push them even though you don't want to because you never even wanted to go in the first place and you are painfully uncomfortable.

I have a hard time being a regular friendly person, I need social skills classes.
I don't know how to define myself, isn't that strange? And painfully irrelevent.

Dang sometimes I worry I'm going to marry someone so uncool and it's going to be so lame and then I'm like or God will choose to not have me marry at all and be like Corrie ten Boom and then I try to be okay with that but I'm pretty sure I'm lying even though I don't want to and Jesus knows when I'm lying.
But for serious Jesus I want a man dude. I want alot of things. I feel inadequate and average and unpretty and just less than.
Yeah, I should work on that because deep down I do know I'm a'ight.
Whateevr rrrrr I need to go to sleeepppp. I want to take a shower but I take those in the mornings now (yesssss!) so I can't or my showere schedule will be all messed up and that would be horrific.

Hey it's not so weird that there's not a guy in my life. Hey it's not. And it's not so weird to say the guy in my life is Jesus it just sounds kind of awkward coming out.
Hey.

7/11 coffeeee stuff is so gooooddd. Man I need an awesome job that you do homework at. Ok not need.
I need balance, I'm all I'm going to be set apart then Im all I want to go to a salon and get sparkley nails then I'm all I'm going to be a missionary then I'm all I want to wear makeup and stay here and....have friends or somethinggg.....and buy a purse.
I'm back and forth. I can't commit can I? Oh man I'm bad. Oh man it's not good. Lillie needs some weed or something because she's fuhreaking out.

2009-06-18T18:25:00.004-10:00

Looking at the pictures on here produce a feeling in me I can't explain, kind of like the one
i get when I look at houses, imagining all the lives and stories that go on and will go on and how it would be if it was my story.
Just overwhelming cannot categorize breathtaking.

Why must I be torn in so many different directions?
Husband, let us be travelling missionaries to orphans.
No, I don't need a husband. I just need my Lord.

And some more bravery, courage, money etc.

2009-06-14T10:33:00.002-10:00

Just as I have been awakened to the fact that some of us are not called to be missionaries, all of us are. Just as I have been scouring the internet trying to find organizations to help and minister to orphans and children both here and abroad but finding a limited amount or ones costing $3,000+
We went to church this morning, got to talking to the couple in front of us and learned that they're missionaries involved with an organization, I forgot the name. The man leads a study at the Air Force Academy and just recently went to a city in Africa for spring break to witness.

They're coming over for dinner on Tuesday, promising to look at the website with me and share pictures.

To be honest I haven't really even prayed that much at all about wanting to go somewhere, but still He knew. Of course He did.
I really just want to hug little children and orphans and show them love. That's all, I just want to go somewhere and shower little children with the love that haven't felt or experienced much if at all.

Right now it's pouring rain against my windows, it's so pretty! I've decided to start opening my blinds every day and letting sunshine in, and opening the windows to let the breeze in when it's warm outside, like this summer!
I'm still cleaning out my room, struggling with trying to get rid of stuff. I'm a renowned packrat feeling emotional attachment to almost every single item big or small but I know, I know I have way way too many "worldly treasures." So I'm trying to get rid of them, or at least put them away. Like my tv and dvd player are both in my closet, along with 90% of my dvd/tvd collection and my cd's as well.

Happy one week anniversary of my rededicated life to my Lord. Technically it was wanting to break all through last Saturday, then Saturday evening breaking down completely, and going to sleep later on, waking up on Sunday a changed person.
So yes, one week.

Ack, I don't want to work at C.B. anymore, I talked to a manager on Friday and we were going to discuss things futher but it didn't happen, either I need to work much less or not work at all because it's just not fair for them to pay me the same amount to work 2 tables as they could pay someone else to work 6 tables.
It's just not logical, there are other ways I can serve people because I'm going to miss bringing a smile to all of my customers faces.

I have a ridiculous amount of cash and my bank account is almost empty. I really don't care.
I really wish I could easily give my excess stuff somewhere where it's needed, not just to Goodwill where hipsters can re-buy it.
Ever since I learned about the woman who started the Salvation Army I have a new respect for it, even though it does blend in with all the other thrift store chains in essence it's different, so I'll probably drop stuff there eventually.

2009-06-11T14:57:00.002-10:00

I feel bad for being angry at the stupidity of so many teens today.
It's hilarious and enraging and sad all at the same time.

A relative I have is one of them. I know I should feel love for her and her friends but when they are like 14 with dark eyeliner and high flash self taken profile pictures, when they write blogs about religion and how stupid and expletive it is it's hard.
You think you're tough? That you're smart because you support Obama and he won the election, that you can take pictures in your bra and get photo comments.

Having many people agree with you is nothing if all those people are as wrong as you are. It's even worse.

Someday ever knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord.

..........

Last night at work some of the girls I'm "kind of" friends with, meaning I know their name and have talked to them more than 3 times. They were taking His name in vain, talking about prayer and making jokes about how if Jesus forgave their sins then it's ok to keep sinning right? And hahaha. No one was addressing me so I just stood there, at the time I thought about saying something but no one was addressing me, if they did then I would of course state my opinion.
But on the way home, I was thinking that that's an excuse we make. We sit back and let people go on and on stupidly, so while I was there waiting for my food to be up and they were giggling about praying "Lord help me not blankity blank that blank" and I'm silent and all that's going through my head is "One day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord."

So next time, if there is one, I think I'm going to say something. I'm going to try and I pray that God gives me his words and courage and eloquence at that time.
Somewhere in the Bible it says something about how it's good if we're persecuted because that means we're doing something right, in the right context of course. They ridiculed Him so when they ridicule us we should be glad! For we are in fact shining Him and others are reacting the way He predicted.
Something like that.

2009-06-09T21:01:00.003-10:00

I've given up so much these last few days, yet my sacrifices pale in comparison to anything He ever has done.

We went to Mardel today, I had totally wiped out my entire Itunes library yesterday so I needed cd's, Christian ones. I ended up with 4, one being a total Phil Wickham knock-off but I love Phil so why not?
Also to Hobby Lobby where I decided that I should not go in there ever again because all it does is promote selfishness and discontent in me, I got 3 posters there because they were on sale. Everything was 50% off in that store.

Cracker Barrel's not for me, I'm on the lookout for a job more suited to my slowness and attention to detail.

I want to love orphans.

2009-05-20T13:30:00.003-10:00

I've never really been a big John Mayer person. Sure his music was alright, but it was never buy-the-cd worthy or myspace profile song important. And sure, he's cute. But only recently have I discovered that I'm mildly enamored with him. And it's only since following him on twitter (I made one just so I could follow interesting ones, I don't update). It's like that feeling after you've had a dream with a celebrity, the next day and perhaps weeks after you feel like you know them. Only I don't remember having a JM dream. #1 He's passionate about music and he's funny (watch)

#2 He likes The Land Before Time movies (you know those cartoons with the dinosaurs-Little Foot etc?) And I do too, matter a fact I bought 2 and 3 on DVD recently at Walmart. #3

He's awesome

You have such a generous spirit. Thank you. RT @bellagrican you r adorable if i ever date a white guy ill holler ;)

Hey twitttterversh.. Commeer. (Throws arms haphazardly around you.) I... No, serioussssly...I... I love you, man. NO! He- hear me out. 4:21 AM May 16th from TwitterBerry

I wonder if when I have a wife I'll be allowed to climb into bed with cereal and milk. 5:44 AM May 14th from web

My tickets say right here, in colored penciOH MY GOD I'VE BEEN DUPED. 10:29 PM May 12th from TwitterBerry

I'm at the Staples store in downtown LA but I don't see any sight of a basketball game. What gives? 10:28 PM May 12th from TwitterBerry 5:44 AM May 14th from web

And women. Who loved men. 8:57 PM May 9th from TwitterBerry

"Women loved him. And he loved women. And he loved men." 8:56 PM May 9th from TwitterBerry

If you put the two most popular rumors about me together, you get a gay womanizer. I love this. 7:38 PM May 9th from TwitterBerry

I smell like the safety bar on a roller coaster. 1:22 PM May 3rd from web

Getting these little ones off to school. I didn't recognize the bus driver this morning. Or the bus. Looked more like a van, reaOH MY GOD. 6:23 AM Apr 30th from web

Does anyone else capitalize every word in the subject line of an e-mail like I do? Is this wasted time on my end or does it connote class? 3:25 AM Apr 30th from web

I've been experimenting with trying to cut out the guitar face while playing but I just don't think it will ever be a reality. Whoops. 4:15 PM Apr 22nd from TwitterBerry

Tip: When eating Peeps, bite the head off the first one and replace it in the package for 15 minutes so that the others may know their fate. 2:54 PM Apr 12th from web

Dear sugar cookies - you are wonderful. Sometimes I pretend I want to eat Subway just so I can have you. Don't go changing, okay? Love you. 4:14 AM Apr 11th from TwitterBerry

I GET IT NOW!! I'm chatty! RT @SoOnandSoForth Subscribing to mobile alerts from @johncmayer was a bad choice. #celebrityspam 7:00 PM Apr 3rd from web

Hold on, I think I know what this is about... RT @SoOnandSoForth Subscribing to mobile alerts from @johncmayer was a bad choice. 7:00 PM Apr 3rd from web

If you put the two most popular rumors about me together, you get a gay womanizer. I love this. 7:38 PM May 9th from TwitterBerry

2009-05-16T18:21:00.001-10:00

"I was taught that candles are like house cats-- domesticated versions of something wild and dangerous." -Sloane Crosley (author of I Was Told There'd Be Cake)

2009-05-08T14:47:00.002-10:00

I go to Cracker Barrel, I ask for the manager. He gets paged and comes over, he is a large man. Tall and big, I felt supremely small. I smiled and gave him my application, asked if he was hiring etc. he said to come in on Monday to talk to some other managers and to take it from there.

So...a job interview? But he didn't even get a chance to look at my app.

It's so strange, in all social atomospheres I am awkward and shy. But when I'm in the "working mode" when dealing with customers and wanting to get a job I'm smiley chipper friendly Chelsea. But I can't do that in other social situations.

Otherwise I bet I'd have a tons of friends.

My voice gets higher too.

Ps. Cracker Barrel = C.B. equals my initials.

2009-05-05T14:35:00.001-10:00

I'd rather be jobless than have a job I didn't even like.

If I'm going to stick to that I need to not go to Target anytime soon....dresses...

2009-04-19T04:42:00.002-10:00

Most of my dreams are feelings. There are actions, sequences etc. but the lasting effect is the feeling I get from them. And it makes me so upset sometimes that I can't explain the feeling, recounting the dream, what happened in it does nothing.

I think I was getting married, out of this world plans. I don't think I knew the guy very well, he was getting me all this stuff though. Setting up just outrageously gorgeous bedding ideas and I could see in, different rooms considered, like an upscale hotel of some sorts with crazy whimsical rooms.

I remember he wasn't very handsome, I remember a friend coming with her husband, a husband I always thought she could do better with and I told her about this guy and how I always thought I would marry someone completely different.

He was blonde, I remember that.

I'm sure he was handsome, just not the way that I pictured.

But I just remember these big huge plans that were all for me, he was catering to me and it wasn't creepy and I wasn't all worried about marriage or him or techinical things at all. None of it crossed my mind, it was like I was just floating around happy. Then something happened and we had to reschedule. I remember being upset ad hurt.

But the feeling I got from the dream is good, I know that. I can't imagine any of this hapening in real life, I won't be able to just float around as this stranger plans these things and part of me is sad that this dream can never come true.

I have to come back downt to earth and look at all the real things, the trust, money, being certain, blahblahblah.

But I like the feeling. Even if I can't really put it into words, I'm hoping that by jotting down what I do remeber the feeling will be remembered when reading this, even if it makes no sense.

It was a good dream though.

Why are my dreams so outrageous and complicated? They are way more captivating than anything I do in real life. It's life the great life that I can have as a person, the exciting and dreamy is only played out in my dreams....Some people get it in their days, I just get it at night.

I'm not really serious.

About the dream I am. GOOD DREAM.

2009-04-17T05:43:00.003-10:00

5 chairs, we need 5 chairs. Our family is a family of 5. We no longer fill up every seat in the van. We are uneven.

Divorced.

I can't imagine a man I would like and trust enough to want to marry. Someone beautiful enough. Someone who loves the Lord, truly. Someone who doesn't think I'm ridiculous when I cry. Or when I want to stop and pet the homeless animals and give them food. Or when I'm just really tired and don't know why.

Sleeping on the floor with one large quilt next to a window when it is snowing makes a very cold night. And when your cat wakes you up crying multiple times, it makes for less sleep.

It's ok though.

When I read Bible verses online there is a strong force that pushes me to scroll past them for whatever reason. I try to fight it.

PHILIPPIANS:

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

What he starts he finishes. He doesn't get the ball rolling and then go off and do something else, he is there every step of the way

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless untl the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God.

Insight, clarity in life. To know in your heart his will in what is right and good so that you remain as blameless as a fleshly human can until you meet Christ in Heaven, he will fill you with the righteousness that comes through him. you cannot do it alone. He supplies it, you use it. Practice it.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Nothing we do should be for us alone. If we serve others before ourselves, and they in turn do the same, we are both being served to the greatest advantage anyways. We aren't to have a high self esteem, we aren't to have a low self esteem, we are to have no esteem.

2009-04-16T11:35:00.001-10:00

Whenever I hear his accent I form a whole new crush. Every time!

Even though I know he has an accent when I hear it again I melt!

2009-04-14T04:49:00.000-10:00

17106

2009-04-08T13:15:00.001-10:00

Last day in Hawaii.

2009-04-08T13:05:00.001-10:00

http://www.totallysevere.com/wallpaper/

So cool.

2009-04-08T12:48:00.003-10:00

Even if it takes up way too much room, and I know it will I'm really counting on being allowed to have one of our couches in my room.

I really just want a big enough room, please. I can already see it: Against a wall, the left one when you walk into the room in front of the window that gushes sunlight. The bed is facing out and right next to it the couch fits.

Only I dont know if that would even fit, even if there wasn't a closet on that wall. So basically there is no way that vision will work out.

But I've always wanted a couch in my room, even when we were in Florida before we got the current set of couches I wanted to keep the old one to put in my room. I think that there is someting so nice about that, put a bookshelf next to it....a pseudo coffee table perhaps that can hold my assorted art books and the MK&A one, along with recent magazines and sketchbooks. And a candle. I'm getting so excited just thinking about it.

All the floors are hard wood, rugs.

I wish there was a bed size between full or twin or whatever the single person is and mine which is a queen I think. Because I couldn't sleep on a tiny one person bed, but I would have more room with a smaller one.

No, I like my bed

I accidentally clicked on my ffffound bar and then saw this picture and it inspired me so thank you for fumbled fingers.

It's warm today, very. Like in the 60's. When I was in Hawaii 69 was a call for scarves. Now I want the weather forcast to hold up so it will indeed snow tomorrow.

2009-04-06T18:04:00.003-10:00

I'm in Colorado. I'm always tired, I'm usually dizzy. My stomach was so sick today.

We got a house, on base. It's pretty nice, there are tons or deer on base all over, it's sooo weird. I want to move into the house asap but we're waiting til Monday, next Monday.

We have to rent furniture because our stuff won't be here for 40 something days at most.

I blew alot of money at Walmart the day that we left trying to fill up my life with souvs and such, it would have been so much easier and cheaper if I woulda done that slowly over the 8 years I lived there but honestly, I had no interest in it or in taking pictures of places I know back and forth as home and random cheesy keychains.

Lemme tell you, you picture a Hawaiian quilt on your bed in Hawaii, I think "Oh my gosh so cheesy and tacky" then I imagine it in Colorado and INSTANTLY it is SO COOL.

So yeah, thankfully there was alot of the vintagey pinup Hawaiian stuff so I pretty much bought everything with that stuff on it.

Plus a key chain of a hula girl and one with my name in Hawaiian that I wouldn't have been caught dead with if I was still living there because that's just a neon sign screaming HAOLEEE every time my keys come out of my purse.

I really want to start hanging stuff up in that room, the one I'll get, I brought all my hawaii crap with me to hang up becuase I knew I would appreciate it.

And some magazines with pages I've wanted to take out and hang up but never have because I didn't want to rip them takin them down.

Target has this pretty section of pink flowery bedding, it's so nice. Want.

Also...whatever I forgot. I've been depressed. I've had to stifle crying about how miserable I get realzing how lonely I am. When everything is brown and far apart, I see no potential for a home environment. I look outside as we drive around and the only life I can picture makes me so depressed I cry.

I think it will be better when we're in the house, I'll have some place to call my own and be in. With Lillie.

I really want to buy Gossip Girl season 1 and have been checking out places to buy it trying ot find it at the lowest price for the past week and a half. So far next to Amazon Walmart is the cheapest at $45 or so. Cheaper than Best buy target barnes and noble borders...so far.

AND I got a taylor swift Tshirt at walmart for 3 bucks and I am SO STOKED TO WEAR IT. I don't even care that it's actually a little girl's shirt and that it's borderline tacky. I love that gurl soooo much.

kk. I think watching TVD makes me relaxed and happier than most anything else. Gimme and bed and a tv and dvd player (along with my tvd collection" and I'll be set. Please include diet sunkist, Lillie, aaaaand instant oatmeal. For now.

I miss my Godbaby so much, I need to get a frame for her picture. MAN.

This is my Godbaby, I'm somewhere in line to be her Godmother, I made sure to tell Sharal that, even id I'm in 7th place. I AM THERE.

2009-03-27T22:54:00.002-10:00

I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I'M LOVING A SERIES OF BOOKS ABOUT AMISH PEOPLE BY BEVERLY LEWIS.

I REALLY WANTED TO GIVE UP WHILE READING THE FIRST ONE BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING SEWWWW LONG BUT I DIDN'T MAINLY BECAUSE MOM BOUGHT THE 4TH IN THE SERIES FOR ME AND I WOULD FEEL REALLY BAD IF I DIDN'T READ IT SO I KEPT GOING AND THEN I WAS ADDICTED AND NOW I'M RESTRAINING MYSELF FROM READING THEM TOO FAST BECAUSE I'M QUICKLY READING THEM A BOOK A DAY AND THERE ARE ONLY 5 BUT THERE ARE APPROX. 350 PAGES PER BOOK AND I NEVER KNEW THAT I COULD BE SUCH A GOOD READER.

AND NOW I WANT EVERYONE I LIKE TO READ THEM SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THEM.

AND IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M TALKING ABOUT TWILIGHT ALMOST BUT I AM SOOO NOT.

http://www.amazon.com/Covenant-Betrayal-Sacrifice-Revelation-Daughters/dp/0764280716/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1238230695&sr=8-1

PS. DON'T READ THE BACKS OF THE BOOKS AHEAD OF YOU, I WAS ON THE 2ND ONE AND READ THE BACK OF THE THIRD ONE AND IT ALMOST RUINED MY LIFE.

TRUST ME.

you know what not only does this blog get read by like 2 people but no one is actually going to take me seriously and READ the books.

Can you imagine if people did that? If we had such trust in humanity that when we read of someone else loving something we immediately put forth effort to do the same?

Would we end up wasting alot of time and/or money or would we constantly be opening ourselves to new experiences, new material, new worlds.

I hate it when people write everything in caps all the time.

2009-03-26T22:06:00.002-10:00

How I ache for a close Christian friend sometimes. Even just a close friend.

He's drinking again and without my permission a burden was instantly places upon me, a burden worrying for his well being.

Why is it so hard for me? What if he gets really depressed again? What if we leave and he passes out drunk every day? How can I not feel that?

How can I not feel responsible.

Since it is my thought for him, does that mean that is what I am to do? Be the one in his life to take care of him in a sense.

It's all too much. And it's too isolating.

And for the first time in a while I feel broken, and so so heavy.

I'm waiting for a Fleetwood Mac song to click. You know when you hear the right song at the right time and it just...clicks. You hear the echo of your heart and you can feel it.

2009-03-26T10:16:00.001-10:00

le swoon.

2009-03-24T13:54:00.002-10:00

Umm so it says I'm not following any blogs but I SO am so I'm hoping that that's just a glitch.

I've been feeling horrid yesterday and today just becuase of that time of the month. I just get so physically sick more than just cramps, severe nauseousness and stomach pains and lethargy? If that's the proper use of the feeling of lethargic.

I have a problem with picking and scratching at my head, and as always picking at my nails though SOME of them are sort of growing out. It works much better when I tape or bandaid my thumbs.

I'm so happy I got the first season of the Simple Life at Savers for $5. Thankfully it works because when I was paying for it I was like, if it doesn't work can I return it? And she said no becuase it's no exchange, and I was all, but what if it doesn't work! Do I have any guarantee that it will? She's all no we don't test them beforehand. So I go, so there is no way to know if this disc is even going to play but I can't return it if it doesn't? I'm just taking a chance and paying for it and hoping it works? And she's all...yeah. And I told her that that was dumb. Because it really is.

Just recently I've been reflecting on the greatness that is that show, Nicole is so flipping funny so I was really excited to see it so cheap.

But then today I looked on amazon and all of the seasons you can order are under $10, I'm going to get the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th for like $20 sometime, not now though. I ordered the third season of OTH and wanted to get the first seasons of Mad Men but decided against it.

Why am I so addicted to buying and watching TELEVISION? Apparently it's quite normal to watch tv shows or movies and want to imitate the jobs, but then watch another one and want to do that. Changing your mind based on what you're watching at that moment.

2009-03-21T00:02:00.004-10:00

I haven't been writing anywhere online very much. I don't know why. Actually it is quite a bit, for some people. But very little to others. What is considered alot or a small amount almost loses its credibility in everything because every ten people or so have a different view so how do we decide what the average amount for every physical thing, activity, feeling etc. is considered "alot"?

We don't. And it doesn't matter.

I'm good with trying out new things and not feeling like I have to make a decision right now, or that I have to stick with a job for years or months because it pays well or that's what I'm "supposed" to do even if I'm miserable.

Some people can do that, some people hate their job but stay becuase it's not that big of a deal, maybe they don't have a happiness to compare to the drudgery, maybe they are not exposed to a possibility beyond that.

And some people can hate their job and know they would be happier without it but they are scared to quit, for different reasons. Or they feel like they need it, the stability and/or credibility.

And some people quit their jobs because it makes them unhappy.

It's become this thing where people hate their job, that's what you're supposed to do most of the time? How many people LOVE their job most of the time?

Yet most of these people stay.

Is it unrealistic to think that each and every person can have a job that they love? Are there that many jobs to people in this world? Or am I fooling myself thinking that we can't all have it that good.

But maybe we all could if we tried. If we didn't stay day after day, week after week just so we can have alot of money.

But there's always a decision to be considered, would you rather work a job you hate that pays well or do something you love and get little money in return?

It's all about which is more important and there isn't a right answer.

I value my well being and lazy happiness to be at a job that I hate. So I will continue my path that is not lined with walls, but footpaths I can take in any direction at any time I choose.

I do know that many times people are not faced witht he luxury of a choice, whether they have a family to support or anything else, sometimes you don't have to choice to choose which job you want and what you want to do. Sometimes you have to do what is possible and what permits you and allows you to do the best you can. But those of us who do have that chance to veer off onto whatever road we what almost anytime we want are lucky.

I think everyone deserves that, but not everyone gets it. It's not fair. Nothing really is. Okay some things are.

Mom and I now have a secret, we did something tonight that we will tell no one about.

It was all very sneaky-like.

2009-03-17T23:08:00.003-10:00

I'm not just out of shape. Ohhh no. I have the strength and durability of a two year old.

I felt so bad on the hike today up to Maunawili Falls, I thought I was going to pass out. I literally doubted my physically being able to finish the hike even though I did the exact same one years ago and I don't remember coming to the brink of death, plus my 8 year old cousin held up better than me.

I think I'm just....so out of shape I cannot handle those things cos it wasn't just being tired, it was my head spinning and my glasses getting foggy from the humidity/heat/who knows what and the nauseousness and the headache the the general side effects of working your body out.

I didn't die, though on the way back I did sway too far and almost fell off the cliff, then I fell in one of the stepping stone creek baby waterfall things and did this leg out lean bend thing in the water and rocks to keep from A. falling and B. getting my bag wet.

Then I fell again slipping on the mud on my bum all stretched out and got a cut. I think cuts are so cool when they bleed but they don't hurt TOO much so the pain outweighs the coolness of a tiny bit of open scarlet flesh. But it's gross if it's not on me I'm pretty sure.

That was me whining, and now Im going to be a big sissy girl and say that I am delicate and I can't do hikes like that unless I become really buff and I don't want to do that.

So deal with it, Chelsea's a little delicate pansy and I'm only mildly ashamed of that. As much as I wish I could do the outdoors things so boys won't think I'm the lamest thing since "America's Next Top Model" I cannot without becoming a buff version of myself.

Oh and the mosquitos. Darn things, not only did that get me but they got me more than anyone else but thankfully most of them have gone away. If they stay for a while they usually scar and then I get angry at the dumb scars on my pale skin.

Me on the way there "hey do we have any bug spray"

Dad "we don't need no stinkin' bug spray!"

Au contraire, let's not forget my delicate nature. I even told my dad after he saw me almost topple over the side of the trail that I just wan't his athletic daughter and I never will be so he will just have to accept that, not that he has given any indication that he hasn't accepted it. He has Bekah, and the twins on somethings.

Me? No. What's more is that I've had a headache alll day. Due to my strenuous activity and the toll it took only my petal self? Most likely.

BUT I DID JUMP OFF THE WATERFALL INTO THE WATER AND IT IS SO AWESOME AND I DONT THINK I GOT THE DISEASE IT SAYS YOU WILL GET IF YOU GET IN THAT WATER.

I told my cousin the disease made you grow gillls and fins and if you start getting them the doctor will have to shave them off and put a skin graft over it and that's how mermaids came to be in existence, from that disease.

And you'll start getting really thirsty all the time becuase I'm pretty sure one of those old Disney channel movies about mermaid people or teens turning into them or something had that side effect.

She believed me, then later I had to tell her I was lying. I've done that a few times since she's been here.

It's probably not good.

The first time I went on the hike was after I had just seen "Tuck Everlasting" in theatres 3 times and was like "OMGZZZ IT'S JUST LYKE THE MOOVIEEEE I'M GUNNA BE WINNIEEE."

I was so much more mature this time, I also compared it to scenes in Lost.

2009-03-14T00:06:00.001-10:00

Day nine of not wearing pants.

2009-03-11T10:18:00.002-10:00

So we bought the plane tickets for next Wednesday, bought some more suitcases, I told friends I was leaving. And then they talked and my mom felt God pulling her to stay. Even though she wants to go, she feels God pulling her to stay and she has no peace.

When she came back to my room to tell me that last night, I told her I had never been so mad at her before.

After the last time she did it, changed her mind and hurt me so much I trusted her this time. I was already packing away outfits in my mind, thinking about what I'm going to do there (libraries) picking out which DVD's to bring and why, trying to cover all the bases. I was planning everything, even college and when she changed her mind it's like my life crumbled. I finally had direction, I knew where I was going and I could plan but not only is that all down the pooper I have no idea now, there is now second plan. I'm back sitting around waiting for God knows what. We could be livingin San Antonio, or anywhere else.

So yeah, I feel blank. Real blank.

But I watched "Australia" last night and it was SO GOOD. I don't care what anyone says, even though it bombed and blah blah blah. I loved ittttttttt. Soooo gooododdddd. Hugh Jackman was a good man in the movie, I like good men, I like thinking "oh my FH needs to be like that guy" and he was a good guy.

FH= future husband

2009-03-09T23:50:00.002-10:00

A horrible feeling is a feeling where nothing you can think of would make you feel better.

Sometimes all you can do is go to sleep and hope your spirit will be revived come tomorrow.

Because all there is left to do is pray, and all that you have is hope.

2009-03-09T14:03:00.007-10:00

Only because it looks like corn, a corn necklace? Yesplease.

Today I pretended that one day I will meet my grand wonderful husband and for some reason he will have means. Money, not that that is why I married him at all, it was just a lucky bonus. And he will say "Chelsea you should buy beautiful dresses to look like the princess you are, beautiful and feminine and lily white, the princess the Lord gave me" and so I will got to Anthropologie and get these lovely things.

Even though most everything on here is not under $100, they probably average at about $200 each.

Nice thought.

2009-03-09T11:55:00.003-10:00

Words:

israel

breakfast

Breakfast is such a pretty word, and name.

Need to return perfume

this

for this

And Goodwill or Savers for more dresses. I've been doing well with the no pants things, that sounds like I'm half nekkid. That is not true.

Simonne and I watched the first disc of "One Tree Hill" yesterday and made cupcakes at her house, I'm glad I have a friend again. Not that she stopped being my friend, just that my poor social skills got the best of me.

IF everything goes to plan, and it has a record of not, but IF. We should be out of here in a few weeks, just my mom and sisters and I. For Colorado Springs, or somewhere else in CO possibly.

The best thing to do is to go with the flow. Ride the wave. Keep my head above water.

2009-03-08T12:27:00.003-10:00

TIFFANY THE WORD VERIFICATION PICTURE WASN'T WORKING AGAIN AND JUST HAD THE LITTLE BLUE BOX WITH A QUESTION MARK IN IT AND I WAS ALL "HERHGHGDGH!!! NOT AGAINNNNN"

So I copy pasted the exact thing hur bekuz I iz resursfull

your derbeh comment made me lulz. I have these ones http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=546&cat=22&page=2 And the quality is perfect, I don't think I got any of the extra junk on them but they're still unscratched. I also got these ones http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=770&cat=21&page=1 But they were pretty screwed up, the lens didn't stay in tightly so they're really flimsy and unwearble and crooked, I don't reccomend half rims. But I think the plastic full rims should be sturdy and the wire ones you want (old mannnn) should be okay becuase they're full rim. The ones I just got are from walmart though, they have so many cute ones! I want to go back and get this pair that are rayban like but brownish colors for $19 plus the lens.

2009-03-07T22:43:00.001-10:00

You know, I really don't like taking pictures of myself with a real camera, not even with photobooth all the time. I just like remembering days where I felt pretty as stupid as that sounds. How ridiculous is it to find a place to stand/sit and pose or look like I'm not posing, then find a shelf or other hard surface in my squished room to set my big camera on, make sure the spot I'll be in is in the frame, focus it then set the self timer and run back and look like it was TOTES KANDID. From now on I'm just going to take those mirror shots, not the slutty girl ones though. Or just not at all. Um, we may just move to Colorado Springs and my dad will try to find a job after getting there. Or they will split up, it varies day to day on that issue. Or we will end up somewhere really crappy becuase he got a job there. We were supposed to be packed up in the middle of this month. I taped the tips of my fingers to keep from picking at my nails. It's awkward. Oh and I got new glasses because I fell in love with Rachel's in The Family Stone. Oh and this is the 4th day in a row I've worn a dress or skirt. Wow.

2009-03-06T15:24:00.002-10:00

There are tiny little black ants around my room again but I just can't deal. I'm starting to hate my room and all of its crap. There's just too much but when I look around at the individual things it doesn't make sense to get rid of them. Even when I do clear out stuff I fill up one brown sack and it makes very little difference in the clutter. I think it's just the combination of such a small room and my attachment to my things, it's either because they're somehow sentimental or because I don't want to regret throwing it out because I want to use it someday. That's happened and it stinks.

But I don't NEED all this stuff, what is it? I see books and then dvd's and cd's times a zillion all a mess and out of their cases and scattered. My camera, chocolate lots of magazines, papers, purses clothes makeup, jewelry scattered because I don't have a specific place large enough to hold all of it and still be easy to access, hair stuff has the same probelem and makeup, camera bag scarves.

I feel suffocated and overwhelmed and I think the only way I'm going to really be able to change it is when we move, to decrap there and organize it better and have a BIGGER room.

Now with the ants, crawling all over stuff, on Lillie's water bowl even though I just put a new one out last night for the same reason, they're attracted to moisture. On the floor, my desk on my white macbook, that really irks me, all over the top of my dresser and my mess up there. It's like it's useless to try and get rid of them all because there's too much stuff to sort through.

You know, I also don't have that much storage.

Anyways, the guy sprayed outside. Lillie was in her house this morning, I've been trying to get her to use it for days but she has refused becasue she is stubborn and likes staying in her cardboard shoebox so she can play the "poor little me my mommy makes me sleep in a shoebox" card, she did that with the scratching post too, just looked at it and at me scratching on it and then walked behind my entertainment center type of this ad scratched on the back of it like she's been doing thus the buying of the post.

But I think she sucked it up and got in there because I was asleep therefore she wasn't admitting defeat because I was unaware, but then she overslept and I caught her and cooed at her alot and she glared from inside her beautiful little cube with pink flowers all over it and her pink blankie inside.

oh man my computer just got mad and the internet shut down thank the stars for autosave.

Anways, that's all I guess.

My parents are at a plateau I think.

I'm pretty sure it's about 50/50. So I pretty much not only have no idea where I'm going to be when we're supposed to leave in April but I don't know if I'll be living with both of my parents or not.

I'm a form of ambivilant, it's easier that way. So I strive to do that, be that. Even though there's no decision, you get it. But I am affected, I just try not to care.

2009-03-06T12:40:00.002-10:00

I stumbled across Ashton Kutcher's Twitter today and realized that I really don't understand that whole thing.

Then I found the link to all the videos he does and puts on there so that's what I've been doing.

http://qik.com/ashton

2009-03-03T22:27:00.007-10:00

I'm pretty sure that "Dice" has lots its place in my heart as my favorite song of all time. I'm not sure yet though, it's been so easy to have that for years, made everything easier, I never had to think about it.

But my listening habits kind of speak for themselves.

AND I KNOW YOU LOVE THAT SONG TOO TIFFANY CUZ WE R ~*~TWINZ~*~ LIKE CAMILLA AND HOE. AND NO THAT WAS NOT A TYPO.

oh ya and to be completely clear the list is betraying because one day I put Kaki King on repeat for Lillie to listen to while she napped all day long, but the rest I truly listened to alot. And alot.

2009-03-03T12:39:00.000-10:00

GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES GLASSES

2009-03-02T17:53:00.000-10:00

Lydia - I Woke Up Near The Sea
by UniversalMusicGroup

Oh man I love Lydia and haved loved them for a few years. Why aren't they famous yetttt?

2009-03-02T12:32:00.002-10:00

A thirteen year old boy has had a child in Britain. Of the conception he told his dad "it was the first time he’d had sex, that he didn’t know what he was doing." His girlfriend is 15, he was just 12 when they had sex.

So yes, when I see young boys who should be playing with Hotwheels race cars hanging around Mcdonalds with their baggy jeans sagging, wife beaters and even a fake diamond earring in each ear I am scared. Is it just easier for today's parents to treat their children as adults? It would seem that way, let them do what they want and treat them like they want to be your job is considerably less difficult.

One of the many reasons why I am already planning on how I will raise my children, with old Disney movies.

Link here

2009-03-01T18:22:00.005-10:00

you know those toys, i cant think of the name or even exactly what they look like.

it's a small plastic ball, clear but on the inside there's another slightly smaller ball that spins around when you move it, so like a ball in a ball. So you can shake it and the inside ball spins around even when you hold the toy itself still.

Get it? Well that's what my head feels like. Again. I thought it was my allergy medicine becuase my allergies were insane insane this morning but I'm thinking that it has something to do with my sinuses becuase of my alergies because i've never had this probelme with the medicine before.

It's horrible, feeling like your mind is spinning 100 miles an hour when you're barely moving. It's hard to even explain.

And I went on a walk of sorts today, not long, it was actually chilly outside but now I smell like outside so I'm going to take a bath and lasso my brains.

Ps. Tiffany I tried commenting you back but the little image of the word I'm supposed to copy in order to post a comment in order to verify that I'm not a robot wasn't showing up. And I also don't know how to foloow you.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I CAN'T EVEN TYPE STRAIGHT I KEEP ON HAVING TO FIX TO MAN YTYPOES IT HURTS ME MY BRAIN HATES ME AND IT HAS COME OFF ITS BRAIN STEM THING.

I should type in caps all the imte. like all the itme. all in caps.

you'd think it would ease up if i closed my eyes but it gets worse, it spins faster. i suppose becuase when my eyes are open i can at least somewhat logically know that even though my mind thinks i'm spinning i know i'm not, but when my eyes are closed there isn't anything still, just spinning.

oh man i don't want a brain tumor.

once when i was in old navy with my mom a few years ago i thought i had a brain tumor, i'm not a hypochondriac so i wasn't really seriously serious,

i asked if it turned out i had one if she would get my a puppy,

she said no.

i was really hurt.

2009-02-28T14:11:00.002-10:00

I usually sleep like a normal person, or what I deem normal person sleep to be. Last night I slept like a rock, I vaguely remember waking up and rolling over but not taking my eye mask off. I remember my arm hurting from laying on top of it and either dreaming or thinking of dreaming about those big blue mailboxes and there was some company either directly related to them or using their image, the blue mailbox image and there was a cut-out of something, maybe in an envelope, those business envelopes that have the little clear plastic window and the address is on the letter inside and you can see it through the window.

So something to do with all of that.

And I woke up at 11:30 and was very angry with myself and I was still half asleep in the sense that I was totally out of it, not like I normally am where I'm just mad about getting up but still at the "normal" level of tiredness that you are when you wake up and you are a normal person getting normal person sleep.

After arriving in the living room I debated whether I had taken some sort of allergy medication the night before because it just wasn't normal. Then I watched Rush Limbaugh on tv and rolled my head around and get coffee and special bread.

This is where I would come to the point of the story, probably sharing the revelation that I eventually had explaining my rock-like state but it never happened and I still don't know why.

My allergies were really wicked so I did end up taking allergy medicine so now it is a combination of my leftover rock like state and Aphedrid.

I watched Rush's whole speech and when I first started I didn't like him and concluded that if her were democratic I would hate him but becuase he is on "my" side I couldn't immediately hate him.

I ended up really liking him and finished watching his speech in my room while I continued going through my ever present stack of old magazines that linger on my floor and turing them into a makeshift "scrapbook" that is really just a notebook, not even a fancy moleskin that will hold my clippings with the help of a glue stick with a neon orange, yellow and pink stripe.

I don't understnad why people make their journals works of art, I mean, do they only do that so they can show them off at online communities? If they didn't do that would they still take all the time to think of clever sentences that pertain to all of America's youth and then make a simple sketch to go along with it, then add some weird shapes, water colors and other hipster images such as feathers?

Who has the time to do that? And why? Unless to show it off to other people, I for one wouldn't take all that time to make my personal journal so intelligent and insightful when only I would see it.

My mom just used the exact line "when I was a girl" man oh man.

So in conclusion I don't know why I think Sean Penn is hot.

And also after talking to an IRS guy that I couldn't understand because he was from Slumdog Millionaire and that is not racist just a quip because I thought he was really cute I just felt bad I kept on having to make him repeat himself because I couldn't understand. My dad kept telling them they made a mistake by giving me $300 extra but they insisted that that was not right or something so I'm just keeping it becuase according to them I'm supposed to so thank you very much IRS people because now my unemployed self that has been living off the money saved from my job last summer that is almost gone because i haven't been working but has lasted a very long time becuase i really don't spend that much money, now i have a little over $1,000 in my account and I can live off of that for a whileee.

Thank you thank you thank you. I will purchase "Pushing Daisies" becuase I every day I feel more and more ridiculous for loving a show I have never seen even a scene from. And also because it has no sex in it that I've read of and that is always nice so it is a wise investment.

Kind of.

Blargh what was it that I needed at Borders...

Oh yeah Camilla Belle's Nylone cover. I bes loving her and her eyebrows. Alotlotlot.

2009-02-26T17:53:00.004-10:00

My IRS document said I was getting $600+

But then it turned out that they made a mistake

So my dad is calling them

And now I will probably get half as much

Shoot man.

First Sean Penn became my favorite actor, recently I have become attracted to him. At least it didn't start out as a physical thing.

And ohmygosh I just realized/remembered that he made "Into the Wild" Oh man oh man I have a new excitement for that movie.

Is he considered attractive in the media? I'm really not sure.

2009-02-23T19:20:00.001-10:00

2009-02-15T14:10:00.003-10:00

I'm exausted. Maybe all the driving, back and forth to Sharal's house, holding Lillie, I love doing that but now that I'm home I don't want to do anything.

My eyes are burny. I just want to take another shower and get into bed. I may just do that.

Sharal, Lillie and I went to Frank's church this morning, I was worried the sermon wouldn't be a really good one or he wouldn't be as funny or engaging or real but he was all of those. Sharal liked it and I'm so glad becuase I really enjoy the services. Even though I walked around holding Lillie thorughout the entire service, she was good.

S talked to me too. It was weird, like he goes from ignoring me to making small talk and staring. Alot.

2009-02-13T22:55:00.002-10:00

I love my Lord. I wish to honor Him in all I do.

Recently when I've been doing my mandatory moleskin writing as I try and succeed in doing every single night, I've been busting out these...prayers/poems/praises. Without even trying they just come out.

It's actually pretty cool, I always always love it when I feel Him being real. When I can recognize it without doubt.

Happy Valentine's future hubbin, I love you and I promise to try and always honor you as if you are beside me all through my days.

HArharha. I am as sappy as those disgusting chalk hearts that have off-centered sentiments stamped on.

2009-02-11T21:13:00.002-10:00

My head just hurts.

I'm really suffering for Christian friends. I was looking at facebook groups and even all of them are full of people I don't want to be friends with. It seems like there are so many different versions of Christianity out there. Tons. And the people that have almost the same beliefs and...desires as me are quite bluntly not interesting. Meaning I wouldn't want to be friends with them becuase they are boring. Those kind of people, which is not a bad thing, it really isn't but I can't make myself into that, the one dimensional kind of person that many believers are. It seems like it's either have strong beliefs, convictions etc. and be dull, and uninteresting. Not caring about clothes or music or books or art unless they directly partain to Christianity and we can't be in our own little world. We can't just exclude everything else and live in our safe Jesus bubble. At least I don't want to.

So you have them or you have the people who call themselves Christians, like I have been most of my life. You believe in God and you probably are truly a Christian but you don't take it seriously, you live by basic rules and know that Jesus loves you. Don't have actual all the way sex, don't say the "f" word, don't get drunk alot, go to church read your Bible sometimes. But I don't want that.

I'm in the middle and I knwo there are otehr people like that but I don't know them.

That's why I need ot go to that conference. I really need ot go to Lillie fast becuase she's horribly depressed.

2009-02-09T00:33:00.002-10:00

I am growing my hair out until it gets grossly long. Until it reaches that point where you are that woman at the grocery store that other people point at becuase her hair is just that long.

I will grow it.

Long and dark.

I will resist bangs. Keep resisting, stay strong.

I'm 90% sure I have decided to not kiss another man until my wedding day. I know it's not something you can be iffy on, the whole purity agreement way of life. It's not something to be embarrassed about or keep secret.

That is the misconception, that it is an annoying obligation we feel we have to have as Christians.

But no. It is something to be excited about, to cherish becuase you know that it will pay off more than anyone else can imagine. It's a secret of sorts.

D 2

2009-02-06T22:14:00.001-10:00

and you're underground

and you're screaming and laughing

and drowing in that black grease

and you no longer occupy any part of me

i hope it swallows you

i hope your scaly skin falls off

your screams are muted

and all that surrounds you

is righteous judgement

because no one cares about you anymore

and no one thinks you are anything

you will be nothing but yellow bones

all traces of the villian you once played

the tree, the sun

burn away with the stink of flesh

in the air

but your screams are not heard

nor is your laughter

you are but an open mouth

gnashing your teeth

until you are nothing at all

but yellow bones

and the stench of burnt flesh

and the black legacy

that no one will remember

D 1

2009-02-06T22:03:00.004-10:00

every day

your hand print

grease. black grease.

still lingers on me

i still see it

when i look in the mirror

you still have a part of me

for now

until enough time passes

and i claim myself again

and the residue is gone

He lifts it away

and i'm once again a pure petal

milky white

without wrinkle or blemish

2009-02-05T20:23:00.001-10:00

ahhh c and v

2009-02-04T22:04:00.000-10:00

Someday I think it will be sweet when someone thinks I am over the age of 16 or so, I don't understand I mean who would let their 13 year old get a piercing on their face!? Actually I take that back, our society sucks.
Sometimes it works to my advantage, like when the little Asian man in the glasses shop asked how old I was and I said 19 and he was all suprised and "ohh wuuut!!?" and I was all "how old did you think I was sonn?" and he said there was a free anti glare thing thing they put in for children under the age of 18. I'll just go another day when he's not there and say I'm 16.

2009-02-03T00:23:00.002-10:00

mom doesn't like me today. i have a small list of reasons why i think that is true.

i kind of don't like her either right now.

though of course now she will read this.

the same issues arise, they seem to be conquered, then they arise again.

they may take other forms but i see their true issued colors.

lillie doesn't like me either because i haven't spent time with her all day.

i have been sketching alot though.

Steelers are world champs

2009-02-01T20:33:00.004-10:00

my vest has alot of ruffles on the bottom.

things are 75% last I checked.

I got a book about anthropology at Goodwill today.

it might be fun to scan my sketches onto the computer.

Lillie is sew goshdarn kewt.

for a split second I debated whether "world" was capitalized.

I run into things.

I have zero income.

Here is a poem of sorts that I love:

hush little baby

hush quite alot

bad babies get rabies

and have to be shot

it's really quite unnecessarily morbid.

Ice and snow coat nation

2009-01-28T20:50:00.003-10:00

1. I need a small camera. I reallyreally do. It's hard to commit to taking pictures everywhere when you have to bring a separate friggin bag for the camera itself. Don't get me wrong, I love my camera more than cheese but I'd just like to have a smaller one too to keep in my purse.

2. I will never be able to go out with someone who has bad grammar or spelling. It just can't happen, he would end up hating me for correcting him all the time. I can't stand improper grammar, especially from adults. Adults older than me.

3. I've decided that if I go back to school aside from doing the art thing I want to study either psychology or anthropology. Or something else that ends in -ology and doesn't require many mathematics or biology/science credits. Me plus those equals noes.

4. I always always need to remember that if I get under 5 hours of sleep I will be sleep deprived and thinking to myself "people do this all the time I'm fiiiiine" will solve nothing, eventually I will reach maximum level of bitch status and then within 30 minutes I will have a meltdown and cry and cry and cry.

It's a pattern and it always happens like that and I just need to accept that I am a pansy baby and need my sleep or at least forewarn those around me that I will crack and it will be bad.

5. I hate my hair at this stage, I'm sure it could work if I worked on it but that's too much work so I don't do it so it never works. Short hair is a drag, not for me. Too high maintenance.

6. I will never get over my adoration of television characters, especially men. Sometimes I get so full of adoration for their character I wonder if I will find someone like that but even more because obviously I want him to be all the male characters rolled into one and then I think I will have to make sure the man sees all episodes of the shows containing great ment that speak to my heart.

Most recently, today when I watched last Thursday's "Grey's Anatomy" in which Meredith tries to help a serial killer to die so they can save his organs and doesn't tell Derek and then he finds out and is livid but then she goes to said killer's execution because her heart is so large and even though he'd murdered 5 women he wanted a familar face there so she went and when she left Derek was there with his adorable jeep that I didn't know he had and she cried because she knew he was disappointed and didn't understand why she did the things that she did and she didn't either but she was just compassionate and that's who she is and he hugged her.

Come to think of it Derek has alot of really good moments and though Grey's isn't my favorite show and Meredith isn't my favorite character out of all shows I think I am most like Meredith with all her emotions and issues and Derek gets that, he doesn't always understand but he loves her completely. Like that time in a past season where he said something like sometimes they would fight and sometimes he would leave but he will always always come back.

I can't wait to start watching the seasons with my mom someday, I think she will lurve it. I sound like such a 13 year old fangirl when I talk about tv shows but I don't know how to word it in a way that makes it sound less like a ~*~*~*~Nick Jonas dream date encounterz at mah hIgHsChOoL pRoM~*~*~*~

7. I think I love Lillie more and more every day. Ohmygoshsappycrazycatladypuuukkkeeee.

2009-01-27T11:36:00.001-10:00

how can one person be so flawless? LOOK AT HER SKIN IT'S AMAZING.

I love that family.

Cars likely to disappear

2009-01-26T23:09:00.002-10:00

Also, I have these two vague aspirations that float into my head sometimes, they're two of many but those stood out the other day as I sat doing nothing or someting, I'm not sure. In my mind they appear floating at different sides, not in any order or anything meaning there's not sort of plan or goal set.

They are moving to New York and adopting at least one child.

If I let my mind be still for just a moment and think I know I will come up with alot more, from the list I made a little while back even. But focusing hard on not thinking those remain.

For now.

Governor denies any role in leak

2009-01-26T22:50:00.004-10:00

1. When this whole thing started my mom and I made a deal that the ONLY way it won't go through is if my dad totally breaks and actually truly is sorry and changes. Neither of us thought that would happen, seriously, after seeing him one way my whole life I didn't exactly expect him to totally turn himself around. But he did, beyond recognition. He says he loves me when we say goodnight, he went to church and then came home and told my mom all about the sermon and what he learned and the notes he took and how he tried to find the pastor but he was busy. All of it, I knew it was possible, I remember telling my mom that that I knew the Lord was capable of it but I didn't think it was going to happen, and I remeber wondering if that meant I don't trust God, to not have faith that my dad would do a touch down turn around. But much more serious than a Hellogoodbye song. I just totally made this less serious than it is with that reference.

Aaanyways, I don't see us leaving him. Last night I asked my mom what the percentage of us staying was and she said 85%. I expected higher but she said she still doesn't trust him. On another note he still hasn't found a job, my mom still really wants to move to ugly ole Kansas, I'm rooting for Portland becuase the I won't have to go there by myself someday. That's not gonna happen.

2. I took over my sister's schoolwork. Bekah who's 12. All 3 of my sisters homeschool but the twins' school is on their computer and they don't really need help or one on one stuff. Just Bekah who is alot like me when I was still schooling, so I know her tricks to get out of stuff, get stuff crossed out etc. etc. etc. My mom's too easy on her, it drives me nuts the way she acts, that's one of the reasons I sometimes think I shouldn't have kids because I know if my child acted like her I wouldnt be half as good as my mom. But that's another can of worms or butterflies or moths or whatever.

So yeah, she does PACES so I started scheduling and crossing out unnecessary things becuase this curriculum is Christian so alot of it is wayyy over the top unrealistic Stepford children. She's already behind, I'm also making her read some of the books the twins and I read when we were younger and my mom ordered from Sonlight which is amaaazing because their History curriculum included a buttload of fiction books, historical fiction mostly, some really grand memories. I'm so glad we still have most of those books, they're really good. They're normal books too, not ones that they made, various prise winning books. Bekah doesn't like reading, she's the only one besides my dad and I just can't get over how she just doesn't enjoy it. It blows my mind.

3. I watched "Lars and the Real Girl" last night with Lindsey while everyone save my mom was at church. The twins have a very different taste in movies, books...everything as part of their autism and such so they have no interest in romantic comedies and such, pretty much any "normal" things 15 year olds like and do. But I told her it was funny and I thought she would like it becuase it's pretty clean and quirky and she did! She even cried, it's really cool for me when I can share something that we can both relate to because the twins and I are so different, most of our interests are quite different. Then Lauren and Bekah watched it tonight and Lauren cried and cried. It's so neat seeing them react to things like that, you could say "normal" things but really just things that are universal I suppose is the term. Maybe not quite.

3. When I was in Sparks (a Bible memory club thing part of AWANA for K-2nd grade) I used to tell my Sparkies that moths were boy butterflies. They believed me, I think I almost believe myself too. It makes total sense.

4. Because I always have a hard time thinking of a subject for entries on here and LJ I came up with the idea of just using an AOL headline for them. Because I really like having subjects even if that make no sense. And using parts of songs all the time is too corny for me.

2009-01-22T17:37:00.001-10:00

“ If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. Anais Nin

2009-01-21T19:00:00.002-10:00

he called us in to talk to us. he explained, he wants us to stay.

he knows he was wrong. he wants a chance. he loves us. he thinks if we leave him now we probably won't be together again, we won't want to leave our life for him, or how will we know he's changed from a phone call. we need to live with him to see a change.

i talked to him alone. he explained his mom not being there for him when he was a teen, now he doens't know how to relate to us as teenagers. how to show or even tell us he loves us.

i told him in all my years i never really knew if he loved me and recently i didn't think he did. i gave him examples, my birthday etc.

he stuttered, but his lip and fumbled for words finally swiping a finger across his cheek.

he apologized, said he really loved me.

i told him this wasn't about us not loving him, me not loving him.

he said he wants to just go back one month, one month.

i said he can't, that's the thing, he can't go back, it's already been done.

i kept telling him that i want us to be a family. i told him he needs to prove he can change. that he can't just expect us to automatically trust him after a week or two, or a few days actually so far.

he said he's never felt like this before, this sorry, acknowledging that he has been wrong.

he said he knows we don't think he has feelings, but he does.

i kept telling him to just work on himself, see a pastor, go to church, prove his change, then we can be together again.

he told me to look at statistics of couples who get back together, i told him to forget that.

i told him he was an alchoholic, he talked about how he went to the store today and didn't buy anything, i said it's more than that, it's the fact that once he has a little he just wants a little more, he can't stop. i told him he just needs to stay away from it completely, he said i was right.

he just keeps saying that he doesn't think we'll all get back together if we leave, that mom won't want to move us and leave our life in kansas to go to him. how she won't even be able to know if he's changed.

i told him he was giving us an ultimatum, he said he wasn't. i said yes he was, he's telling us if we leave now we probably would be throwing away this only chance. that things won't work out, we'll all make our own lives.

i said that's not true, if he really loves us and really changes we can all be together again. he said mom would never go for that.

he said a year was too long, i asked him if he expected all our lives this past 20 years to just go down the drain in a year, that it was sad if he thought that.

he mentioned something about love conquering all at one point, he said his mom never talked about that or demonstrated (though I don't know under which context he would expect that to come from her...) so I told him to do it, she didn't but he can. he said maybe.

it's not fair for him to expect us to stay now that he's finally truly sorry. i've never seen my dad cry before tonight, ever. even though he just teared, i've never seen him even close to that.

mom said he might have been faking, this was all a game. now that he thinks we're really leaving again he's trying to get us to stay by acting like this.

if he really loved us and really wanted to change and really was changing like i really think he is wouldn't he agree to wait a year, to let us go and not say that it probably won't work out? wouldn't he agree to go to church and see a pastor and prove himself to us, to admit that he can't earn our trust in a week, that he has to take time. that we can't stay here and cheer him on, chances are if we stay he may slowly lose the motivation to chnage because we're already here right? slowly the determination may wear down. he wouldn't have suffered.

there are too many what ifs. too many simple points that become a mess. simple right and wrong scenarios, the way things should logically be.

but when emotions get involved everything gets blurred and everything is gray.

my head and heart are rarely in sync.

my mom was angered when he said he worried about us making it, like he didn't think we could, that we had unrealistic expectations. she said that's how he's always made her feel, like she was small and weak. she needs to do this, staying with him makes her nervous, when is he going to get mad again, what is she doing wrong now, did she cook something wrong.

it's when i think with my head and then my sentimental heart feels for him, and then i think maybe my heart is right. which is better? is there a yes or no? do we always have to struggle to find that medium, that common ground?

she was hell bent on leaving before i went and talked to her about his and my conversation, now she's not so sure.

wish wash. i try and sway her but when she sways i want to go to the other side again. i don't know why.

why can't he just be like, i understand that i have been wrong all this time and i don't deserve your trust so I will take this year or so to reflect, to see a pastor, to for the first time examine myself and my endless issues and faults and work on them and i hope that when i do these things and become the man that deserves you girls that you will let me back in to be your father and husband. and if not i at least have to try, for myself foremost and for you.

so yeah. we're always swinging and crying, too much htinking, what is right and wrong and is he faking and is what he is saying true, is it a game? if it's not should we still stay? or would us staying make it worse.

after all these years the least he can do is live apart from us, to understand that he could have thought about this a month ago, or when he signed the papers but he didn't and now he expects us to take his word when his word has rarely meant anyting in the past.

and if we take his word and things fall apart we will be the fools, we will be the ones regretting not leaving when we had the chance.

is there a clear answer? maybe someone is praying out there and can see this from an unbiased point of view and will read all of this, all my entries about him through the bad and some good and tell me what is right.

because unfortunately i can usually convince my mom of anyting, i'm good at arguing and reasoning and sometimes i wish i wasn't because then i wouldn't feel so responsible. i can't just hold back though. or maybe i can.

shutup chelsea.

2009-01-21T00:14:00.003-10:00

ok so maybe it's not so bad.

this way we won't be as poor.

and also we can go somewhere besides tree-less flat kansas.

i'm rooting for portland, but that's far from haphaphapppening.

so maybe i'll pull the colorado thing, it was quite lovely, plus the girls like it because of wolves, and it's the same level as missouri and kansas but prettier.

i think.

there's this really fun website where you click on a state and then it lists good small towns there and most of them have pictures.

for everyone to find their own personal Star's Hollow or another small kine town.

spretty neato.

here

i don't clap-kill bugs. it's disgusting but there's a horrible gnat. guh-nat.

2009-01-20T20:54:00.003-10:00

i feel like i'm falling apart. like i'm losing what little i had.

i had hope and it's sick that i'm wanting the days of him being cruel to come back around.

because then, i knew what i was, what we were doing.

there were plans, exciting new plans and everything was falling into place.

but now. now he went to a psychologist. he cried there. i have never seen him cry, or come close to crying.

now he's regretful and broken. he sits and stares into space.

so now. nothing is certain. should we stay or should we go now?

while this is unlike anything he has ever done before, past anything i thought he was physically capable of.

what if we stay and it gets bad again? because we stayed he won't have motivation to get the help he needs, the therapy, the AA.

or what if he's depending on my mom too much, to help him now after she's tried almost 25 years to change him, help him, begged him to stay with us.

so what now, there is no good answer, either way.

and i'm irritable all the time, i'm snappy 80% of the day.

and i've picked my toenails down so now when i paint them it takes only one horizontal stroke across.

because.

because nothing.

because the life that was laid out, the road laid out for us to walk on as early as the next few weeks is crumbling

and all there is is smoke. where you don't know what you see.

so you see nothing.

and know nothing.

again.

chelsea, don't make plans. don't believe plans. stay detached from plans and future lives.

it's better that way.

2009-01-19T12:43:00.001-10:00

crapcrapcrap. he's sorry, he wants to do anything he can. he took a zoloft. he says he will see someone.

is it horrible that i wish he was still mean? i was all set on something, the papers are signed and now this.

great timing.

i keep building lives only to watch them fall back again.

alright so

2009-01-18T13:51:00.002-10:00

Apparently my dad apologized this morning for getting drunk etcetera, etcetra? He said he regretted things.

Regardless, we're still going through, my mom told him it would just get bad again within a month or so.

We find out on Tuesday whether or not we can leave early. If movers come it would take about 30 days for out stuff to get to Kansas. So either we wait 30 days or move and live without various household items.

And we're still looking for a house, bouncing about between renting and buying. My mom has shown me soo many houses it's ridiculous, there's one that's just dreamy. And gorgeoussss Like really nice inside, and all of them have fire places! I don't know, maybe alot of houses have fire places...I don't remember the houses from before I was 11, plus I was always in base housing except for here for 6 months or so and it's not like they regularly install fireplaces in aloha-town.

You know, I really want a friend. Just one, I literally have never met someone who has the same tastes as me, music, television, movies, style, home decor, religion. And if it weren't for Miss Tiffany I may not believe such people existed.

I really want to move to New York someday, just pick up and leave with some money and get a job waitressing or something.

Sometimes it dawns on me that I only have one life, amidst reading about other people's lives on in the internet and in books, movies and tv I forget that I only have this one.

It's kind of hard to explain.

I just feel like I'm wasting it, well I have been this move and new life is not wasting it at all, it's filling it.

But after that I can't fall into another boring cycle of wasting my life. This is the time when I wear crazy things, go overboard with makeup, be loud and take roadtrips. I dont' have much respnsibility besides Lillie, when your'e young your'e supposed to do this. Well not supposed but this is a very good itme. And if I waste these years planning on doing something, thinking about doing something, waiting for it to come to me soon enough I'll be 25 or 30, I'll be in school or in a serious relationship.

I don't know. I just think.

2009-01-17T20:59:00.004-10:00

I love being inspired. By looking at pictures, or reading things people write, how they dress, what they draw, who they are inspired by.

I feel the way I want to be, to dress to act, it changes throughout the day. And then when it comes down to getting dressed or drawing I end up going with something boring, something not like anything that inspired me that day. Something almost boring. Not always, but alot of times this happens.

I don't have this consistent style, this look that I keep up with. The retro or grungy, messy or tomboyish, girly with dresses all the time or laid back tshirts. I can never find a style I like enough to remeber to keep up with it every day, to have it with me all the time. Instead I get lost with all these thoughts bouncing around and not settling on one thing.

You know how people, me. We want to change something about ourselves, improve, break a bad habit, get up earlier, draw more, read better books. We decide to do these things, but then we say "well when I get this I'll start." Like, when I get a job I'll have the money to incorporate that style consistently. Or when I don't feel sick any more I'll start doing yoga.

But then it gets pushed and the reason for putting it off changes until you no longer make an excuse.

I feel that way about moving, I tell myself "well once I move I can start over, make myself into one person and not the 10 shadows of 10 different styles.

I don't know if it will work, I'm acknowledging that many times these things don't work but I still want it to.

I want to get rid of alot of my stuff, it's hard becuase I'm so sentimental and hesitant because "what if someday I want this" or "someday I'm going to regret this decision."

But really, in order to start over, I have to clean the slate.

Rosi Golan for new music today, recommended by Natalie

2009-01-17T12:36:00.001-10:00

January 15

2009-01-17T12:34:00.000-10:00

He snuck in some alchohol and drank tonight. I'm very very afraid that when all this is over and we go our separate ways he will be alone, and drunk in front of the tv and computer games. Just like he wants, to be able to drink. To give up everything for that. I'm scared and I'm deeply deeply saddened. These were taken on December 16, so about 9 days before Christmas, when everything started to roll downhill. Also, depressed is both a light emotion and a state of being, a disorder, and illness I am familar with.

January 16

2009-01-17T12:33:00.002-10:00

Many moons ago I rented The OC season 1 and as I watched this scene my favorite song in the world til this day was discovered. And mostly when people ask me and I tell them "Dice" by Finely Quaye and William Oakley they say they have no idea what that is and I say I didn't think so.

January 12

2009-01-17T12:32:00.001-10:00

1. Today my father cut my mother off completely from his funds, leaving her with only the money she has collected these past few weeks to help start us off when we move. He will however transfer funds for groceries to her account. How lucky are we. He was very angry when he found out about her private account. He's grown more and more childish every passing day, yet when he comes home from work he expects everyone to act as though nothing has happened. He made Lauren cry the other day when he told her he was cutting her allowance in half because "the economy is bad and she and her sisters should feel the hurt too." She just didn't understand why he would want her to hurt. Today he informed my mom that he can no longer "afford" the girls' music lessons and choir. It's not pleasant being forced to live in this house. To not have money, or a way to get it really save a part time job for 2 1/2 months? 2. This whole thing has kind of been the gist of my life recently. It's just really huge. And it's going to be more and more huge as the days grow nearer when we move to a state we've barely seen where we know no one save my uncle and his family. From a family to something very different. Right now it's all this technical stuff. Making copies of things, doing everything possible to keep him from twisting things more. All the technical money stuff, lawyers, bank accounts, alimony, retirement pay, when we'll move, how we will, when will we get any money from him. He told my mom today that he isn't going to "pay for her to sit around on her butt all day." I'm sorry this has occupied so much of what I write about, pretty much all I have talked about these last weeks. It's just...very surreal. I should probably start de-crapping my room and organizing for when we move. I really don't feel sorry for myself for having to go through any of this. I'm just angry at my dad, angry at him giving his family away so he can have a "normal" life. After all these years. To this day he still doesn't think he has or is doing anything wrong, ever. Talking to him is futile, it always has been. No matter if you tell him the sky is blue, if he thinks it's green, he will refuse to even consider it might be blue. Even if it would mean his was mentally challenged to really not see that it was blue he still won't say it. He will roll his eyes and scoff at the idiot who say it is. That's him in a metaphor. That's him in any discussion I've had with him since I've "grown up." I'm really excited to move though. And really scared out of my mind to leave this island that I've grown up on, for 8 years, since I was 11. We're leaving the physical place and also the life we've always had. I'm more or less happy. This colored my day today.

moving some lj entries from this past week or so here

2009-01-17T12:30:00.000-10:00

Mom and Dad went to the lawyer and signed the papers and yada yada, he was actually really nice last evening and this morning. It was strange...but apparently he got stressed at the amount of child support he will have to pay for my three younger sisters, no money fo me as I am 19 now. He's really worried about getting a job now that he's going to be out of the military, for the first time since he was 20 he is out of that security that the military gives you, a steady income, housing etc. He only yesterday confided in my mom and told her how stressed and worried about money he is, he's applied to 60 jobs and still hasn't found one. See right now, I really love him. Because he is nice, becuase he seems to be in this "vulnerable" situation where he seems to not be the macho controlling man he always is. I asked my mom if she still wants to go through with everything now that he's being nice and she said no, she just has to look on the past 20 or so years of things being good then bad then good then bad. It's always been a rollercoaster and what has held it together was the times when it was good again and all was forgotten or pushed away thinking that maybe this time it will last. So right now Im trying to go with my head, not my heart. My head remembers a few weeks ago getting in a shouting match about respect, about me finally realizing that he is only kind when it suits him. That he refuses to even listen to my side of how I see my life, why I want to pursue art or anything besides traditional college right now. I just have to look back on those posts in my blogspot from a few weeks ago. I don't believe this is holding a grudge, it's being realistic. The truth is that he can turn at any moment, he can start making fun of me for what I believe, for my feelings at any second. Even when I reach the high point of the roller coaster, even when I'm on the ocean and the waves have stopped for a while I know that there will be a drop, another wave will come crashing on me and to pretend like that isn't going to happen isn't being forgiving, it's being foolish. Enough about this. I love my dad, and it's just a very mild version of that scenario where the abused child/wife etc. goes back to their husband/father etc. over and over and you scream at the tv and tell them how stupid they are but they just say that they love him and he really is sorry this time. Only dad hasn't apologized, it's just very sticky and to try and analyze it all out would just lead me around in a circle, there is no simple way to explain it. I need to stop writing so freaking much.

2009-01-17T00:17:00.001-10:00

i'm dreaming of a whiiite christmas

2009-01-16T17:58:00.002-10:00

I've never been a headache person but now I've become one. One of those headache people.

I'm sure it's stress, if you can get headaches from stress.

Dad's dunk again, started this afternoon or perhaps earlier.

This is going to be a longer and crappier two months than we thought.

He has taken over the living room in a drunken stupor watching THS on E all day even though his eyes are barely open.

The best way to keep from being hungover is to get drunk again eh?

I just really hope I have my own room in our new house, it's very important to me.

I really need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

The only things safe in this room are my books, dvds aaand art stuff/certain stuffed animals.

I also need to remember that I still need to get Lillie a soft carrier for the plane since I'm taking her as one of my carry ons, escuse me did you SEE "Homeward Bound 2"???

And also some tranquilizers for her to enjoy on said trip.

Since I have no income, and because we are ridiculously tight on money seeing as how we don't eve have the funds to buy or rent a house etc. upon arrival in our new state I made a short list of esential things I want/need.

I took care of one such thing today in the form of "Bones" season 2, checkkk.

2009-01-16T12:52:00.002-10:00

the selby

enough with the pity me's my daddy doesn't love me wah wah wah

2009-01-16T00:36:00.001-10:00

-It was bound to happen, things were good but then he started drinking tonight. What really really worries me is the fact that one of the main reasons he wants the divorce, he wants to give up his family is so he can drink and get drunk whenever he wants to. And I'm so scared because I know when all of this is final and we all go our separate ways he's probably going to drink alot. All by himself. He's just going to get drunk in front of the tv. I have to push this from my mind, I have to not think and imagine that happening. I want to believe that everyone is going to be happy, that he will get a nice job and just be happy. But I can't imagine a scenario that could paly out that wouldn't make me feel dreadful and to not even be able to imagine something is very depressing. He's the man that led children's groups at church, all the kids loooved Mr. Mike, he was so fun and cool. He's who taught me how to drive and listened to Britney Spears with me in the car always. Now what, he will be alone. Crap I hate this. I hate thinking about it. As much as I wanted this all to happen I never really considered the fact that while my mom and sisters and I all have our happy little new life in Kansas he still doesn't have a job, a place to live. Anything. I just can't think about it. I have to push it aside. I have to remember that this is what he wants. Right?

2009-01-13T20:35:00.002-10:00

papers were signed today. should be all through and through within 6 to 8 weeks. still seeing is we can leave early, some military thing where dependents are allowed to leave early if given permission and approved, probably won't happen because it would only shave off a month becuase we have to stay here until the divorce is finalized.

my head hurts and i'm tired.

2009-01-08T15:41:00.001-10:00

blehhh wichita kansas. i seriously want to go on a roadtrip this summer, if for no other reason than to celebrate being off a rock after 8 years and only dreaming of road trips that don't end after 3 hours when you hit water.

mom told the girls today, bekah howled. and hyperventilated. and howled crying.

it's ok now though.

well, kind of ok.

2009-01-08T13:03:00.002-10:00

a long time ago, we used to be friends

2009-01-07T16:03:00.003-10:00

i just found these stashed in one of my folders, more pictures of my dress that's been mine since age 16. now starring in the new film "bride wars."

it was mine before it was kate hudson's. why couldn't they have used a new design? seriously.

i'm having way too much fun with this.

but is this burning, an eternal flame

2009-01-07T00:02:00.003-10:00

i'ts too stressful. mom and i are fighting all the time.

this shouldn't be happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't raised in a broken household. i'm the dad but i'm not given a choice on where to live, i'm the good husband when she needs me.

fretting about where to live, where to move in under 3 months, what we'll do for money, how she'll get a job. will there be a church there? a good one? will we be able to find an apartment that allows cats? that 5 women can fit in and afford? will we be close to anyone we know?

will it be grey and treeless. that's how i see kansas from when we went there, utterly depressig and it's the frontrunner. my spending hours looking for small "stars hollow" towns does nothing. truth is i just want to escape somewhere i know. somewhere that's not so foreign when we're beginning this foreign life at the same time.

i don't want to be in another one of these cardboard white walled houses, new houses, new ones among their siblings that all look the same.

i just want a house, for once in my life i thought i was going to get a house but then this whole thing happened and that dream of painting my walls for the first time and feeling really in place was pushed farther and indefinitely ahead.

so what. i've resorted to climbing inside myself, to throwing away that dream of being in a bright and happy place where i'm free and creative and happy.

for now, i just need to accept that this next year is going to be harder than anything i've ever considered being faced with. leaving this home of 8 years. this island home.

i have no one. nothing.

so a fighting match in the bathroom, started crying slammed door yelled and she really is going to sleep. so much for not being able to go to sleep when i'm upset.

we all reach our breaking point. we all reach the point where any promises and the true tender side of ourselves in overpowered.

i can't expect this to not be stressful. and it is, so very much so and i don't have an outlet.

sometimes i don't have anyone.

my stomach has been hurting in all sorts of ways, sharp pains to nausea to aching to cramping to heartburn in my throat and chest and more nausea.

at least my face isn't breaking out, no need to pummel my self esteem at this point in time, that would be no good.

i stay in my room at night, i've grown to barely talking to my dad at all. maybe a few words, put forth by me in reference to a needed question or such.

tomight he was nice right before he went to bed though.

there was improper grammar on the big posters in the bxtra today. for shame.

i feel. so sick.

bonesnow.

2009-01-06T23:14:00.004-10:00

2009-01-05T13:01:00.002-10:00

i was reading through my old moleskin from when i was with dane.

i would give almost anything to erase that stuff. it made me sick reading it.

i was so stupid, so so so freaking ignorant. a moron. thinking i was being free and mature and independent and he was this worldly person and all i wanted to do was be with him and drink and give my body away.

it's so sick.

sick.

i had to tear out some of the pages, some of them were just too graphic and made me want to scream and throw up at the same time. take a sharpie to my brain.

i wish i could erase everything, it is the most shameful, i literally despise that person i was. i hate her, i loathe that stupid stupid girl.

i loathe him, i want him out of my head. should he be that way by now? but sometimes when i shower or do nothing i get horrible flashbacks.

things i can't tell anyone, they hurt too much. they are too revolting.

he is the lowest. just reading that stuff he was so manipulative and i played into it. i was a stupid girl who wanted to be "cool" and hip and he took advantage of that and i hate myself and i hate him.

what will it take for me to get over this? what will it take to feel like my life is in no way his? to get rid of the feeling that he has a part of me?

i was going to keep that journal, you know for memory's sake, to look back on when and if i'm ever healed.

but i think i'm not going to, i'm going to burn it. everything from him.

and you know what's sad? he sent me a message wishing me a happy birthday, that makes him the third person outside my family.

pathetic.

i hate myself. maybe i need to go crazy and get rid of every little thing that is in any way associated with him.

he ruined me. i ruined me.

2009-01-04T20:55:00.002-10:00

No matter how much I wanted to make this birthday feel like a birthday I couldn't and I'm glad I had excuses to not be able to, it took some of the pressure off.

Alot of the family is sick and it's not like I had any plans with friends or a party so we didn't go anywhere, I kept trying to think of what to do, what to say to make it feel like a birthday, to make it different than other days, to make it special. I couldn't so I blamed it on the fact that we couldn't go anywere and because of the obvious painful tension lurking the whole house and every exchange between my father and someone else.

My mom is amazing my little sister is so sick but made every effort to make this birthday as good as she could, even though she should've stayed camped on the couch more to keep from coughing so much she begged my dad to get me donuts, to drive all around looking for them, as soon as she thought I wanted something she did everything in her power to make it happen, making an amazing homemade card and decorating my cake when I don't know if I would do the same for her if I was sick like she is.

I'm truly blessed, I need to lay off on the controlling thing, the obsessing about the whole thing.

We spent most of the day in the living room where we moved couches around and started going through "Gilmore Girls" again, the first season because mom and I wanted to watch them again, we relate and will even more in the coming months as our living situation shifts. Of course I've seen most of the seasons multiple times but Bekah's just now watching them, it's fun sharing this thing that's been in my mom and my life for years, to share that sort of tradition now that she's old enough for the first few seasons at least.

It's stressful because dad is being super sweet to the girls trying to get them to like him, I'm betting that he's doing this to hurt my mom and to try and get them on "his side" and get them to pick him when we all separate. I keep telling my mom that he has no chance, to not let him be able to hurt her, she has to be careful, as soon as he sees weakness in her or emotion he jumps and attacks like a predator attacking their prey when they're already down or wounded. It's horrid.

But whatever. I made a wish on my candles, took me a while of sitting there with everyone staring at me urging me to blow them out already and growing warmer from the heat of the 19 tiny flames in front of me, I had to use this wish though, looking ahead at this year I felt like I had to make this wish be really good.

Superstitious I know.

Here's to coffee and the comfort and hope that I feel with "Bones" and Lorelai and Rory and moving forward and trusting the Lord.

Mom and I are still going to see as much movies as possible soon in theatre to celebrate.

2009-01-03T17:23:00.005-10:00

i'm going to take a shower.

i'm going to roll my hair.

i'm going to pay a sister to do my dishes.

i'm going to make hot cocoa.

i'm going to get in my bed.

even though i think my sheets etc. are quite dirty.

i'm not going to do laundry.

even though i'm out of pajama pants and underwear +1.

watch bones.

my tummy hurts.

i miss my hair :0/

2009-01-03T17:06:00.002-10:00

my dad sent my mom a list, what she'll get when we all separate, said the kids can choose who they go with. the girls still don't know, which is good in a way. they're waiting. i still don't feel like this is really truly happening, i don't think anyone understands how strange it is, our family, our together church going family, homeschooling 4 kids family.

i keep breaking down, i keep crying. i think i had an anxiety attack in walmart today. i can't handle things. i keep dying my hair, trying to get the color i want only it bounces around so i never really know what i want. i'm probably trying to control my environment, i can't control what's going on and i can't do anything so i change my hair. like some people stop eating because they can control that, i keep wanting ot dye my hair over and over change it. i think that's why. sometimes i don't know why i'm upset, but then my mom suggests a possible cause and i feel myself welling up letting me know that that is the cause. even though i don't really actively think 'i'm changing my hair because i can't change anything else, i'm controlling my hair because my life is out of control' but when she suggested it i welled up.

that's how i know things, that's my signal now.

we're bouncing around states, which one to move to, the cost of living, if we know anyone there, if it's too cold.

i keep feeling guilty, for lots of different things, for hanving my mom buy me presents for my birthday, fo rmaking a stupid list when i get things all year round, for not feeling as birthday-ey as usual, for feeling like i'm being ungrateful for feeling that way. it's almost a guilt i can't pin on one thing, just an overall guilt that pops up and makes me fall apart.

i've just been watching "bones." i think it helps, i'm escaping yes but it soothes me, the characters.

i'll take what i can get.

my mom is the best thing in my life, even though i keep falling apart she is always there with empathy, when i know that if i were her i'd get frustrated at my selfish self crying when i barely have a reason to. it's her who has a reason to.